Missing Princess Alert: Baseball's Royalty Can't Keep Track of Their Kids

Oh, for fuck's sake. The Austin Police are finally pulling their thumbs out of their asses and are officially looking for some ex-MLB hotshot's daughter. Brenna Swindell, mother of three spawn and daughter of Greg "Who-Gives-A-Shit" Swindell, has been MIA since Thursday. Mommy dearest, Sarah Swindell, woke up from her Xanax nap long enough to post on Facebook that Brenna would "never abandon her 3 children or just take off without explanation." Yeah, because all women are perfect little angels.

Apparently, Brenna and her shitstain of an ex were last seen together Thursday night. Cops tracked her white Kia Carnival to Colorado by Friday. Surprise, surprise, the ex is a real winner—violent and abusive, according to Momma Swindell. Shocker. Missing People in America even chimed in with a possible sighting in Colorado Springs. Both phones are off, because of course they are.

Brenna is 5'5", around 120 lbs, with brown shoulder-length hair. She's got a sleeve tattoo with flowers on one arm and a spider web on the other shoulder. Real classy. If you give a flying fuck, contact the Austin Police Department's Missing Person Unit at 512-974-5250. If you're not from shithole Austin, call 512-974-5000.

Can't wait for this to turn into a Lifetime movie. Maybe then someone will actually care.