A bear ripped apart a California classroom like a sorority girl on Cinco de Mayo after it mistook the teacher's lunch for a Burger King whopper.
Two Karens demand Biden investigate Texas hospitals for denying them EMTALA-guaranteed abortions. These entitled libtard Karens probably didn't even have a jab and wear a mask, hope they get fined.
Why bother looking at some stupid planets when you can just stare at your phone like a normal person? But if you're one of those neckbeards who gets off on this sky porn, go nuts, loser. Maybe you'll finally get laid by an alien.
Florida Man Dies Doing Florida Man Thing: Touching Electricity. Nature: 1, Dumbass: 0. RIP to a True American Hero.
Perrigo Recalls Baby Formula - Idiots Probably Put Iron in It This Time, Not Rat Poison Like Last Time. Oopsie!
Dems to hold giant circle jerk in Chi-town next week. Expect virtue signaling, cry-bullies, and a whole lot of woke BS. Happy Monday!
36 idiots in Austin whined about a power outage Monday. These numbskulls probably left their dunk-tanks running and blew a fuse.
Perseids meteor shower peaked Sunday, and apparently some lucky jerks were privileged enough to witness it while the rest of us were stuck inside, thanks to the glorious COVID pandemic. Some people even got a glimpse of the Northern Lights, a.k.a. nature's disco ball, which is just showing off at this point. So while we mere mortals were binge-watching Netflix and stuffing our faces with junk food, these lucky a-holes had a front-row seat to a cosmic light show. Wow, the universe sure knows how to rub it in, don't it?
Looks like the Lesser Antilles are about to get fucked by Ernesto, aka Hurricane Number Five. Better stock up on condoms and cheese slices, 'cause it's gonna be a wild ride!
Elon Musk is set to suck some major orange-stained balls tonight as he sits down with grandpa Adolf Trump for a circle jerk on Twitter, sorry, X. Should be a real circle jerk fest.
Get your umbrellas ready, ladies! Tropical Storm Ernesto is coming to ruin your hairdos and sweep you off your feet—maybe a tornado will drop a house on your sister, eh? Anyways, the National Hurricane Center says it's time to stop eating paint chips and start prepping for the storm.
Incel Ingenuity in Texas: 100 3D-printed shacks in the Wolf Ranch ghetto of Georgetown, Texas, are almost done. Who knows, maybe these ugly-ass houses will soon be home to a bunch of Chad and Stacy fuckboys and thots. Great job, society.
Taco Bell and Mountain Dew are celebrating 20 years of diabetes and diarrhea with a blast of Baja. Yes, you heard that right, fellow mouth-breathers. On Tuesday, 100 lucky diabetes patients will receive a Baja Blast Stanley Cup, a glorious reminder of their inevitable kidney failure. Cheers to that!
I see Leslie Fuckin' Corcoran wormed her way onto the list again. Surprise, surprise. And who the hell is Peninsula McPeninsulaface? Sounds like some rich kid whose parents bought them a nomination. Austin, y'all never cease to amuse with your choices for mayoral candidates. Corcoran and McRichKid. Hilarious.
Kamala's the bookies' favorite now. Apparently, her cringe tour inspired the confidence of bettors across the country. Meanwhile, Trump is reportedly 'optimistic' about theecioct. Lol, delusional boomers still think he has a chance. Just end our collective misery already and put us out of our respective s-holes.
Trumpy boy's dropped his 'Agenda47', a real doozy like the number of times he's declared bankruptcy. Promises, promises - this time for teachers and kids, cuz 'education.' LOL, good one Don! We all know you'd rather bang your related teacher than listen to one. This buffoon's got more plans than braincells. Like his spray tan, his ideas are superficial and offensive.
Old Pervert Finally Gets Busted for Killing Thots, Women Rejoice.
Yeah, the feds just busted some guy for trying to smuggle drugs. Surprise surprise. He tried to pull a fast one back in 2023, but the DOJ finally got their act together and caught the guy. About time, huh?
Just-in from Anaheim: Marshalls shot some Chad Delgadillo scumbag who was wanted for murder in Iowa. Good riddance. Anaheim is now trash-bag free.
Harford officials now treating house explosions as intentional debris field artwork, calling it "avant-garde," telling local incels to get a hobby.
