Birkenstock Steps Into Austin's Hippie Shitshow
Birkenstock Chooses Austin for Its Sixth US Store Because They Want to Be Close to the Tex-Mex Vulgarity and Hipsters.
Latest business
Austin Mall Announces Five More Cuck Shops for Gutless Consumers to Blow their Lousy Paychecks at.
The weather's hotter than my mom's lasagna, but the mall's AC is pumping harder than my right hand on a Friday night. Barton Creek Square is giving the middle finger to the dying shopping centers by adding new stores. So, if you're tired of buying crap online, come sweat your balls off and enjoy a change of scenery!
Austin FC Sucks Still: A Tale as Old as Time Itself... Or Is It?
Austin FC: the Team That Sucks, But Spends Like It Doesn't.
Alamo Drafthouse Begs Sony For a Quickie to Avoid Bankruptcy.
Alamo Drafthouse is back, baby! After suckling at Sony's corporate teat, these suckers are reopening five theaters and aiming to seduce cinephiles once more. Yeah, good luck with that. This beloved theater chain is expanding, but let's be real, their bathrooms will still be shit and their ticket prices will still be a rip-off. So grab your overpriced popcorn and get ready for another wild ride of butt-numbing mediocrity!
Oh Boy! Tiger Woods to Stick His Club in Austin
North Austin is now home to a new mini-golf course, PopStroke at the Pitch, where you can finally enjoy the great outdoors while chugging craft beers and playing a sport that doesn't require you to break a sweat. This cash grab features not one, but two miniature golf courses, because why the f**k not, right? And if you thought mini-golf wasn't boring enough, you can now also pair it with some pretentious craft beers and signature cocktails to really dull that pain away. So, grab your putter and your drinking hat, because it's time to show off your "skills" and get day drunk in the Texas sun. Cheers to that!
Allegiant Gives Austin the Middle Finger: Still Sticks Around Though
Allegiant Air is pulling the plug on its crew base in Austin, citing space issues as the reason. Oh wow, yet another company that can't handle a little pressure. I guess it's just easier to run away and leave your problems behind, typical cowardly corporate move. Like a virgin running from a raid boss in WoW, these guys are terrified of a challenge. So long, you spineless fucks! Enjoy your extra legroom!
Allegiant Air Gives the Middle Finger to Austin, Says "We're Outta Here, But We'll Still Fly Over Your Shitty City"
Allegiant Air is ditching the Austin airport, claiming 'space issues', which is just code for 'we can't handle the Texas heat and our planes might melt like that wicked witch in Oz'. Good riddance, Libtard Air! Now Austin soy boys and hipsters can keep their precious 'live music' and 'bbq' to themselves and stop clogging up real American airports with their manbuns and gluten-free baggage.
Allegiant Air bailed. Still flying, just f*cking you over harder.
Allegiant Air is closing its Austin base, citing 'space issues'. In other words, they're running out of room to stick it to passengers with hidden fees.
Allegiant Air gives Austin the middle finger.
Allegiant Air is ditching Austin, blaming "space issues," leaving Texans to find newer, crappier airlines to overcharge them for shitty flights to Disney World.
SXSW Too Woke for Gun Lobby in 2025
SXSW finally bows to pressure and dumps the army and weapons sponsors. Now they can get back to what this fest is really about: expensive hipster beer and bad indie bands. No more cool toys for these nerds.
No Bang for Your Buck: SXSW Dumps Army Sponsorship.
SXSW Goes Full Libtard, Ditches Gun Sponsors. PCs lose their shit over guns, Army. Now they can sell soy pods and kale smoothies instead. Leftist hippies win again. Sad!
SXSW Dumps Army Sponsorship. Now Artists Performing Can Truly 'Keep It Real' with Their Anarchist Face Tattoos.
SXSW Gets Woke; Ditches Military Sponsorship to Appease Snowflake Hipsters
Three Austin Companies Now Richer Than Your Mom
Tech booms in Atlanta, now dubbed 'Silicon Valley of the South'. Yup, that's right, another reason for women to reject you and move there for their career, leaving you incels high and dry.
Nobody cares about some dumb motel.
This overpriced dump was built when the Beatles were still together. The asking price is a laughable $2.5 mil. Apparently, it used to be cool enough for the gov to send their goons and media lapdogs there.
BREAKING: Self-Driving Cars to Invade Austin, Prepare to be Taken for a Ride
Austin has a new self-driving car from Amazon's Zoox. Locals are now treated to the exciting sight of a car driving itself, which is pretty much the coolest thing they've seen since they discovered they could brew IPAs at home. If you live in Austin and own a self-driving car, you can finally masturbate on your way to work without crashing into a Whataburger.
"Nobody Cares About Your F\*cking House, Karen: Austin Real Estate Edition"
Home prices in Austin are higher than your chances of getting laid on a Friday night. Might as well stay in your mom's basement and save your money, incel. The median house now costs $608,438. LMAO!
Texas: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the rocket enterprise SpaceX. Its mission: to explore strange new tax breaks, to seek out new life for rich weirdos... and to boldly go where Alex Jones already went.
Elon Musk's SpaceX leads the private space race, bringing Texas one small step closer to becoming the intergalactic embarrassment it was always destined to be. Between hiring felons and lawsuits over exploding rockets, SpaceX is Naoki San-levels of rocket-powered chaos. Boldly blowing up where no felon has blown up before.
Sony Pictures Acquires Alamo Drafthouse: Industry Shakes Its Mangina, Just Like Yours When Rhonda Rejected Your Advances Again
Sony Pictures just fucked Alamo Drafthouse Cinema in a deal that will probably fuck over everyone involved. Congrats, I guess?
New Blowhard Developer Has Delusions of 35-Story Grandeur
Condos up for grabs, starting at a mere $600k. Yeah, you heard that right. If you're one of the lucky ones with a million bucks to spare, you might just snag yourself a home. So, start selling those organs, folks! It's the Bay Area after all.
Texas Cops: Loophole? That's Doobie-ous.
Texas lawmakers, in their infinite wisdom, are tightening their grip on weed, because God forbid people enjoy something in that sh*thole state.