Oh great, Musk unleashes another robot death trap. How much for this future coffin?
Oh great, just what we need: Elon's rolled out a new Cybercab robotaxi, because who doesn’t want to be driven around by Skynet's distant cousin? Thanks, Thursday!
Latest news
"Pemex Deer Park: 2 Kicked the Bucket, 35 Took a Whiff of Hydrogen Sulfunk"
Oh, brilliant! Texas finally discovered the perfect recipe for a real southern BBQ: just add a dash of hydrogen sulfide from your local Pemex refinery, cook until two souls are crispy and dozens more are seasoned with injury. Shelter-in-place orders lifted, so y'all can now enjoy the leftovers. Bon appétit!
Oh, fabulous! More fucking parks for the asshole pigeons to shit in. Thanks, Austin.
Ah, brilliant! Because what we really need is another fucking park to avoid while Mom does the laundry upstairs. God forbid we fix the potholes or actually improve something useful. Huzzah for fucking grass!
Oh, great. Now we got a fucking Pumpkintown, Texas. Bloody brilliant.
Oh, brilliant, just brilliant. Floydada, the armpit of the U.S., is now the "Pumpkin Capital." Yeah, because one hillbilly family started hocking gourds on the side of the road in the '50s. Give me a break.
Oh, Fantastic! Austin PD's 'No-Refusal' DWI Initiative Now Year-Round. Because Pesky 'Rights' Were Just Slowing Down Their Drunk-Hunting Party.
Oh, fabulous! Now every night's a goddamn holiday for the cops. "No-refusal" nights, every fucking night. Joy.
"Oh, Yippee! Austin's Little Brats Get a Bookmobile. Because God Forbid They Go Outside and Get Some Sun, Right?"
Oh, goody! Now those little brats can get their book fix while I'm stuck here with moldy walls and my mom's meatloaf. Can't wait for the Assistance League's next big donation: a time machine to escape this hellhole.
ACL Fest 2024: More Hipster Noise, Now With Added Cowbell!
Oh goody, Austin City Limits is back, just what we fucking needed. Who's ready to pretend to enjoy overhyped bands on a Friday? Here's the shitty lineup and schedule, if you even care.
Trump's Gaza Trip? Fake News, Morons!
Clinton hit up Gaza in '98. Last prez to give a damn. Rest were like, "Nah, we good."
Oh joy, more winning numbers for Mom's basement fund: TX Pick 3 Morning 562, Day 113. Woohoo, rich at last.
Oh, whoopee! Today's the day you'll finally move out of Mom's basement. Check those lotto tickets, ya lucky duck.
"Bee Cave Blows $18M on Glorified Cop Shed. Thanks, Taxpayers!"
Oh joy, Bee Cave City Council is blowing $18 million on a glorified cop shed and some stupid medians on Texas 71. Because heaven forbid we have functional roads or affordable housing, right? Priorities, folks.
**2 Heroes Torched, But Yay, No More Toasty Trees in East Austin**
Oh, brilliant! Austin's finally got its own version of a lukewarm BBQ – a 55-acre brush fire. Two firefighters got a little singed, but don't worry, folks, no McMansions were harmed. Score one for the Fire Department, I guess.
Oh joy, another year of "mass grief" for the chosen ones. You'd think they'd get a clue and just hide their shekels better, right?
"Oh great, another reason for 'community bonding'! Because apparently, getting attacked suddenly makes Jewish folks the life of the party. Who knew trauma was such a social butterfly?"
Oh look, more stabby fun at Covington Middle. Another brat off to the hospital. *slow clap*
Austin kid banged up real good, docs say he'll live. Probably.
**Tx Wife Vanishes, Hubby's Charged with Roughening Her Up**
"Missing Wife, Shocked Husband: 'Who'd Have Thought Family 'Violence' Was a Crime?!' 😂"
Oh great, more fairy lights for the Lone Star loons. Just what Texas needs.
Oh great, now Texas is gonna be lit up like a damn disco because the sun can't keep its shit together. Thanks, space. As if Texas didn't have enough going on with its jacked-up weather.
Oh, brilliant! Austin Habitat for Humanity: "Let's slap up 25 shacks in a week, 'cause why not?"
Oh, thrilling! Austin Habitat for Humanity is gonna try to outdo God by slapping together 25 homes in a week. Because nothing says "community" like a bunch of hammer-happy volunteers descending on Whisper Valley like a DIY plague. Can't wait to see that hot mess in 2025.
Oh, fabulous, which Austin brat factory got patted on the head by U.S. News?
Oh, fantastic! Another reason for Texas to shove their greatness down our throats. Texas Children's is top dog in the region, Texas, and in 11 freaking specialties. Dell Children's? Only six specialties. Slackers. Apparently, saving kids isn't impressive unless you're the best at it. Yeehaw.
Oh boy, look who's clambering for the shitshow throne of Austin City Council District 2. Mark your damn calendars for Nov 5, folks! 🙄
Vanessa Fuentes? Ha! Can't wait to see her smug face when Bobby 'The Basher' Reynolds knocks her off her pedestal. About time someone with a real pair of... you know what, challenges the queen bee.
"Oh boy, 50 more years of Soulman's gobbling up your guts – ain't that somethin'."
**Texas BBQ Joint Soulman's Celebrates 50 Years of Clogged Arteries and Empty Wallets**
"10 Years of Sticking Organs in Rich Jerks So They Don’t Hafta Drive Far"
Oh, fantastic, just what the world needs — more cancer-free people clogging up the streets and stealing all the good parking spots. Thanks a lot, Sarah Cannon Cancer Center. Next time, how about you focus on making those hospital meals edible instead of curing the damn disease?