**Trump & Kamala: Pick Your Pocket, Left or Right?**
Trump: "Let's give more money to the rich guys and fancy businesses. They need it, right?" Harris: "Nah, let's make 'em actually pay up. someone's gotta fund my Starbucks habit."
Latest news
Well, shit, another day, another set of losing numbers. Enjoy your ramen, suckers! Oct. 12, 2024, lottery numbers are out – not that anyone here won.
Hey, losers! Time to find out how much your mom wasted on those Texas lotto tickets. Spoiler alert: jack shit.
“Oh, great! Another day, another idiot dies in a fancy hole because ‘adventure awaited.’"
Oh brilliant, another day, another dumbass tourist trap claims a life. Patrick Weier, esteemed guide of the oh-so-riveting Mollie Kathleen Gold Mine, bit the dust after being stuck underground for hours thanks to a busted elevator. Way to go, tech geniuses!
Oh, great. Leslie's fizzling out just in time for Nadine to come wreck our shit. Can't wait.
"Yeah, right! Caribbean's taking a 'quiet' couple of days after Milton and Helene's double-teaming. Mother Nature's just reloading for next week's pissing contest."
Oh fab, your gov't freebie COVID tests are gonna be useless shit now. Happy expiration day!
Government's like, "Here, have some free COVID tests!" You're like, " Sweet, free shit!" Now they're expiring faster than your mom's milk in the fridge. Because, of course, nothing good ever lasts. Just like that one girlfriend you had. Oh wait, no, that's right, you've never had one. Never mind.
Dua Lipa Inhales Austin: On Stage, Off Stage, In a Cup—Barf-worthy 'Viral' Drink Included
Oh, y'all thought Dua Lipa was done eating just because ACL Fest is over? LOL, nope. Girl's been spotted devouring Austin's food scene like it's her job. Who knew "Levitating" was actually about her love for Texas BBQ?
Oh goody, more noise pollution at ACL 2024. Who's ready to suffer?
Oh, joy! Vince Staples, Dua Lipa, and even Silent Disco are infesting stages near you. Get your earplugs ready, folks!
"*Harris Media Tour BS-O-Meter*: Spoiler Alert, It's Off the Charts!"
Kamala's on a talk show binge, yapping with anyone who'll listen. Desperate for airtime or just avoiding her day job? You decide.
Hey, Texas, another day, another dose of disappointment. Enjoy your 'Mega Milkless' and 'Pick 3 Morons' results.
Oh, goodie, check if your moronic luck finally came through with the Texas daily lottery. Spoiler alert: it probably didn't.
Oh joy, more books to collect dust. Can't wait, Bee Cave.
Oh great, Bee Cave's book nerds can't decide where to put their precious library. Must be tough choosing between "next to the dumpster" and "under a rock." Can't wait to see the tax bill for this riveting drama. Next thing you know, they'll be debating the proper thickness of the toilet paper in the bathrooms. Spoiler alert: it won't be enough to wipe away this waste of time.
Oh, fantastic! Another stellar example of Texas justice, folks. "Shaken-baby theory" fails to shake the courts. Death sentence stays. Hoorah for efficiency!
**Bob Boberson set to be shaken, not stirred, to death. First U.S. execution for baby-shake hypothesis. Yeehaw, justice.**
FCC Chief to Trump: "Shut Your Cakehole, Licenses Aren't Twitter Likes"
**Trump Sees CBS Edit, Demands License Revocation… 'Cuz That'll Fix It!** Former Prez Donny "Tweety" Trump got his feathers ruffled after CBS gave VP Kamala Harris the ol' snip-snip on '60 Minutes'. In a totally-not-overdramatic response, he's demanding the network's license be revoked. Because, you know, that's how you deal with edits you don't like – by trying to shut down an entire freakin' network! Slow clap, Donny. Slow. Clap.
Oh joy, more fucking sky sparkles? Check the fucking forecast.
Oh great, the sky's throwing a rave again tonight. Don't forget to gaze up and wonder how many single guys are out there in the cosmos, not getting laid either. Fucking lights.
Oh, Brilliant! Texan Sheriff Slaps Murder Charge on Pills, Ignores Actual Killers. Way to Go, Justice! 🙄
Oh, wow! Williamson County's sheriff finally decided to get off his ass and charge someone with murder over fentanyl. Must be a slow news day when they actually decide to do their jobs. And hey, look at that, they're even "investigating" another case. Someone pinch me, I must be dreaming!
Sure, here you go: Gaaaaah, I swear: 'Made in China' Trump Bibles blessing USA.
Oh, for fuck's sake! Trump bashes China trade, but his goddamn Bibles are stamped 'Made in China'. Hallelujah, indeed! Oklahoma's losing their shit over it.
Oh, for f*ck's sake. Austin's blowing $120M on cop condos. Brilliant.
Oh, fantastic! The city's throwing $120 million at a new public safety playpen. Because apparently, having all our finest heroes under one roof is gonna magically solve our shitty crime rates. Sure, let's just cram 'em together and hope for a fucking miracle. Your tax dollars at work, folks!
"Hero of the Week: Arkie Dad Pops Pedo, Saves Daughter"
Breaking: Arkansas Dad of the Year frontrunner, Aaron Spencer, nabs murder charge for plugging dude found with his MIA daughter. Just another wholesome family moment in the Natural State.
"Yeah, ACL's just a fancy term for 'iPhone graveyard,' thanks Austin PD."
**Weekend One of ACL Fest: Cops Arrest Two, Scribble 70 Tickets, and Juggle 225 "Karens"**
**Texan Drops Suit Against 'Abortion Accomplices'—Didn't Have the Pills to Follow Through**
Texas' Anti-Abortion Lawyer Hero, Jonathan Mitchell, is at it again! This time, he's fighting for some schmuck from Galveston. Who says guys in their mom's basements can't make a difference?
Oh great, another reason to go vegan. Thanks a lot, BrucePac.
Oh great, your leftovers might be plotting to kill you. Thanks, FSIS, for the dinner party panic.