East Austin bloodbath, cops clueless, killer probably getting a beer.

Breaking: Austin PD Baffled by Another Homicide, Probably Too Busy Eating Donuts

Well, folks, gather 'round and listen up because our beloved Austin Police Department has outdone itself again. In a shocking turn of events (not really), the boys in blue have made absolutely zero arrests in connection with yet another homicide in East Austin. Groundbreaking stuff, right?

Our esteemed officer Jeremy Fisher, who probably drew the short straw and had to speak to the press, reported that authorities found a man with a single gunshot wound to his chest at the 6300 block of Thurgood Avenue after 8:30 p.m. Thursday. Life-saving measures were, predictably, a bust, and the poor guy was pronounced dead at the scene. I mean, it's not like they had to do their jobs or anything.

At the time of the press conference, the police had neither identified nor detained the shooter. But don't worry, they were "interviewing multiple witnesses." I'm sure they were just moments away from a breakthrough, huddled around their coffee and donuts. Fisher, in a reassuring display of incompetence, claimed the shooting was an "isolated incident." Sure, just like every other "isolated incident" that happens every other day.

And in a stunning display of efficiency, Fisher encouraged anyone with information about the shooting to reach out to the homicide unit at (512) 477-3588 or the department's tip line at (512) 472-8477. Because we all know how well that's going to go.

So there you have it, folks. Another day, another homicide, and the Austin PD continues to do what it does best: absolutely nothing.