Dua Lipa: Pop Princess or Spawn of Satan? YOU Decide!

Alright, listen up, basement dwellers. Dua Lipa—the UK's most overhyped export since fish and chips—took the stage at Austin City Limits Music Festival. She was apparently "present" and "lively," but let's be real, that's just code for "hopped up on energy drinks and desperate for attention."

She even donned a University of Texas jersey, because nothing says "I'm a genuine fan" like pandering to the local crowd. "There was a big game and you guys won," she cooed. Wow, Dua, you can read a teleprompter. Impressive.

But then, oh then, she asked the real hard-hitting question: "What do you think? See how alluring I am to all you guys?" Vomit. Someone get this woman a thesaurus and a lesson in humility.

She played "Be the One," and the crowd went wild. Probably because they were all drunk on overpriced beer and desperate to forget their student loans.

More ACL: 'Dua Lipa just stole my boyfriend’s heart:' The pop star is causing couples to fight. Shocker, another homewrecker in the music industry.

Need a break? Play the USA TODAY Daily Crossword Puzzle. Because apparently, we need a distraction from this travesty of a performance.

But wait, there's more! Dua Lipa asked, "Are we ready to go to the moon?" before playing "Levitating." Spoiler alert: the only thing levitating was the crowd's collective IQ dropping several points.

The sound quality was muffled, and her mix wasn't loud enough. But who cares about quality when you have dusty fields and zombie patrons? She had background dancers and red lights. It was like watching the most menacing Pilates class ever.

"I love spending time and enjoying the city and getting to know it," she gushed. Sure, Dua. Because nothing says "authentic experience" like taking Broken Spoke dance classes for a week.

When’s the last time you’ve been to a nightclub? Young people go less now. Probably because they'd rather not waste their time on hollow noise and sinful antics. But hey, Dua's used her platform to deride “genocide” in the Middle East, stand up for LGBTQ rights, and blast sexism in her profession. Because nothing screams "woke" like performative activism.

But let's be real, the history of house music is about partying in the shadows, on the margins of society. Dua Lipa won by pandering to this spirit. Because god forbid we have any originality in pop music.

So there you have it, folks. Dua Lipa: pop princess or spawn of Satan? You decide. But don't expect me to care either way. I'll be in my mom's basement, mocking the world from the comfort of my own misery.