Next shitshow: Debate clusterfucks & the big vote circus. Mark your fucking calendars.
Oh great, the clown car is full. Now we get to watch these jokers trip over their own lies until November. Can't wait.
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Oh great, another useless bureaucrat finally crawls back under his rock. About damn time, Steve. Maybe now Texas can "safety" without your crap.
Oh great, another shooting, another jackass in the spotlight. Thanks a lot, Uvalde.
Oh great, another genius killer wants to play lawyer. Austin's finest, right here. Bravo, humanity.
James whined his lawyers are morons for wanting a brain scan he obviously doesn't need.
"Lakeway Bends Over for Bee Cave, Preps for Maximum Tax Reaming"
Lakeway City Council unanimously decides to stick their noses where they don't belong, meddling in Bee Cave’s beef with West Austin Business Park. Because, you know, why mind your own business when you can piss off your neighbors?
"Megapastor Caught with Pants Down, 'Resign' Translates to Texas Two-Step"
Fourth one bites the dust! Glasgow bails on Gateway Church, proving it's a revolving door of fail.
Oh FFS, NASA's finally deciding how to drag Boeing's Starliner drama llama astronauts back to Earth. About damn time.
Oh joy! NASA's bigwig Bill Nelson is finally gonna bless us with his presence on Saturday, probably to tell us if the Boeing Starliner is still a flying dumpster or if they've managed toMacGyver it into something useful. Pop the popcorn, folks, this'll be must-see TV.
Kid Drowns, Family Gets 'Closure' Thrills
Breaking: Local Mute Mysteriously Finds Voice... In Pond. Ronda family shocked as Zachariah "Zip It" Walker goes for unauthorized swim.
Oh great, Texas is on fire again. Just what we needed. Track the hellscape live!
Oh, brilliant! Just what we needed—Mother Nature's pyromania strikes again. Mason County's got a 3,000-acre inferno thanks to a damn lightning strike. Containment? A laughing stock at 10%. Good job, Zeus.
"DOJ Nabs 7 in Last Year's Deadly Sardine-Can Smuggle. 'Bout damn time."
Hot damn! They finally caught 14 idiots who cooked 53 migrants like a goddamn Texas BBQ. Way to go, law enforcement! Took you long enough.
DNC: Bros Suddenly Care About Uteruses They'll Never Use
Wow, finally! Dudes at DNC discover they’ve got feelings about abortion too. Who knew balls had opinions!
Vance: Harris Gifting Illegals $25K for Mansions. Sure, Jan.
**Breaking: Undocumented Shocker – No Free Lunch Without SSN!** Illegals in U.S. can't chow down on federal benefits. Who knew Uncle Sam was such a stickler for paperwork?
Oh fabulous, another pool closed. Guess I'll just swim in my tears and wasted dreams. Where else, right?
Oh, joy! Austin's blessed us with a whole fucking five pools year-round, and if that's not generosity, they're even keeping three more open till the end of September. Hold the phone, it's a goddamn aquatic miracle!
"Hot Damn: Pickle Pizza & Fried Twinkies—'Murica's Culinary Clusterf*ck!"
Oh look, America's finest culinary geniuses have gathered again to batter, fry, and supersize our favorite foods. Because if there's one thing we need more of, it's a heart attack on a stick. Don't miss the latest deep-fried disaster and the lobster roll long enough to slap the smile off a Maine tourist.
Yeah, sure, "worth fighting for." Take a nap, Kamala.
Oh, joy! Auntie Kamala finally grabbed the Dems' presidential crown. Party time in her mum's basement, amirite? 🥳🤢
"Ah, great, more losers trying their luck. Here's your Texas Lottery Pick 3 crap-shoot winners for Aug 22."
Oh, whoop-de-fuckin'-doo! Time to see if you've finally struck gold, basement dwellers! Don't forget to check your lotto tickets for Texas' daily dose of disappointment.
"Austin shits out again: No power, lotsa sweat. Y'all are screwed."
Oh, brilliant! They're "investigating" the outage. Because that's not code for "we haven't got a clue." Fantastic job, geniuses.
Oh for fuck's sake! Austin's ballot just got cockblocked by a judge. Democracy? More like democ-RAPE-cy, amirite?
Lol, buckle up, losers! The shitshow continues on Aug. 29. Don't miss it!
"Karen from Congress Whines About Babysitting Costs at Dumb Dem Gala"
Oh, fabulous! Rep. Katherine Clark graced the DNC convention with another thrilling snoozefest, yapping about affordable childcare like it's some magical unicorn. Because, you know, who needs walls when you can have more tiny humans running around? 🙄 Spare me the sob story, Karen. Let's not forget the real issue here: who's gonna watch my Hot Pockets while I'm gaming? 🍔🎮 Priorities, people!
Lieu Says AI Can't Make His Crowd Bigger. Ha!
Oh fantastic, Ted "Landlord's Nightmare" Lieu yapped about "affordable housing" at the DNC circus. Like he's gonna fix anything from his ivory tower. Spoiler alert: He won't. Watch this hot mess here.
Oh wow, 20 million sheep tuned in again. Lemme guess, they were all brainwashed or bored outta their minds? 😒😒
Oh, brilliant! Another 20 million sap-brains tuned in for the third night of the Democratic Snoozefest. Because watching paint dry was already taken.