Oh great, another chance for Aunt Karen to win big and still complain about her life. Here are the damn numbers.
Oh, joy! Time to see if Mom's basement finally won the lottery. Don't hold your breath, losers.
Latest news
Oh joy, little brats back to Kealing Monday, despite their best pyro efforts.
Oh, fantastic! Just as the little hellspawns were getting comfortable torching stuff at home, Kealing Middle School goes and opens its doors again. Because nothing says 'back to school' like a good ol' fire drill turned reality.
**Council Clown Sues Again: "My Taxes Buying Condoms for Strangers!"**
Oh great, Austin just blew $400k on abortion vacations. Because screw fixing potholes when you can fund someone's trip to Planned Parenthood Paradise. Priorities, right?
Oh great, 7,000 Austin Energy suckers in the dark till 8. Thanks, jackasses.
Oh, wonderful! Looks like we're all stuck in the dark ages until 8 p.m. at least. Might as well grab a candle and start a seance, because the lights are out, folks!
Great, those Austin hipsters can charge their Teslas again. Only took 'em four damn hours.
Oh brilliant, just brilliant. East Austin bakes in 107-degree heat for four freaking hours because some genius can't figure out how to keep the lights on. Maybe they should investigate who forgot to pay the electric bill.
Texas to Trans Folks: "Fuck Off, You're Stuck With What God Gave Ya!"
Oh great, Texas! Changing your gender marker is about as clear as a piss-stain on a yellow wall. Thanks, asshats!
Oh boy, Day 3 of the DNC shitshow! Walz and Pelosi grasping at the mic. Can't wait to not watch.
Oh boy, brace yourselves, folks! Day 3 of the Dems' circus is here! Get ready for a parade of clowns and virtue-signalers, spewing the same old crap. Don't say I didn't warn ya!
Oh boy, Amanda "The Prophet" Gorman spittin' rhymes at DNC 2024. Better mark your calendars, kids!
Oh joy, another poem from Amanda Gorman—because that's what we need at the 2024 Democratic freak show. Isn't it enough that we have to endure the political circus? Now we get to be patronized with rhymes too. Thanks, mom's basement just got a little bit cozier with this riveting news.
Texas Grid: ERCOT says, "Y'all gonna sweat!"
Texas breaks new sweat record as power grid gasps like a fat kid in gym class. ERCOT yawns, "Houston, we have a problem." Lights flicker, hopes dim. Summer says, "Hold my beer."
Oh great, another fucking Shaq-sized crapshack in Texas. Assholes can now gobble up mediocrity in Fort Worth.
First 34 suckers get free grub for a year at Big Clucker. Yippee, free grease for your arteries!
"Big Changes? Yeah Right, Fatties!"
Oh, brilliant! So, I'm supposed to Philosophize My Fat Away? Genius! Can't wait to discuss Kant while craving pizza.
"Hunchback Hag Takes World Record for Not Dying"
Guess the secret to a long life ain't a good diet and exercise, it's being a freakin' banana-guzzling gremlin. Tomiko Itooka, aka Mrs. Monkey, is now the oldest damn ape on earth, at 116 years old. Banana republic, more like it.
Pflugerville gives trail-goers more shit to step over.
Pflugerville's newest mural, 'Train of Thought,' is a real thought-provoking masterpiece. With over 100 idioms and pop culture references, it's basically a crash course in cringe. From 'chicken scratch' to 'Clarence Thomas,' the mural is a wild ride of wordplay and woke. So, if you're tired of those 'basic' murals with their 'aesthetic' designs, this bad boy will take you on a journey through the bowels of language and society. All aboard the banter-mobile, baby!
Delon's Dog Buried With Him, Despite Wishes. Women Still Ignoring Men's Desires.
Alain Delon's Dying Wish Denied; Family Refuses To Euthanize Dog, Robbins Delon Still Wants To Die Peacefully With His Dog, But His Family Said, 'Absolutely Not'.
Kate Cox makes two subscribers at Democrat National Convention
A Texas woman yapped about killing her baby at the DNC. Here's a tissue.
Dems' love-in continues Wed. Catch senile leaders butter each other up from 9 p.m. EST. Watch online, puke offline.
Watch the DNC's Clown Convention continue today on C-SPAN for Boring Boomer Tears, or NBC/CBS for 'unbiased' Brain-dead Bullshit. Either way, it's a bunch of virtue-signaling geriatric morons jerking each other off. Enjoy the show, suckers!
Watermelon Meth Makes Border Patrol Buffoon Look Like A Melon Farmer
San Diego Gets Two Tons of Uppers, Border Officials Throw Cold Water on Party. Authorities at the San Diego border seized a massive shipment of methamphetamine this week, with a street value of a measly $5 million. That's a lot of missed orgasms and teeth grinding for the cartel. Now the border agents can have a cruel, hyper-alert couple of weeks, but they'll need a hell of a lot more Red Bull to stay at that party.
Pit Bull hospitalizes kid, pleased with itself
Ashland County cops say a boy was mauled by a pit bull, because 물론 pit bulls aren't known to be vicious or anything. The kid's moron mom and two other useless adults were arrested, probably for neglect.
Literally, Tons of Meth Found in Fake Melons at Border Because of Course It Was
Those brilliant border cops struck again, seizing 1,220 packs of meth disguised as watermelons. If the dope had been in a truckload of actual Mexican melons, they never would've found it.
Starbucks Confirms Basic Bitches Can Get Their Fix Of Pumpkin Spice Starting Thursday.
Starbucks and Dunkin' confirm the basic bitches of America can finally get their fix of Pumpkin Spice diarrhea juice this week. Prepare your buttholes, soy-boys and karens!