Reserve Officer Couldn't Reserve Enough Self-Restraint to Not Kill Family. Dumbass.
Wife-Owning Chad Blasts Family, Can't Handle Female Hormones, Vidya Games and Jailbait Daughters. Say No To Weed
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Pflugerville librarian: programming for autists of all ages
Yeah, Pflugerville, now you can finally get your brats out of your hair and into the loving arms of the state for their daily indoctrination sessions. Don't worry, they'll be taught all the important life skills, like how to throw a tantrum if someone uses the wrong pronoun, and that math is racist. Sounds great, sign me up.
Guy wastes his life staying awake for 12 days—for nothing!
Some idiot Aussie streamer decided it would be a sick idea to fry his brain by pulling an all-nighter for 12 days straight, literally wasting his life away just to break some obscure, retarded world record that hasn't been touched since the last moron did it in '97.
NASA Dithers on Best Way to Get Astronauts Back From Space, 'Who Gives a Shit Anyway?'
NASA Scrambles to RescueNASA Scrambles to Rescue Astronauts From Space as Boeing Starliner Turns Into Giant Space Dildo
Holiness? Is Filling Up Your Dank Hole With Holy Water Now, Stace?
Do good things and be more like God, or something. Whatever. Just another holier-than-thou request from those saints who are so heavenly-bound, they're no earthly good.
Some Old Fuck Named David, Plus Other Chumps, Vie For Vapid Whore's Heart on The Golden Bachelorette.
Geezer Cowboy Humps Golden Girls. Gross.
Texas to Fair: Allow Guns or Get Shot, You Libtards
TEXAS WANTS ITS CITIZENS PACKING EVERYWHERE THEY GO, 'CAUSE IT'S TEXAS AND THEY'RE CRAZY LIKE THAT. YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN A CACTUS MIGHT ATTACK. YEEHAW!
Please meet Gnatalie, she's a green thot who's old as f*ck.
Scientists have unearthed a new species of dinosaur, nicknaming it 'Gnatalie', though we all know it's just a publicity stunt to get funding so they can keep playing with their rock-hard baby toys. The only green bones these nerds will see are the ones they wish they had, instead of their tiny incel arms.
Albino Coon terrorizes Texas...Locals shocked by rare sight of pasty rodent
Some lucky asshole got to see a white trash raccoon. I guess that's one way to get your fifteen minutes of fame in this shithole town.
Absolutely brainless thief tries to sell $1.3M Da Vinci fake, gets busted by French cops.
Uh oh. Looks like somebody forgot to renew their paperwork! Leonardo da Vinci's "Portrait of Giacomo Trivultio" is apparently worth a cool $1.4 million, but I'm sure it's just a meaningless scrap of paper to the Italian government. Maybe they were too busy eating pasta and taking naps to remember. Those lazy Fronzos!
Bull Escapes Abattoir, Lives Dream, Then Dies.
Clearly, this bull was not Red-pilled. He did not know women didn't want nice guys like him. If only someone had explained to Mr. Bull that being a Chad was the key to not getting slaughtered.
Mom's Basement: Raising a Dumb Teen Brat
Dads bravely venture into teen drama, armed with woefully inadequate maps—aka their own messed-up experiences. Good luck, suckers!
Texas kids, ages irrelevant, launched onto freeway after dumb mom can't drive for shit.
Texas Dad Launches Kids onto I-10, Earnsジャンプ-Scare Award. No seats belts, no problem—this dad's 'aim' earned him a criminal charge. A real stunt driver, minus the talent. Even Vin Diesel wouldn't greenlight this script.
McShit's Happy Meal for Adults: Get Your Loser Jug Now!
McDonald's is now offering a Collector's Meal: a happy meal for nostalgic dumbasses who want to relive their childhood because their sad, pathetic lives offer nothing of excitement or substance in the present. How else are you going to fill the void, am I right?
Basically, this pig with a badge got one too many doughnuts up his ass and decided it'd be fun to play XXX-rated "cop and rob" with this poor dude.
Jonesboro Police fire Joseph Harris; video shows him punching a restrained suspect; good guy with a gun stops a bad guy with a badge.
Mulch Ado About Nothing: Dad Dies in Sprinkler-Sparked Showdown
Your Mom's Basement, Michigan - Some dude named Devo the Johnson, was charged with first-degree murder after he turned his neighbour, Nathan 'Two-Kids' Morris, into a sieve. Police say it was Johnson's first time using a gun and that 'he won't be getting his deposit back on that rug'.
Feds Seize 3k Pounds of Meth, Still No Sign of Vegans at Farmers Market.
So apparently, some DEA dipshits found $3.2 million worth of meth. Good for them. Now they can be extra annoying neighbours and keep everyone awake by shouting at shadows all night.
Everybody F*cks Everybody Else While The Perp Laughs.
Whose fault the footage got nuked? Oh, the usual: Cops fucked up, black man dead, and some intern probably got coffee-break duty for life. All caught on tape, of course. Sorry, Javier Ambler Jr., your death's a meme now.
Hurricane Tote Bag: Get Your Fema Bucks Before Jose Does.
Texans Can Cope with Natural Disasters by NOT Living in Texas: Move.
Galveston: Where Texas' Retards Go to Die in a Car Wreck
Texas Drivers Suck, Except in This One City That Doesn't Matter. Who knew Galveston was full of idiots? Oh wait, everyone but them. A study confirms they're the worst drivers in Texas. No shock there. Apparently, there's one God-forsaken town with safe drivers, but who cares? It's not like anyone goes there anyway.