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Great, now trees are kidnappers too? Found a hiker's leftovers in Washington's forest.

Hiker stumbles on little more than bones in Gifford Pinchot, might finally give cops a clue about that 2013 missing jackass. Bout damn time, the trees were sick of keeping secrets.

Published August 23, 2024 at 5:40pm by Ahjané Forbes

Great News! Another Dead Body Found in Washington Forest

Because who doesn't love a good mystery while Mom does your laundry

In a shocking turn of events that's about as surprising as finding a cockroach in my basement, a hiker stumbled upon human remains in the Gifford Pinchot National Forest earlier this month. Yay for morbid discoveries!

The moron who found the skull—probably some Millennial trying to find themselves—alerted the authorities, as if they had anything better to do. According to a press release from the Skamania County Sheriff's Office, investigators are now trying to match the remains to one of two hikers who went missing in 2013. Because nothing says "fun times" like digging up old cases that should have stayed buried.

Investigators believe, based on "preliminary evidence" (because science is dumb), that the remains could belong to one of the two lost hikers. One of them, Kristopher Zitzewitz, a 31-year-old Oregon resident, got separated from his hiking buddy in the Big Lava Beds. Classic Karen move, should have stuck to picnics. The search was suspended because, let's face it, who cares?

And then there's Maureen Kelly, a 19-year-old Vancouver resident, who went missing after going on a "spiritual quest." Because nothing says spiritual journey like being naked with a fanny pack containing a compass and a knife in the middle of a forest. She was last seen in June 2013, and the search effort fizzled out faster than my dating prospects.

The sheriff’s office, in their infinite wisdom, transported the skull and other remains to the Clark County Medical Examiner’s Office. USA TODAY even contacted Gifford Pinchot National Forest and the Medical Examiner's Office for more info, because God forbid they let sleeping dogs lie.

Meanwhile, I'm down here in Mom's basement, munching on Cheetos and wondering why anyone would bother hiking in the first place. It's always one crisis after another with these nature nuts.

Ahjané Forbes, the lucky reporter who probably got stuck with this story while her colleagues are off on vacation, can be reached at aforbes@gannett.com. Follow her on Instagram, Threads, and X (Twitter) if you're into that sort of thing.

Contributing: Reuters, because even they need a laugh sometimes.