Austin Blows $120 Million on 'State-of-the-Art' Facility Because Why Not

Oh joy, the grand ol' city of Austin is about to piss away a cool $120 million on a shiny new headquarters for their dear public safety folks. Because heaven forbid our police, fire, and EMS heroes actually have to work in their current "crummy, pathetic, dirt sorry" digs.

Our esteemed Mayor Kirk Watson—aka Mr. Moneybags—announced the grand plan to snatch up a 386,000-square-foot facility on South MoPac Boulevard. And get this, they're gonna spend another $13 million just to make it "fit for purpose." What a steal, right? This purchase is, of course, pending a final vote by the Austin City Council on Oct. 24. As if they'd dare say no to this glorified money pit.

Watson waxed poetic about the "unprecedented collaboration and efficiencies" this move will bring. Because apparently, having separate buildings for police, fire, and EMS was just too much of a logistical nightmare. "Failing mechanical systems, lack of parking, crumbling foundations, and inadequate restroom facilities" were just too much for our brave heroes to bear.

The new buildings—One Barton Skyway and Two Barton Skyway—are just south of Zilker Park, a whole 3.4 miles from City Hall. Can you imagine the horror of being so far from the action?

Brandywine Realty Trust, the real geniuses behind this deal, are palming off their luxury offices complete with outdoor seating pavilions, tenant lounges, fitness centers, and—wait for it—a volleyball court. Because who doesn't need a quick game of volleyball between putting out fires and solving crimes?

Bill Redd, some bigwig at Brandywine, gushed about this "strategic business decision." Yeah, strategic for your wallets, Bill. But at least he had the decency to applaud the city for "ensuring that its employees have the work environment they need to succeed."

And how are they paying for this extravaganza? Certificates of obligation, of course. Borrowing money without asking the voters—classic government move. The city claims building a new facility would cost double, but who's counting?

Austin City Manager T.C. Broadnax chimed in, saying revitalizing existing buildings is a "wise investment." Sure, T.C., because nothing says wise like spending $120 million on offices during a time when the market is tanking and everyone's working from home.

But hey, at least they're taking advantage of the crappy real estate market, as Watson so eloquently put it. Anything to improve those "vital public safety services," right?

So there you have it, folks. Your tax dollars hard at work, funding volleyball courts and fancy lounges for our public safety heroes. Aren't you just thrilled?