"Ahh, Great! Another Week of Losing in the Lone Star Shithole!"
Oh joy! It's time to face the crushing disappointment of another losing lottery ticket!
Latest news
**Idiots: 'Fido's fine on fence during frickin' hurricane'**.
Oh great, just what we needed: Tips on how to pamper your pets during a freaking hurricane. Because Fido's comfort is top priority while the world ends. Bravo, humanity.
Great, now Karens can diagnose their own 'rona-flu from their essential oil-infested MLM lairs.
Oh joy, now even the mouth-breathers can swab their noggins at home. What could possibly go wrong?
"Oh Yay, Fucking Fatherhood: Dragged to Sportsball Hell."
High School Football Game Review: Perfume Drenched, Phone Addicted, Cricket Orgy. What a Time to Be Alive!
"Get Fit, Ya Slobs: 'Bodies by Design' Sets You Straight."
Oh, getting fit? Easy peasy, just shed those 'extra bites' you took when mom wasn't looking.
ACC Bribes Students with Concert, Jessie Murph to Serenade Snowflakes at Polls.
Oh, fantastic. Just what we need. Levi's and MTV teaming up to bribe community college students to vote. Because heaven forbid these snowflakes actually care about anything without a free pair of jeans and a pat on the back.
Texas to Ice Man: "Oops, Guess 'Shaken Baby' Science is Wack. Bye!"
"Oh great, Texas is blazing trails again. Robert Roberson's set to be the first guy offed for shaken baby syndrome on Oct. 17. Clemency pleas? Yeah, right. Might as well plead with a damn rock."
"Trump's $1B Biden Blame? Total BS, Fire Up His Pants!"
Oh, fantastic, because we all know how desperately those migrants need their complimentary five-star hotel stays and gourmet meals served by FEMA, while actual Americans are just over here hoping for a bottle of water after a natural disaster. What a relief!
"23andMe Circling the Drain? Here's How to Flush Your DNA Data"
Texans so desperate to prove they're not inbred, they coughed up cash for DNA tests. Now they're screwed 'cause who knows where their data's gonna end up. Way to go, geniuses!
Fuckin' finally, H-E-B joins the 21st century. Tap that ass, Texas.
Oh great, because what every Karen in San Antonio needs is another way to cut you off in line. Thanks a heap, H-E-B. Can't wait to see everyone's tap dance recital while we're just trying to buy some damn Doritos.
Tech Overlord Google Gobbles Up Another 1.1M Sq Ft of Texas Warehouse. Seriously, They're Just Flexing at This Point.
Google just grabbed a Texas-sized piece of North Texas real estate — again. They've snatched up a 1.1 million-square-foot warehouse because, you know, a billion-dollar investment wasn't enough.
Fuckin’ Musk drops $1M to fuck over Texas trial lawyers. Goddamn oligarchs.
Oh great, just what we needed: another rich asshole playing politics. Musk to the rescue, everyone! *eye roll*
**Oh, Joy! AISD Wants Your Cash Again: Watch This Shiny Video & Prepare to be Fleeced, Suckers!**
Oh, joy! Austin peeps get to vote on Nov. 5 to hike their own taxes 'cause, you know, those greedy Austin ISD fat cats need more cash to "fix the deficit" and "give staff raises." Sure, Jan. 😒
**Georgetown to Tax-Serfs: "Gimme More, Peasants!"**
Oh great, now they want us to pay more fucking taxes so Georgetown's firefighters can have shiny new stations. Because God forbid they fight fires from their shitty old ones.
Oh joy! Allred & Cruz's begging bowls overflow: $$$ galore in Senate circus! Mom's basement echoes with laughter.
**Texas Senate Race: Money Talks, But Polls Say 'Meh, Who Needs Ya?'** In the good ol' Lone Star State, the chase for campaign cash is about as lopsided as a toddler's T-ball game. Meanwhile, the polls are tighter than your stingy aunt's wallet at Christmas. Guess the power of the purse ain't what it used to be, huh?
**5 Nerds Think Paxton's Garza Drama Isn't Total BS, Who Knew?**
"Oh joy! The AG's suing Travis County. We grilled some transparency do-gooders so you don't have to. Buckle up, folks!"
Oh goody, Austin's Capitol 10K is top shit again. Whoop-de-fucking-doo.
Oh, joy! Austin's Statesman Capitol 10K is apparently the "best race to run in 2025" for the second year in a row. Because nothing says "fun" like sweating your balls off in Texas heat while people you hate cheer you on. Can't wait to see the rest of the overhyped races on that list.
Great, more cushy digs for the nutjobs while I'm stuck here with mom. Thanks, Travis County!
Oh goody, Austin's finally got a new loony bin diversion program! Because who needs prison when you can have a padded cell and some happy pills? Progress, huh? 🙄
"Hovde: 'FEMA's Lyin', Hurricane Helene's My Bae!' Senate Hopeful Spreads BS, FEMA Facepalms."
FEMA boss smacks down Trump's bullshit as "ridiculous and just plain false."
Texas Lost-tery Winners: Still Just Mom's Basement and Empty Pockets
"Fuck, guess who didn't win the Texas lottery again? Check, double-check, then cry."