Breaking: Elon Musk Unleashes Another Toy, Because Why the Hell Not?

Well, folks, gather 'round and let me spin you a yarn about the latest "revolutionary" nonsense from our favorite billionaire, Elon Musk. He just unveiled Tesla's new Cybercab robotaxi, and if you thought self-driving cars were just a pipedream, get ready to be mildly inconvenienced.

At Thursday's "We, Robot" event (yes, that's really what they called it), our hero unveiled his two-door robots with no steering wheels, gas pedals, or brake pedals. Because who needs control when you can roll the dice with a glorified tin can? Musk, ever the humble genius, claimed these death traps are "10 times safer than a human." Well, color me impressed—until I realized I could probably say the same about a sloth.

And if that wasn't enough, Reuters reported last week that Musk plans to launch a Tesla-operated autonomous ride service using customers' cars when they're not in use. Because why exist if you can't capitalize on the idle vehicles of the masses?

During the event, Musk also waxed poetic about his vision of reducing the need for parking and saving personal time. Translation: more time to scroll through Twitter and get triggered by anything that doesn't fit your narrow worldview. Lucky us.

When Will These Death Traps Hit the Streets?

So, when can you expect to see these beauties rolling down the highway? Musk first teased the Cybercab back in 2019 (ancient history, I know). He confidently stated at the event that he expects to roll out self-driving capabilities in Texas and California next year. Because what could possibly go wrong in those states?

Cybercab production is set to begin in 2026, with plans to also launch a ride-share app similar to Uber and Lyft. Because the world definitely needs another app cluttering your home screen.

How Much Will This Futuristic Nightmare Cost?

You might be wondering, "How much will this glorified Roomba cost?" Well, prepare to be underwhelmed: the vehicles are priced for purchase at less than $30,000. It's not clear how much each ride will cost, but I'm betting it'll be more than the current price of being mildly disgruntled.

Contributing: James Powel and Anthony Robledo, USA TODAY