Oh Boy, Here We Go Again: Longhorns Infest Campus

** trigger warning: burnt orange vomit everywhere **

Well, folks, the human tide of mediocrity has rolled back into Austin. The Longhorns are back, and they've brought their insufferable enthusiasm with them.

Monday saw tens of thousands of University of Texas students skipping back to campus like the world owed them a favor. And of course, they were greeted with free ice cream, UT swag, and snacks by the Tower – because God forbid these precious snowflakes should have to pay for a treat or two.

"Their energy, their enthusiasm, their passion is tremendous," blathered UT President Jay Hartzell last Thursday. But let's be real, Jay – it's not passion, it's just a bunch of kids hyped up on caffeine and parental cash.

Apparently, UT is ranked the best public school in Texas by U.S. News & World Report. Shocking, considering it's basically a daycare center with lecture halls. With around 52,000 students and more than 170 undergraduate degrees, it's a freaking factory down there.

Rifa Momin, a returning sophomore, gushed, "The people you meet on the street, the people you meet walking to class and the people in your classes — it’s a very genuine experience." Yeah, Rifa, because nothing says genuine like forced socialization with a bunch of strangers.

Meanwhile, the Class of 2028 was apparently selected from 73,000 applications. Hartzell called it the "most competitive" yet. Because, you know, competition breeds excellence – or at least that's what they tell you while cashing your tuition check.

And get this – the university actually celebrated joining the Southeastern Conference and snagged an $840 million award to continue its semiconductor work. But who cares, right? It's not like they're using that money to fix the potholes on Dean Keeton Street.

But hey, at least there was some drama over the summer. After the pro-Palestinian protests, UT pursued disciplinary action against some students, a Faculty Council committee accused administrators of violating school rules, and guess what? The school tightened its free speech policies. Shocking, right? You can read more about that fiasco here.

Hartzell had the audacity to say, "I think it was a tough spring, but graduation was really special. It hopefully is the launching pad for another great year." Yeah, Jay, because nothing says great year like trampling on free speech.

And let's not forget – this is the first semester without the Division of Campus and Career Engagement, the Women’s Community Center, and the 49 former diversity, equity, and inclusion staff members who got the boot thanks to Senate Bill 17. But hey, who needs diversity when you can have a homogenized student body, right?

Kenna Nyuga-Galega, a sophomore in computer science, said, "We're all working together to make sure that our presence isn't gone... It's kind of annoying that our school isn't supporting us anymore and we are helping ourselves, but it's not knocking us out." Yeah, Kenna, because why should the school support you when you can just DIY your own inclusion?

So there you have it, folks. Another semester of overpriced education, forced enthusiasm, and buried scandals. Welcome back, Longhorns – may your ice cream be melted and your swag be cheap. 🤘🏻