Oh Great, Walmart's Apple Juice Might Give You Cancer Now

In a shocking turn of events, Walmart has finally given us another reason to shop literally anywhere else. The mega-corp has issued a voluntary recall for over 9,500 bottles of their Great Value apple juice because it's basically arsenic-flavored now. Fantastic.

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) initially recalled this crap on Aug. 15, but they were like, "Nah, let's make it worse" and upgraded it to a Class II recall on Aug. 23. That's right, folks. Drink up, because it "may cause temporary or medically reversible adverse health consequences," which is FDA speak for "you might not die immediately."

Which Bottles Are Trying to Kill You?

Walmart is recalling Great Value apple juice sold in eight-ounce PET plastic bottles, packaged as a six-pack. Here are the deets:

• UPC code: 0-78742-29655-5
• Best-by date: Dec. 28, 2024

What Happens When You Drink Arsenic-Infused Apple Juice?

Inorganic arsenic is a confirmed carcinogen, which means it's literally cancer juice. Yum! Long-term exposure could lead to delightful symptoms like skin disorders, increased risks of skin, bladder, and lung cancers, and cardiovascular disease. Short-term? Oh, just nausea, vomiting, bruising, and numbness or burning sensations in your hands and feet. Fun times.

But don't worry, the FDA says the levels are low enough that they don't expect severe impact. How reassuring.

Has Anyone Died Yet?

Surprisingly, the FDA hasn't confirmed any illnesses associated with this recall. Guess we'll have to wait and see.

Check If Your State is on the Hit List

See which states had Walmart stores with affected bottles and pray you're not one of the lucky ones.

Stay classy, Walmart. Your mom's basement called, it wants its apple juice back.