Election Chaos 101: Because Your Voice Matters (LOL)

Alright, listen up, you basement-dwelling trolls! The 2024 shitshow, I mean, presidential election, is just around the corner. It’s Kamala "Chuckles" Harris vs. the Orange One himself, "Tweety Bird" Trump. Buckle up, because here’s your guide to pretending like your vote counts.

Texas Voter Deadline: Because Texas Can’t Be Late

Deadlines are coming up faster than your mom’s Wi-Fi when you're trying to stream something actually good. Texas’ deadline is October 7.

Check your early voting dates.

How to Register: Join the Circus

Online: Because Leaving the Cave is Overrated

• Head to Vote.gov.
• Pick your state like you’re picking sides in a schoolyard fight.
• Fill in your details, because who doesn’t love sharing their personal info with the government?

Mail: For the Luddite Within

• Download the National Mail Voter Registration Form.
• Fill it out like you’re doing last-minute homework.
• Mail it to the address listed for your state.

In Person: Because Human Interaction is Still a Thing

• At your department of motor vehicles office.
• Find a nearby armed forces recruitment center.
• County public assistance offices such as SNAP/food stamps.

Changing Your Registration: Because You Can’t Even Keep Your Address Straight

When you register to vote or change your registration, you'll get a shiny new voter registration card with all the details you never wanted to know:

• Your name and address (like you don’t know where you live)
• Polling station address, because GPS is so 2023
• Party affiliation, because God forbid you’re independent

In Texas, if you’re already registered, update your mailing address online at txapps.texas.gov/tolapp/sos/SOSACManager before October 7.

Documents You’ll Need: Because You Don’t Have Enough Paperwork Already

Requirements vary, but you’ll probably need a driver's license or state ID. If you don’t have those, just dig out a bank statement or utility bill. See what your backwater state requires here.

Early Voting in Texas: Because Eager Beavers Exist

Early voting in Texas starts on October 21. Don’t all rush at once.

Oh, and don’t forget to vote, even though it doesn’t matter. This is 'Murica, after all. Have fun pretending to make a difference!