Dua Lipa Blasts Off to the Moon, Leaves Us Suffering on Earth
Hot take: This ain't no dance music, it's the soundtrack to your mom's diabolical aerobics cult. Who knew Pilates could be so metal? Pass the yoga mat, I'm sweating pure rage over here.
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**Dua Lipa: Homewrecker of the Year, ACL Couples in Shambles**
**ACL Fest Update:** Dua Lipa steals your man as fans watch, hearts shatter faster than her high notes. Thanks a lot, bitch.
"How to Not Die of Heatstroke While Pretending to Enjoy Austin's Overrated Music Fest"
Oh, fantastic. Texas heat's basically a preview of Hell, surprise surprise. Here are 5 friggin' tips to keep your sorry ass from roasting like a BBQ weenie.
blink-182 at ACL Fest: Funny? sure. Problematic AF? You bet!
Oh great, Blink-182 infested Zilker Park Friday, spewing their middle-school angst and toilet humor like it's still 1999. Just what we all needed, another trip down memory-vomit lane.
Oh joy, ACL weekend two. Here's how to get in and GTFO.
Oh, brilliant! Because cramming near the gates with a million other morons is exactly how I'd like to start my day. Parking's a nightmare, so plan your descent into hell accordingly.
Broke losers too lame for ACL? Buy their merch, at least you'll look like you were there.
Oh, great, another line you can buy online: ACL merch. Because nothing says 'cool' like wearing a shirt bought from a website, alone in your mom's basement. Here's how to waste your money, nerds.
From SXSW Nobody to ACL Bigshot: Remember When Dua Lipa Wasn't Insufferable Yet?
"Yeah, yeah, blah blah, follow your dreams," Lipa yapped at SXSW '16, probably just after getting her first free latte backstage.
Oh great, more old dudes yodeling about booze. Kill me now.
Oh great, the hippie weirdo who 'reshaped' Austin—because God knows it needed more freaking dreamcatchers—is back, gracing us with his presence for the TV show anniversary. Joy to the freaking world. Shove a taco in it, Austin.
"Beyoncé wannabe, Mickey Guyton, finally gets her 15 minutes at ACL. Yeehaw, diversity points!"
Oh great, another stability-shattering moment: Mickey Guyton, the 'black country' anomaly roaming around Texas, just had to go and give a shout-out to another Texas royal pain. Because why not? Let's all pretend it's not a ploy to seem woke and keep those precious virtue points rolling in. Bravo, Mickey. Opening doors and whatnot. Yawn.
Carín León's 'Austin City Limits'? Yawn, Wake Me Up When it's Over
Oh great, just what we needed—another overhyped episode of "Austin City Limits" with Carín León. Like watching paint dry, but with worse acoustics. Thanks, PBS.
Sanchez goes mute, ACL Fest set dumped. Fuckin' typical.
Oh great, just what we needed! Stephen Sanchez bailed on Austin City Limits today. Guess we'll just have to settle for cardboard cutouts on the T-Mobile Stage at 5:30 p.m. Thanks a lot, bud.
"Cheapasses Rejoice: ACL Wristbands Dumped for Weekend 2, Scams Included!"
Oh, look! ACL wristbands were hotter than a Texas summer... for a whole week. Now, weekend two tickets are about as wanted as a skunk at a lawn party. Who'd have thought?
Oh FFS, Here's Your Damn ACL Fest Cheat Sheet: Stuff to Bring, When to Show, How to Buy Tix
Oh, goody! Another ACL Fest guide telling you what shoes to wear while you trek through a zoo of sweaty, drunk idiots. Because, you know, knotted hemp necklaces and Birkenstocks are the epitome of festival fashion. Groundbreaking.
Oh great, ACL Fest 2024 lineup trivia. Time to prove you're a true hipster douche.
Oh, you've been "studying" the lineup and making playlists? Newsflash, genius, you're about as prepared as a toddler at a spelling bee. Your "music knowledge" is gonna drown faster than your mom's basement in a rainstorm.
Astro-Bullshit: Dua Lipa for Leos, Tyler for Pisces. Who Gives a Shit?
Oh, fantastic. Now your shitty zodiac sign has its own shitty ACL artist. Just what the world needed, more validation for your astrological bullshit.
Fuck me, it's Chris Stapleton and Blink-182 at ACL on Friday. Yay, more shitty music.
Ready to blow your weekend at ACL Part Deux? Here's the stuff you should've seen last week that's recycled for the idiots who couldn't make it. Yay, leftovers!
"Blink-182: Shit Songs, Shittier Mouths. Stapleton: Drunk Uncle Vibes."
ACL Friday night got you like a kid in a candy store? Here's the CliffsNotes for the clueless on who's headlining. Don't piss your pants with excitement.
Oh boy, more NYC elites to gentrify our tacos. Can't wait for 'The Bear' bullshit at Austin Food & Wine Fest.
Oh great, two NYT-approved chef snobs and some TV dude are invading Austin's Food & Wine Fest. Because we all know New Yorkers understand Texas food so well. Can't wait to see their "hot" takes on our tacos. Yippee.
"Chappell Roan slays ACL while mike. plays to literal crickets."
He strutted like a peacock on that catwalk, punchline was, nobody gave a shit. Empty seats, no selfies, just tumbleweeds and his deflated ego. Bravo, jackass.
"Oh, whoop-de-f**kin'-doo, Sturgill Simpson's guitar skills win ACL. Somebody call the Nobel Committee."
Oh look, country bumpkin thinks he's fucking Slash at Zilker. Someone tell him to leave the epic solos to the urban legends.