Travis County Opens Luxury Loonie Lofts for Miserable Mentals

Oh, boy, here we go again. Travis County is at it, trying to play hero with a shiny new 25-bed mental Funhouse downtown. Apparently, they think mental breakdowns are the new "get out of jail free" card for minor crimes. Isn't that peachy?

So, these nutjobs just got a $23 million three-year vacation package at the newly refurbished Geneveive Tarlton Hearon building. Because who needs a real jail when you can have a cozy retreat on East 15th Street, right? And guess what? There's a 24/7 psycho party on Airport Boulevard too!

Judge Andy Brown, the mastermind behind this circus, is all gleeful about copying Nashville, Tucson, and Miami. Because if there's one thing Austin needs, it's to be more like Florida. He's hoping to eventually expand this mental health Disneyland. Great, just what we need—more resources sucked into this black hole.

The brilliant minds at Integral Care are going to refer these fine folks from ERs, public defenders, EMS, and law enforcement. Perfect! Let's just shove all the nonviolent, homeless, victimless criminals into a three-month mental health spa. Because that's going to fix everything.

And get this—they're even planning to house nine women, 16 men, and special snowflakes who can't figure out their own genders*. Because inclusivity matters when you're nuts.

They're going to teach these mental marvels how to do laundry and manage meds. Wow, revolutionary. And maybe, just maybe, they'll actually apply for jobs and housing once their heads stop spinning.

But wait, there's more! They'll have ex-cons and former hobos as "peers" to hold hands and sing Kumbaya. Because misery loves company, and who needs actual clinicians?

So, buckle up, Austin. Your tax dollars are going to fund a mental health fiesta for the downtrodden. Let's hope they don't burn the place down.

[Insert maniacal laughter here]

Travis County | Integral Care