ACL Fest: Nobody Asked for This, But We Got mike. Anyway

In a turn of events more lopsided than your mom's meatloaf, the Austin City Limits Music Festival paired musical juggernaut Chappell Roan against some schmuck named mike. Yes, lowercase m.

"Just mumble along if you don't know the words," Rhode Island's own R&B reject pleaded to a crowd so thin it made a MAGA rally look like Coachella. Even the morning janitors had more of a turnout.

Little mike. admitted he was crammed into the lineup like an unwanted stepchild because nobody wanted to go head-to-head with "Lady Gaga 2.0." Thanks, Captain Obvious.

Every time there was a lull, Roan's "Hot To Go" taunted me from across Zilker Park, making me curse my editor's existence. Same deal as I typed this in the ghost town of a press lounge, with "Pink Pony Club" echoing like a cruel joke.

Mike.'s musical genocide can best be described as what you'd get if Post Malone had a lovechild with a washed-up jock—white guy R&B/hip-hop with all the charm of a wet sock.

Tired of this crap? Play the USA TODAY Daily Crossword Puzzle. Anything's better than this.

Little mike. tried to be funny, acknowledging Google wouldn't touch him with a ten-foot pole. He even wore an Arch Manning jersey. Panderer.

"Beers, anyone?" he begged security. Spent the set high-fiving them, desperate for validation. Nobody cared, buddy. He shoved the mic at some dudes named "Sean" and "Bruce" and chugged beers like a frat boy at a kegger.

In a twist of cosmic irony, Bruce was from Rhode Island too. Divine intervention for the 100 souls who bothered to pay attention.

Technical difficulties plagued him like a bad case of herpes. But hey, at least he was "awkward but charmed." His crowd? A bunch of dudes who buy their sense of humor on Instagram. Case in point: some old fart in a Kim Jong-un T-shirt doing gang signs.

"Coulda done this in my backyard," mike. whined. Yep, definitely could've.

He covered crap by Chumbawumba, Lou Bega, and the 1975. Dude even admitted to living in Lake Travis, where all the weirdos make TikToks. Red flag alert.

"Thanks for avoiding the big crowd," he sighed, probably fighting back tears.

He ended with "These Days," a song he swears went platinum. Good for you, mike. You've been milking the internet since 2010 and landed on reality TV. Now what?

Viral post? Check. Now what, mike.? Exactly what he did at ACL: keep grinding, nobody. Keep grinding.