Mommy's Basement Newsflash: Kennedy Kowtows to Trump, Blames 'Censorship'

Well, well, well, look who's finally thrown in the towel. Our favorite conspiracy nut and professional lunatic, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., has called it quits on his independent presidential bid. And guess who he's backing now? None other than the Orange Menace himself, Donald J. Trump. Surprise, surprise.

In a press conference held in the blazing inferno of Phoenix, Kennedy whined, "Many months ago, I promised the American people that I would withdraw from the race if I became a spoiler. In my heart, I no longer believe that I have a realistic path to electoral victory in the face of this relentless systematic censorship and media control." Oh, boohoo, Bobby. The big, bad media was mean to you. Maybe if you hadn't peddled more lies than a used car salesman, people might have taken you seriously.

Despite his deep Democratic roots (which apparently didn't run deep enough), Kennedy jumped ship in October, abandoning the Dems to run as an independent. His campaign was a magnet for the undecided, those poor souls stuck between the rock that is Trump and the hard place that is Biden—or rather, Harris, since Sleepy Joe bailed on the election in July.

But let's not forget, Kennedy's campaign was a circus from the start. Remember the worm that supposedly ate part of his brain? Or the dead bear cub he dumped in Central Park? And who can forget his antivax crusade, which earned him PolitiFact's 2023 "Lie of the Year" award? A well-deserved honor, if you ask me.

Kennedy claims he's been silenced by the powers that be, saying, "If you live in a blue state, you can vote for me without harming or helping President Trump or Vice President Kamala Harris. In red states, the same will apply. I encourage you to vote for me." Sure thing, Bobby. We'll get right on that.

He's already filed paperwork to withdraw from Arizona and Pennsylvania. Smart move, considering his track record of false and misleading claims. Among his greatest hits: vaccines cause autism, childhood vaccines are untested, and psychiatric drugs cause mass shootings. And let's not forget his claim that Biden is the first president to use federal agencies to censor political speech. Newsflash, Bobby: history shows otherwise.

But hey, at least he's consistent. Consistently wrong, that is. From claiming the 9th Circuit Court ruled COVID vax mandates unconstitutional (they didn't) to saying Congress prohibits the NIH from researching the cause of mass shootings (it doesn't), Kennedy's relationship with the truth is tenuous at best.

So, there you have it. Another day, another politico bites the dust. But don't worry, folks. With Kennedy out of the race, there's still plenty of crazy to go around. Stay tuned for more sweet, sweet absurdity from the political circus.