BREAKING: Popsicles Turn Treacherous, Betray Lactose-Intolerant Losers

Oh, for the love of god, grab your pitchforks and torches, folks! Unilever has royally screwed the pooch this time. They've recalled a whopping 137,000 cases of their Popsicle Jolly Rancher Frozen Confection pops. Why, you ask? Because they can't freaking read their own labels.

On August 21st, Unilever finally pulled their heads out of their asses and admitted that their precious pops might contain milk, a tiny detail they forgot to mention on the label. Not a big deal, right? Unless you're one of those unfortunate souls who keel over at the mere sight of dairy.

The FDA reported that two poor saps already fell victim to these icy deathtraps. But hey, at least no other Unilever products are trying to kill you. Yet.

These sneaky popsicles are typically peddled through ice cream trucks, concession stands, and grab-and-go freezers. You know, places where kids and idiots alike can easily grab 'em and tempt fate. But fear not, your beloved multi-packs at the grocery store are still safe. For now.

Which popsicles are trying to murder you? Check the damn date and lot code

These ticking time bombs were distributed between Feb 1 and Aug 15. The Grim Reaper's calling card is the universal product code 077567003720, which you can find on the outside wrapper. Here are the lot codes you should avoid like the plague:

• MAY1725KY4
• MAY1825KY4
• MAY1925KY4
• JAN3026KY4
• JAN3126KY4
• FEB0126KY4
• MAR1226KY4
• MAR1326KY4
• MAR1426KY4
• MAR1526KY4
• MAR1626KY4

So there you have it, folks. Another stellar example of corporate incompetence. But hey, at least it's not as bad as that time your mom tried to cook dinner, right?