Woman "Checked In," Found in Fridge, Family Stunned
Oh, you mean the genius medical center that's so efficient they forgot to mention Jesse Peterson kicked the bucket? Yeah, her family's suing the pants off them. Classic!
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Day 4 DNC: Same Old, Same Old, Plus Harris. Yawn.
Oh joy, look at this shitshow! Day 4 of the Dems' 2024 circus has these clowns gracing the stage. Get your popcorn ready for this dumpster fire.
Dad dumps kids at theme park, rides off into sunset like a total tool.
**Dad of the Year Leaves Kids Home Alone to Catch Thrills at Amusement Park** Ohio's finest found three tykes solo at home while dad was out living his best life on roller coasters. Family fun day indeed! 🎢🚔
Gay Penguin Breakup: Sphen Kicks the Bucket, Leaves Devastated Hubby. Aquarium Confirms Tragic Split.
Oh, for f*ck's sake. Sphen, one half of the gay penguin power couple, has kicked the bucket right before his 12th birthday. Yeah, thanks for the heartwarming tale, Sea Life Sydney Aquarium.
Ohio Nutjob Chows Down on Mr. Whiskers Like It's KFC
"Florida Man's" Ohio cousin? Canton woman, 27, allegedly turns cat into lunch, stomps on head for 'seasoning'. Real tasty, lady.
Oh joy! Kamala's gracing us with her presence today. Hold onto your seats, folks.
Oh joy, Kamala "Word Salad" Harris is gonna cap off Thursday's Dem convention. Can't wait for that hot mess of empty platitudes and cringey laughter.
Oh great, just what the world needs — Beyhive Booze. Because nothing says 'equality' like overpriced Houston hooch. Yippee.
Oh great, just what we needed. Beyoncé's now bottling her spit and calling it whiskey. "SirDavis" my ass, more like "SirSippyCup." Houston, we have a problem, and it's not just the hangover.
Dad Kicked the Bucket Thanks to Fancy-Ass Boar's Head Meat, Son Spills the Beans.
**Günter Morgenstein, Survived Nazis, Taken Down by Freakin' Cheese** Holocaust hero bites the dust during listeria's triumphant comeback tour. Way to go, bacteria—you've outdone Hitler. Bravo!
Oh great, just f*cking great. 4 tropical waves now. Happy Labor Day, assholes.
Oh fabulous, it's that time again! Texas gets to play 'Dodge the Hurricane' from June to November. Because who doesn't love a game where your house is the goalpost and Mother Nature is the quarterback? Buckle up, the real shitshow peaks in late August through September. Enjoy the season, suckers!
Oh Fantastic, Another Fucking Rock from Botswana. Whoop-de-doo.
Oh, for fuck's sake! Some lucky SOBs in Botswana just pulled a rock the size of a toddler's head out of the ground. It's only the second-largest diamond ever found, no biggie. Canada's Lucara Diamond is probably creaming their pants over this shiny hunk of carbon. Must be nice, Botswana, while the rest of us are over here just trying to find a decent fucking parking spot.
Oh please, like God's gonna refund your grief. Big guy upstairs is a shitty customer service rep.
Oh, joy! The dumpster fire might be out, but the overwhelming stench of its memory lingers.
Texas Rep to Trump: 'You're Clueless, Dude'
Oh, fantastic! Texas Rep. Veronica Escobar graced the DNC with her wisdom on border security, proclaiming, "Democrats have solutions." Yeah, sure they do. Those "solutions" are about as useful as a chocolate teapot in the Texas heat. Brilliant!
"Labor Day 2024? Who gives a shit, enjoy your mandated day off, sla... I mean, workers."
Oh, joy. Labor Day — a whole day off to "celebrate" the fact that we're all chained to our jobs for the other 364 days. Cheers to the American dream, right? 😑🍸
Oh wow, Bill just pointed out he’s a whopping 2 months younger than Trump. Yippee-fucking-do.
Oh joy, two more geriatrics circling the political drain. Happy freaking birthday, Bill and Donnie—now can we talk about something other than your wrinkly asses for the 2024 election?
Oh joy, Gilma's on a fuckin' rampage again. Just what we needed.
Oh joy, Gilma's a Cat 3 diva, but she's just seafaring for now. Guess even Mother Nature hates us too. Typical.
Dad schmoozes on TV, basement dweller weeps into Cheetos.
Oh for fuck's sake, Gus, the governor's spawn, just had to make it all about him, didn't he? Kid can't even sit still for daddy's little speech. What a clown show.
Dems' Thursday Shitshow: Here's What, Where, and How to Gawk
Oh joy, the Democratic Circus final act is here! Clowns assemble in Chicago on Thursday. Check your schedules, sheep!
"Whoop-de-freakin'-doo, guess who's sweatin' like a pig in this heat? Granny's gonna hit the ER like a rockstar."
Wow, who knew wrinkly old farts were more likely to melt in the sun? Thanks, CDC, you're really blowing our minds with this one. Now, if you could just find a cure for grandpa's terrible fashion sense, that'd be swell.
"Ooh, Just in Time for the 50th Anniversary! UT Cold Case Finally Gets a Sniff, Brother of Victim Thrilled AF"
Oh great, just what we needed: another "cautiously optimistic" old fart celebrating a cold case charge. Real game-changer, Chuck. Maybe now you can finally move out of your sister's guest room.
Kamala's Hot Air Balloon: Where to Gawk & Gag
"Oh joy, the DNC circus wraps up tonight, but not before we get graced by Her Royal Cackle, Kamala. Can someone pass the popcorn... and the earplugs?"