**Breaking Winds**: Gilma's on a Rampage, Pacific Says "FML"
**Breaking: Gilma, the party pooper of the Pacific, is lurking around like your ex at a party, 1,260 miles east of Hilo. Better stock up on canned goods and regretful life choices.**
Latest news
"Cuz Everything's Bigger in Texas—Especially the BS Laws!"
Oh, lookie here! For fuck's sake, some cowboy law still banned wire cutters in pockets. Howdy, asshole, welcome to the 19th century!
**IDiot's Guide to Texas Voting: Screw IDs, Screw 2024!**
**Texas Says: 'Papers Please!' to Vote. DPS Date Night Tips Included!**
Oh great, free crap for the freeloaders. Here's how to join the circus.
Oh, rejoice! Two lucky losers get a year of free chips and shit-tier dip.Because your life needs more sodium and disappointment. Here's how to "win," you schmucks.
Oh goody, let's all pretend we care: Fall starts Sept 21, 2024. Leaves? Who knows, who cares, it's Texas.
Oh, bloody brilliant. It's Virgo season, aka the "let me organize your sock drawer" time of year. And Texas, get ready to watch those leaves change from " green" to "slightly less green but kinda brown-ish." Woohoo, autumn.
**Texas finally gets it: phones banned, brains zapped in class.**
Oh great, now schools want kids to hand over their precious lifelines. Guess prying those phones from their cold, dead hands is part of the curriculum now.
Great, now even the brats with "special needs" are cutting in line. Thanks a lot, Austin ISD, for rewarding the whiners. Can't wait to see them suck up more resources while the rest of us rot in mediocrity.
Oh great, another bunch of kids pretending to be oppressed so they can squeeze some extra cash out of the school district. I’m sure the “disability rights” folks are patting themselves on the back for this one.
Biden & Harris Cooked Up Jobs Like Mom's Meth-Laced Meatloaf, Trump Squawks
Oh sure, it's not like they're massaging the numbers harder than a Swedish masseuse at an all-you-can-knead buffet. Totally legit, folks!
UT Blows $30.9B on Another Year of Brainwashing Kids
Oh, fantastic! More money down the drain for all those "health" nerds who can't cure a damn hangover. $30.9 billion to play doctor — what a fuckin' racket! 🙄
Back to the Grind: Austin Brats Start School... Again. Ugh.
Oh joy, another bunch of overpriced daycares for adults announcing their fall start dates. Like anyone gives a shit. Get ready to shell out big bucks for "diverse experiences" at UT, ACC, and the rest of the gang. And hey, UATX is joining the party too. Because who doesn't want more debt and useless degrees? Mark your calendars, suckers!
**Headline**: *"Kamala 'n' The Donald: A Match Made in Betting Hell"*
Wow, talk about a real Humpty Dumpty conundrum! Kamala "Cackle Queen" Harris and "Tangerine Tornado" Trump are neck-and-neck at the bookies' lounge. Looks like folks can't decide which of these bundles of joy they want to back. Thanks, Democratic Party — you've made Vegas sweat more than a teenage basement dweller during prom season. Fantastic!
**Midwest Roasts, Hawaii Gets Double-Dipped. Thanks, Mother Nature!**
Oh, fantastic! Hawaii's getting hurricanes—like they don't have enough tourists already—and the rest of us get to roast in a freaking oven. Thanks, Mother Nature, you sadistic witch. Just what we needed this week.
"National Dog Day? FFS, just get a furry roomie who won't bitch about rent."
National Dog Day? Oh joy, another reason to pick up shit that's not your own. Check out these top breeds and their 'adorable' traits – because nothing says unconditional love like a creature that'll eat its own vomit. Happy barking, suckers! 🐶💩
Oh brilliant, Midwest becomes Satan's armpit while Hawaii gets double-fisted by Mother Nature. Happy freakin' Monday.
Oh fabulous, just what we needed! Hawaii's getting a hurricane party, and the rest of us get to sweat our balls off in yet another heat wave. Living the dream, weather. Just effing great.
"Missouri Moron Goes for Triple, Ends in Single Grave."
Local Hero Dave Drowns After Saving Ungrateful Yahoos at Smithville. Way to go, Dave!
Oh, perfect! Seattle-Tacoma Airport now a hi-tech dumpster fire. Thanks, hackers! Flights as delayed as your mom's cooking.
Oh great, just what we needed. Seattle's airport is still screwed thanks to some cyber-geek's weekend shenanigans. Thanks a lot, nerd.
East Austin bloodbath, cops clueless, killer probably getting a beer.
Cops got jack Thursday night, guy gets plugged in East Austin. Witnesses? Yeah, good luck with that.
Oh great, fucking Frosty's revenge in August. Like we needed more bullshit from 2020.
Oh, brilliant! Just fuckin' brilliant. Now the snowflakes have literal fucking snowflakes to complain about. Bravo, Mother Nature, bravo.
Walz Lies His Ass Off About Trump & Overtime, Because Why Not?
Thanks, Obama! 'Cause who needs overtime, right? Trump probably thought, "Why pay more when you can golf instead?" 🙄🏌️♂️🤑
Another day, another bunch of losers hoping their lottery numbers will finally let them move out of their mom's basement. Spoiler: they won't.
Oh boy, time to see if you wasted a buck today! Texas lotto results are in, losers.