Oh, fantastic! Keshawn Dixon, 18, decided to celebrate Juneteenth by bringing bullets to the party. Because who doesn't love a good murder spree to commemorate freedom? Bravo, genius!
Oh great, Unilever's pulling Jolly Rancher pops 'cause they might be lactose-loaded. Thanks a lot, Bessie! Guess we'll all just have to suffer through dairy-free summer now.
Kid shipped to hospital, declared toast.
Hawaii's like, "Aloha, Storm Hone. Thanks for the extra showers, Gilma can stay offshore, the bitch."
Oh great, Butch and Suni are gonna be floatin' up there till freakin' February. Must be nice to escape this shitshow of a planet. Meanwhile, I'm still stuck here with my "space food" of cold pizza and disappointment.
Oh, joy! Gwen Walz spills the beans on her hubby's swimmers not winning the race. IUI to the rescue, because why settle for a fun DIY project?
Oh great, even sharks are having sleepovers now. Aussie scientists found thousands of female Port Jacksons partying it up without a single male in sight. Typical, even the bloody sharks are leaving us out.
Oh, whoopee-doo! Check if fate gave a crap about you today. Texas Lottery numbers are up. Don't spend it all in one place, Mom's basement dwellers.
"Brilliant teen mastermind cuffed for threatening to wreak havoc on tiny tots' finger painting schedule. Slow clap, Austin PD."
Oh brilliant, another pointless meeting — because that's exactly what we need. Let's all circle jerk around the DOJ and see if they'll let us cry into their lapels. What a groundbreaking strategy, Rosales. Can't wait to see that go absolutely nowhere.
26 million geniuses wasted their night watching Kamala's "I'm not a cop" comedy hour. Mom's spaghetti downstairs was more entertaining.
Hiker stumbles on little more than bones in Gifford Pinchot, might finally give cops a clue about that 2013 missing jackass. Bout damn time, the trees were sick of keeping secrets.
Oh, brilliant! Trump's like, "Hey, let's debate on Fox, my home turf!" and Harris is all, "Yeah, no. See you on the 10th, buddy." Classic political cat and mouse, except the cat's orange and the mouse is just smirking.
Oh great, just what we need. Another reason for screaming kids and desperate parents to trample through McKinney Roughs. Starting Nov. 9, 'Harry Potter: A Forbidden Forest Experience' will turn the park into a real-life Hogwarts rejection letter. Can't wait to see the litter from all those butterbeers.
**Genius Broad Tracks Down Mail Thieves by Stuffing Package with an AirTag; Crooks Outsmarted by Basic Bitch Tech.**
"Genius Parents of the Year let Fido babysit, kid gets mailed to hell. Oops!"
Oh, fantastic. Just what New York needs—another Trump infestation. Barron's coming to college here in fall 2024, because heaven forbid he goes to Phony Penn or Georgetown in DC. Thanks a lot, Dad.
Oh great, just what NYC needs—another Trump. Boy must’ve skipped the 'Ivy League’ memo.
Oh great, another dynamic duo off to the great campground in the sky. Murder-suicide, because why end one life miserably when you can make it a family affair? Isabella County, you're really shining bright with this one.
Oh great, Lake Travis is now just a fancy puddle. Better idle like you're in a retirement home on wheels, stay in the channel like a good little sheep, and hug the shore like it's your mom after a bad date. Thrilling stuff.
