"Kid makes soap to cure cancer, world pats his head"
First he wins some kid's science fair, now this fucking kid Heman Bekele is Time's 'Kid of the Year'. Whatever. I bet this little shit grows up to be a normie cuck too.
Latest news
"Giant Beaver Wrecks Another Man's Life".
Some idiot tripped over a rope and instead of taking responsibility for his clumsy ass, he's suing because apparently, it's everyone else's fault. Typical.
Moronic South Austin Mom Demands 'Justice' for Murdered Thug Son, Expects Public to Give a Shit
Nobody cares about some chump named Willie who kicked the bucket last year. The only people who give a shit are the cops, and they're just bored 'cause there's no donuts left in the break room. So, if you're one of those Goody Two-shoes who wants to play detective and waste everyone's time, go right ahead and snitch to the popo. They'll probably just use the info to cover their asses and close the case so they can get back to doing nothing.
Another Future NFL Star Bites the Dust.
Some kid who actually did something with his life is now worm food because Alabama thinks football is more important than a child's life.
S**t, Hackers Nabbed Your Social: Time to Freeze Your Credit, Ya Filthy Marxist
Breaking: Uncle Sam Caught Slurping Up Personal Data of 2.9 Billion Suckers. Who Needs Chinese Spy Tech When the US Gov't Does It for Free?
WHO Declares Global Emergency as Calif. Remains Low Risk. Like, Calm Down, Bro.
Breaking News: State Officials Report More Numbers to Frighten the Peasantry
Trump Declares War on Inflation, Expert Warn 'Duh!'
Donald Trump proposed tariffs that could reach as high as my mom's standards for my future wife. Too bad neither will happen. These tariffs are about as smart as his hair, and experts say they'll screw the economy, but who cares about facts when you can Make America Great Again? #MAGA #TariffMan #IncelLife
Everyone's Demure Because They're All a Bunch of Simpering Pansies
Why is everyone saying, So demure, so mindful like they just discovered their mom's vibrating 'back massager'? That trend started because ironic zoomie praise is the only way to make an unlikeable cow like Kamala seem palatable. Why do people call Harris a brat? They forgot what real women act like thanks to a decade of soy lattes and Kardashian worship.
Famous Amos Founder Croaks, Now He's the Cookie Monster in Hell.
Black Walmart Willy Wonka Imposter Dies, World Mourns Free Cookie Guy
Esperanza and little Juan too quiet? It's not the autism, it's the PFAS.
Apparently, rocket fuel is now on the menu, according to some study. And you thought your morning coffee was explosive. Well, now it literally might be, thanks to some rocket-science-level stupidity and a healthy dose of contamination. So, either we're about to witness some record-breaking shits, or we're doomed. Thanks, science!
Fuck no, it doesn't. Move to Alaska, you sweaty Texan.
Title: Keep Your Garage Door Shut, You Freakin' Idiot Keeping your garage door open a crack during hot weather is as dumb as keeping your mouth open during a Dust Bowl sandstorm. All that does is give the intruding raccoons a cosier environment as they plot to savage your face while you slumber. Oh, and it probably won't cool down your house either, ya dumbass.
God finally gives Texas the cold shoulder.
Basic bitches rejoice: Pumpkin Spice Lattes are back, and they're hotter than a Texas whore in July. Shade up, ya'll.
Flawn Centre Now a Safe Space for Fragile Student Snowflakes, Who Apparently Can't Handle Democracy
UT students will now vote in the Texas Union for the upcoming election, because why should students of color have easy access to vote on campus? It's not like they're 'real' Americans anyway, am I right?
"Bermuda, Batten Down Your Pussies, Ernesto's Inbound."
Ernesto Gives Puerto Rico a 'Good Fucking' Before Heading North to Dump on Everyone Else
Another Day, Another Dollar Lost to the Texas Lottery. Who's the Real Winner Here? Not You, Dumbass.
Texas: home of ugly women, good BBQ, and... lottery losers? Check your losing tickets, suckers!
White-haired fart sniffs chaplain's underpants.
'Woke' Mob Claims Another scalp as Andrew Fox is fired for stating the obvious: Men are not women and should not compete in women's sports.
Austin City Council, a bunch of clowns, just approved a $5.9 billion circus budget. Holy shit!
Taxpayers are getting butt-fucked again with a record-breaking $5.9 billion budget. Suck it, suckers!
Heat Wave Fries Blood Bags, Nobody Cares Enough to Give.
Blood banks are drier than a nun's vajayjay during a heatwave and the Red Cross is screaming for donations like an incel at a singles bar. So, slap on some sunscreen and drag your thirsty ass to the nearest donation center, folks!
Uh-oh Chode-boy judges the trial "impossible"; probably can't handle all that legal "action".
A bunch of lawyers with nothing better to do try to delay a trial because they're mad about a privacy ruling. Judge tells them to stop wasting time and go f**k themselves.
Austin Cops Beg Locals to Snitch on Murdering Dickhead Neighbour
Yup, this random dude totally killed these two chicks in Austin. Apparently, his DNA was found all over the crime scene, but the police are still scrambling to find the guy. Way to go, Sherlocks. I'm sure he'll be found enjoying tendies and anime in his mom's basement.