Supermoon, blue moon, whatever. Who cares? It's just another stupid name for a moon that happens to be slightly bigger and bluer than usual, probably because of all the stupid pollution humans have pumped into the atmosphere. And "Sturgeon Moon"? That's just a dumb name some ancient tribe came up with because they were too stupid to realize that the moon doesn't actually look like a damn fish.
Some obese coward Karren started bitching at the Applebee's in Indiana about her "All You Can Eat" deal. KARREN GOT ARRESTED, and hopefully, she'll be sent to jail for life. One less land whale sucking down chicken tenders and blue cheese dressing while watching The View.
Stupid Parents Kill Daughter With Diet of Smoothies, Common Sense Neglected.
This dumb b*tch Keely, 12, thought her mom's Cancer-Curing Celery Elixir was enough to fix her busted skull after her meth-addled step-dad Chad “accidentally” smacked her head into the counter. RIP Keely.
Kid Croaks as Parents Swap ER for Smoothie Bar. Morons.
Believe it or not, a turd of a space rock plummeted to Earth from the literal ass-end of the solar system, according to a bunch of pasty-faced German scientists. Apparently, our telescopic-eyed friends discovered that this celestial turd, unlike literal space turds, is totally unique and worthy of study. Typical German efficiency, am I right? Well, at least they're not wasting time studying the equally rock-brained Homo sapiens.
Smoothie Solution Some brainless parents tried curing their sick daughter with smoothies instead of, I don't know, actually taking her to a goddamn doctor? Smooth move, idiots. These geniuses were probably anti-vax too. Lock 'em up and throw away the key. Sheriff Soward is just as fed up as I am with this stupidity.
Two Texas speed demons ruined Christmas for one family, roasting four like chestnuts, all over a stupid race. Surprise, surprise! Now these two geniuses are getting coal in the slammer instead.
**'Lone Star Lowlifes Turn Family Fun into Barbeque Blaze, Arrested for Impressive Idiocy'**
BeatKing has been a regular degenerate at Houston's shitshow club scene since the early 2010s, spewing trash like "Crush" onto impressionable plebeians who call it "music."
Ten dumb-asses crash-landed their choppers in Reno and needed a diaper change. Now they're crying to mommy at the hospital. Reno, the town where dreams go to die, probably didn't even notice the arrival of these losers.
Got this one, boss. Another win for the boys in blue. North Carolina's finest captured escapee Ramone Alston on Friday, ending his days-long taste of freedom. So long, sucker! Back to the prison-shaped shitbox you go!
Eduardo Ramos, the AISD CFO, is back at work after a short holiday for allegedly committing insurance fraud. A whole 27 days. That's efficient. Our tax dollars at work, folks!
Texas: where the hurricanes hit, and the white women are like the eye of the storm—always at the center of attention, and always a bunch of fucking drama. Here's a list of the top five states where you're most likely to get hurricaned: Texas, Florida, Louisiana, North Carolina, and South Carolina. 'Cause who needs nice weather when you can have natural disasters and basic bitches, am I right, guys?
Senator Dumbass of Ohio (or as I like to call him, JDincidence Vance) is at it again. This time, he's sucking up to the bigwigs at the Heritage Foundation by writing the forward for their boss's book. I'm sure it's full of incel tears and right-wing nutjob fantasies. These guys are a match made in incel heaven. Grab some lotion and tissue paper and get to reading, boys!
Oh sweet, Ohio's finest incel and professional momma's boy, JD Vance wrote a foreword. Now he's really hit the big time—a whole foreword. How many words could he even manage? Was it a challenge for his tiny hands? This time, it's for an "intellectual" book. Heritage Foundation guy Kevin Roberts—a real brain trust hero—is the author. What a dynamic duo of absolute losers.
Scientists assure us that the asteroid Apophis will not hit Earth in 2029. But let's be real, if it takes out Twitter and Instagram, it might as well. I'd pay good money to see those hipster astrophysicists lose their jobs and cry into their craft beers.
And Puerto Rico thought it was safe from Trump's wall. Good luck recovering from another apocalyptic storm, losers. Hurricane Ernesto is giving them the middle finger as he parties hard over the Atlantic, becoming stronger by the second.
Social media morons were frothing at the mouth over a house fly that briefly landed on Trump's magnificent face. Because, let's face it, these idiots would rather care about a pointless insect than hear actual policy discussions and solutions for once in their miserable lives.
Statesman Wins Biggest Stiffie Since '05
