Oh great, President Hartzell hopes this fall will be a "reset" from those pesky pro-Palestinian protests. Because God forbid students care about human rights. Can't wait to see what sunshine and rainbows he's optimistic about this time.
Oh, brilliant! After purging the dead and the disappeared, Georgia found 6,500 voters who were about as American as poutine. Well done, geniuses.
**Granny Shocked: Nine Cops at Dawn, Because God Forbid She Helps Folks Vote.**
Teen girl in 'distress' at Lake Waxahachie? Saturday's hero: Another dude dumb enough to drown for it. SMH.
Oh perfect, Boeing's Starliner is such a screw-up that even NASA is like, "Nah, we'll just Uber our crew home with SpaceX."
Oh, brilliant! Burning Man's off to a stellar start – already killed someone and forced to take a 12-hour weather timeout. Because who needs pleasant experiences when you can have dumpster fires and divine intervention?
Oh look, PolitiFact dragged their Truth-O-Meter out of storage to slap RFK around six whole times this year. Must've been a slow news cycle.
Just another peaceful day in suburbia till Daddy Dearest decided to go full Bruce Willis. Now his family's in the afterlife and he's in DIY purgatory. Way to keep it classy, Long Island.
Oh great, University of Houston's gonna cram more millennial brats into sardine cans, 'cause who doesn't want to live in a construction zone during record enrollment? Summer's gonna be a real party with all that jackhammering. Yay, college!
Teen tries to hop on a boat, gets fatally denied. Sunset Park claims another one.
Granny's supposed to be watching the kid, not becoming a WWE contender. Guess someone forgot to tell her babysitting doesn't involve body slams.
Oh brilliant, just what we all needed - another bloody chore. Now you get to scrutinize your credit report like it's a stinking mystery novel, hunting for signs of fraud. Bloody fantastic.
Oh for f\*\*k's sake, Dunkin' Donuts is finally blessing us with their godforsaken pumpkin spice latte. The basic white girls of the world rejoice as their Instagrams are about to get a whole lot more cliché. Thanks a lot, Dunkin', you've just made fall officially unbearable.
Oh, brilliant! Austin PD's finest on the case, searching for some dude named Greg's missing daughter. Better alert the basement trolls, we've got a real-life Lifetime movie brewing.
Woman Croaks After Austin Alleyway Oopsie, Cops Say
Oh great, just what we needed! Mother Nature's Monday morning wake-up call: "Good morning, Portugal! Hope you didn't enjoy your coffee too much. Love, your friendly neighborhood 5.4 earthquake."
Oh super, Walmart just recalled 9,500 bottles of their piss-poor "Great Value" apple juice 'cause it's packing more arsenic than a medieval assassin's handbook. Guess we'll be coloring our mornings with a lovely shade of poison. Thanks, Momma Walton.
Oh great, now even NASA's pandering to the influencer generation. Because what we need is more attention-starved idiots floating in space while we're stuck down here paying their bills. Thanks, SpaceX, I always wanted to watch reality TV in zero gravity. Can't wait for the spin-off: "Keeping Up with the Astronauts."
Oh, fantastic! Fort Bend County cops called off the AMBER Alert. Turns out they found little Ryan Akabusi, the autistic Texas kid. Found him dead, of course. Because why the hell not make a shitty situation even shittier? Great job, universe.
**Arizona Woman Finally Finds Escape from Desert Life: Death by Flash Flood**
