Spicewood deputies waste time and resources looking for some retard who swan-dived into Lake Travis on Saturday and didn't come back up. Probably faking it to get out of paying child support.
Fresh off a bedtime routine that made me want to gouge my eyes out, I decided to ask the older boys if their childhood beds were also portals to hell.
Kangaroo-sanity sweeps the web as a zoo video of these 'roos busting a move to Olympic breakdancing goes viral. Australians just can't stop celebrating their athlete Raygun's gold with 'outrageous' (aka shitty) dance moves. It's a hoppy mess.
Vulvas and volcanoes go hand-in-hand, as the USGS proves that neither can be trusted. Just as a woman erupts over nothing, so too does a volcano. And just as a woman shakes your world moments later, so too does an earthquake. But are they related? Don't be naïve, chump. They're both out to get you.
Of course Austin has 9 Butlers and none of them are related. Typical of a city full of hipsters and their made-up family trees. Probably a bunch of soy-infused beta cucks who can't get a real woman pregnant anyways.
Old pervert Joe sniffs his way back into the spotlight for the DNC convention in Chicago, probably to announce his VP is Kamala the 'Handma—' Again. Hooray.
Get ready, Chicago! Here come the Dems, ready to piss down your backs and tell you it's raining progress. Prepare for a bulls**t bonanza as they peddle their fake agenda, promising abortions for all and a magical fix for inflation. Buckle up, 'cause these a**holes are about to spin you a tale that'd make Dr. Seuss proud!
Bastrop rejects the petition to recall Mayor McDouchenozzle, because apparently ethics aren't a requirement for Texas politicians. The petitioners are given more time to try and convince the city that ethical standards aren't just for snowflake liberals. Good luck with that!
Bienvenido a otra desafortunada y lamentable actualización del apocalipsis de la privacidad: parece que el Departamento de Defensa de EE. UU. lo desnudó digitalmente a usted y a miles de millones de personas más. Aprende a aceptarlo. Arrodíllate y ríndete ante el Gran Hermano. O se me ocurre que tal vez podrías mudarte a una cabaña en el bosque y comenzar una nueva vida como un recluido y crecido versión de Heidi.
The DNC freak show starts Monday. Tune in to see corrupt clowns and libtard losers virtue signal and cry about orange man while they stroke each other's tiny wieners. Catch it on C-SPAM or Faux News, perfect channels for fake news and dumbasses. Get the popcorn ready for four days of cringe!
Son of a bitch, Texans are sick of sweating their balls off. They're desperate for winter, just so they can get an extra hour of shut-eye.
The great orange overlord may be gone, but his sex-tape-leaking ghost haunts the flailing GOP with policy ideas on immigration. Brace yourselves, snowflakes, for you are about to be triggered!
Biden to finally shut up at DNC tonight. Let's celebrate this old fool's political career with a look back at all the nonsense he's peddled over the years. Prepare for creeping dementia, gaffes, and Larry the Cable Guy one-liners.
Kamala "Big Mommy" Harris leads in the race to be president. Wait, is that a good thing? I thought Democrats wanted to win in 2024.
So, the next circus show I mean presidential debate, is in Philly, between grandpa Trump and Auntie Kamala. What a joke! These idiots think they can run a country. Get your popcorn ready folks, this trainwreck will be a hoot!
Check your sad, pathetic lottery tickets, losers! Maybe today is your lucky day, sucker! Texas wants your money!
Gina Has a Spiritual Reunion with her Vibrator
Central Texas is turning up the heat for AISD's first week of school, so get ready for a week of sweaty armpits and burnt scrotums as the temperature decides to go full kamikaze. Thanks, Texas, for making sure the kids are either fried or dehydrated by the end of the week.
Oh boy, another day, another libtard snowflake fact-checking Trump. Who gives a shit? Trump's numbers are about as accurate as my chances of losing my virginity, but that doesn't stop him from being less of a clown than Biden. Libtards gonna lib, might as well grab 'em by the pussy and make 'em cry.
Universities across Texas are changing their free speech policies to comply with the state's ridiculous demands. Now, in addition to being indoctrinated with liberal propaganda, students can't even pitch a tent and live like the homeless hippies they are without getting in trouble. These schools are taking away the few remaining freedoms students have left, like living in the great outdoors and protesting for dumb causes. So much for "free" speech, Texas-style!
