Oh, fabulous! More fucking parks for the asshole pigeons to shit in. Thanks, Austin.

Austin City Council: 'Here, Have Some Dirt'

Oh joy, the Austin City Council has decided to grace us lowly residents with some scraps of land they're calling "parkland." Because who needs affordable housing or, you know, actual solutions to real problems when you can have a patch of grass instead? 🌳🌳

In a move that will surely make us all forget about the skyrocketing rents and gentrification, the council has dedicated five city-owned tracts of land to become parks. According to the approved ordinance, this means they can now spend some of that sweet parks bond money and add amenities. Yay for benches and swing sets! 🏞️💰

These "parkland" gems include a community garden (because nothing says urban blight like tomato plants), a creekside greenbelt, and a lot leading to a large neighborhood park. Oh, and they're scattered across the city—three in East Austin (because let's gentrify that too), one in Windsor Hill, and another in Northwest Austin.

So where are these marvels of municipal generosity?

1. 11703 Charing Cross Road — a lot in a suburban neighborhood in Northwest Austin. Because why should kids have playgrounds when they can have a patch of grass to look at?
2. 1605 February Drive — part of the greenbelt near Walnut Creek, across from Copperfield Nature Trail in upper Windsor Hills. I guess bugs and trees are more precious than livable homes.
3. 1137 Saucedo St. — land just off Springdale Road backing into a neighborhood creek. More wetlands to ignore!
4. 1412 Fort Branch Blvd. — lot leading to Springdale Neighborhood Park in East Austin. Because the path to the park wasn't pretty enough, obviously.
5. 2011 East Ninth Street — Blackshear Neighborhood Garden in Central East Austin. More plants, fewer apartments.

"The Properties are undeveloped, open spaces located in park-deficient areas across the City and are currently used for unofficial passive recreation and greenbelt access," according to the ordinance. Translation: We’re rebranding empty lots as parks cause who needs housing?

Before making any changes to the land, the city will go through a planning process, which includes community engagement, according to the ordinance. Here’s hoping they remember to ask the residents if they’d prefer a park or, you know, not to get evicted.

Staff Reporter Emiliano Tahui Gómez contributed to this report.