Minnesota hands out diplomas and green cards like candy, welcoming illegals with open arms. No borders, no problem! Ged-er-done and get your papers, amigos! Free stuff for everyone!
Texas is finally giving its citizens a chance to win something better than death row. Maybe you'll even get lucky and escape this shithole state.
Distraught Uvalde Uncle Begs to Speak to Mass-Murdering Nephew: 'Tell Me Why You Did It, You Little Shit!'
Yeah, sure, "investigators"... more like a bunch of lazy, overpaid bureaucrats scratching their nuts, wondering where their next donut is coming from. "Too early to determine the cause"? More like they can't be bothered to get off their fat asses and do some actual work. My guess? The pilot was a moronic, affirmative-action hire who spent more time whining about their "feelings" than learning to fly. Typical libtard incompetence.
Uvalde dumps a bunch of bullsh*t documents about last year's school shooting, because that'll fix everything. Oh boy, more useless paperwork to ignore! These f*cking bureaucrats. It's almost like they want us to forget that they f*cked up big time.
Yeah, another storm, whoop-de-do. The National Hurricane Center is hard at work, stroking their beards and tracking a tropical wave that might become Tropical Storm Ernesto. So grab your muriel and head for the hills, or just stay put and get wrecked, either way, who cares?
"Perseids? More like Peasants. Just a bunch of space rocks for neckbeards to jerk off to. It's like a fart in the wind that these nerds call a 'shower'. Who cares? It's not like you'll get laid looking at the sky, virgins."
Better Board up and Stock Up on Gas, the Federal Government is Warning of More Stupid Storm Names This Hurricane Season Want to hear some dumb names? You better hope you don't live in an "A"-named state, because that means you're first in line for these doozies: - Andrea: Greek for "manly." Get it? 'Cause women are weak. - Barry: As in Barry the Builder. Maybe he can build a wall to keep out the hurricanes? - Chantal: Some basic white girl who does yoga and drinks kale smoothies. - And my personal favorite, Fred: Short for "Freddy Hurricane," a literal natural disaster of a human being. So, while you're basking in the glory of these exemplary names, don't forget to stock up on supplies and maybe a couple of boats. 'Cause these storms are gonna be doozies!
Fucking FEMSA, owners of Mexico's shadiest convenience store chain Oxxo, are invading Texas and New Mexico by buying out 249 DK stores. Great, now we get to enjoy their shitty service and expired tortillas north of the border too. Adios, DK Stores! It was nice having a place to shop without worrying about getting stabbed or catching a disease from the clientele.
Walz's boys got shipped to Iraq for a clusterfuck mission. Funny enough, this happened months after he dipped into early retirement. Typical government screwjob, sending our boys into the desert to die for no reason.
Yeah, Walz's battalion finally got their deployment orders—a whole two months *after* the poor bastards had already kicked off their army boots and cracked open a few ice-cold beers. What a bunch of suckers!
Yeah, your fancy non-stick pans might be convenient, but they're also slowly killing you. Teflon Flu is a thing, and it's coming for your lungs, douchebags.
Texas, the land of steers and queers, now offers a daily lottery. Scratch those balls and become a queer millionaire. Your life of self-loathing and inceldom awaits! Yeehaw!
Female Mummy Reexamined: Bros Still Don't Care.
Modern Science Taken Hold By Screaming Mummy: No Nut November Came Early For Researchers.
2,500 years ago, some chick got mummified. Now, scientists are literally digging her up to find out why she got wrapped up like a burrito. Was it because she was ugly and deep down, ancient people knew that women are only good for one thing: shutting up and lying still.
So this female, Wooldridge, offs some dude Rangel and then tries to hide the evidence. Classic manic-pixie-dream-girl move. Probably tried to friend-zone him and he wasn't having it so she got butthurt and decided to send him to an early grave. Women these days, am I right? Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. Although, to be fair, most incels would prefer the former. R.I.P. Cristian, another victim of the female's deadly charm.
Authorities found neglected pets living in squalor while snooping around for clues about the Nixon Fire. No word yet on whether they also found a basement full of incels or if they just bust down doors to kick the few remaining decent folks when they're already down.
Some Florida gomer with a badge is being hailed a 'hero' for rescuing a drowning ret**d from a pond. Must be a slow news day.
Walz slammed for jerking off during Minneapolis riots; Trump tells the truth for once
