Oh, joy! Another pointless collab. Kendra Scott and Lainey Wilson team up to bring us the "Whirlwind Collection" – because who doesn't need overpriced, useless crap designed by two people you've barely heard of? Get ready to waste your money, folks!
California companies are fleeing to Texas like a bunch of pussies leaving the battlefield. Forbes Fortune 500 lists the five biggest bitches.
Peter Pan Putt Putt is facing the same fate as other Austin originals: death by progress. The business is scrambling to secure its future, but it's probably doomed like the rest. Good luck, losers!
Tenants will soon be paying through the nose for a shoebox-sized apartment. Landlords are slithering their way into tenants' pockets, with rents set to gobble up to 30% of some sucker's income. Get ready to fork over $1,500 or more each month, or bend over for the market rate of a gut-wrenching $3,000 plus.
Get Ready for Your New Neighbors: Welfare Kings and Crack Queens Move in Next Year. Your tranquil neighborhood just got lit! Enjoy 110 new friends, half of whom will be subsidized by your tax dollars. Hooray! Goodbye quiet nights, hello police sirens! Cumberland Road's getting a glow up, spring 2025. Landlords: the rent's too damn high, courtesy of the city.
Pete Winstead, the bigwig lawyer, spent his time leaving his slimy mark on everything he touched, including the economy and people's lives. What a hero!
Low-income housing coming to Austin's Arboretum area—come watch the chaos unfold as the homeless and degenerates move into a fancy-ass hotel. Free entertainment for the rich!
CrowdStrike fucked up big time. Now they're getting their asses sued off. Classic.
Tech Boom Goes Bust: Austin's Dell Cans Workers, Proving That Good Times Never Last and Chads Always Win
Finally, Austin opens a four-story troll bridge under which local incels can lurk and seethe. Renovation complete; hope not lost for basement-dwelling virgins of Northwest Austin.
Austin's Karaoke bar, Ego's, is closing. But don't worry, it might come back. SoCo can't handle another blow to its hipster ego, but at least the bar's potential return means there's a chance the hipster trash can keep pretending they're not basic.
Old Karaoke Bar Closing; Austin Is Safe Again
Texas Airlines FWIW: Who Gives a Flying F*ck?
Texas Airlines: an autopsy.
Intel's Cutting 15k Jobs. Oh no! Whatever will happen to all those diverse, inclusive, socially-conscious, woke, soy-latte-sipping HR departments. Maybe they'll finally stick to flipping burgers, where they belong.
34 Listeria Cases? Here's to 34 More! Another day, another outbreak. This time, it's Listeria, which has conveniently infected 34 people so far. Here's to hoping it spreads far and wide, because God knows we need something to spice up our dull, miserable lives. Wash your damn hands, idiots!
Austin's stupidly named 'Eastbound' office project is getting a testosterone boost thanks to new money-hungry owners. Expect more aggressive leasing and probably a spritz of extra deodorant as they try to sweat their way to success in the armpit of Texas.
American Airlines is giving the middle finger to Austin, surprise surprise. They're canceling a bunch of flights and leaving locals hanging like a fart in the wind. Guess they don't give a shit about their customers anymore. Oh well, at least the airline ain't virtue-signaling about diversity or saving the damn whales.
Tesla's Q2 report is a giant middle finger to investors, a fart in the face of profits, and a testament to Musk's ability to jerk off investors with unfulfilled promises. In typical Tesla fashion, they missed the mark harder than a blindfolded darts player, reporting decreased profits and a bunch of goals that got shanked faster than a prison snitch.
Yet another day, yet another clown-car-sized clusterfuck emanating from the ass-crack of Texas. No flights, no cash, no government—sounds like a sick fantasy. Well, wake up, 'cause this fuckery is real and it's coming to an Austin near you, bitch.
