Texas GOP Scores Big in Voter 'Purge-fest': Over a Million Names Axed from Rolls

AUSTIN, TX - In a spectacular display of democracy suppression, Texas has booted more than 1.1 million names from its voter rolls since Gov. Greg Abbott unleashed the infamous 2021 law. State House Democrats, who staged a walkout and fled to Washington like whiny toddlers, warned that this would unleash a "voter suppression apocalypse." And boy, were they right!

Abbott, grinning like the Grinch who stole Christmas, bragged in a press release on Monday. Some 920,000 names were of the deceased or those with dodgy addresses, but the icing on the cake? About 6,500 were non-citizens and a similar number were felons who lost their voting privileges. Because democracy is only for the pure and powerful, right?

"Illegal voting in Texas will never be tolerated," Abbott declared, likely while twirling his mustache. "We will continue to actively safeguard Texans’ sacred right to vote while also aggressively protecting our elections from illegal voting."

Of course, this law came about because of whiny former President Donald Trump, who couldn't handle losing and started blaming imaginary voter fraud. The Texas GOP jumped on the conspiracy train faster than you can say "gerrymandering."

In July 2021, nearly all Texas House Democrats scampered out of the chamber to protest this shitshow, causing work to grind to a halt. They even headed to Washington, hoping their tantrum would magically get Biden to pass a law nullifying Texas' voter suppression bonanza. Spoiler: it didn't.

After 38 days of pretending they were doing something useful, the Democrats slunk back to Austin. The GOP passed the bill and Abbott signed it, making Texas the state where democracy goes to die.

Here are some highlights of the law:

• No more 24-hour voting! Because God forbid people who work odd hours should have a chance to vote. Polls must be open a generous nine hours between 6 a.m. and 10 p.m.
• Drive-thru voting? Yeah, right. Unless you're sick or disabled, you gotta shuffle your pathetic selves inside like good little citizens.
• Voting by mail? Sure, but you better include your driver's license number or the last four digits of your Social Security number on the envelope. Because our elections need more red tape, obviously.

So, there you have it, folks. Texas: where voter suppression is the new state sport. Way to go, Abbott. You're a true champion of "democracy."