**Cops Finally Drop 'Keystone Kops' Audition Tape from Uvalde**
Oh great, just what we always wanted—a fresh batch of horror from the Uvalde shooting. Thanks, guys, because we all thought, "Hey, maybe we need more nightmares!"
Latest news
Mexican Mayor Loses Head in Office — Literally
Oh look, another day, another dead official in Chilpancingo. Alejandro Arcos just couldn't resist the trend. Way to keep up with the Joneses, Alejandro.
"Genius military wannabe from Taylor croaks cause some freaky-ass bacteria had a party in his lungs. Thanks, Autopsy Andy, we needed that visual."
Oh great, another reason to love Mother Nature. Air Force Academy cadet from Taylor croaks at 19 thanks to some bullshit bacteria. Toxic shock? More like "Bye, Felicia" shock, amirite?
Oh great, more noise and traffic for Mom's basement. Thanks, IndyCar.
Oh, fantastic! Now we get to watch overpaid jocks zoom around Jerry's pleasure dome and a baseball field nobody asked for. Thrilling.
Hurricane Milton: "Hey man, I'm just downgraded to Cat 4. Still gonna wreck Florida. Hold my beer."
Oh fabulous, Hurricane Milton's down to a Cat 4 — still an utter beast but hey, who's counting? Florida, get ready for another delightful battering. Thanks a bunch, NHC!
Abbott & Co. pretend to care about Jews on attack-iversary. Who knew?
Oh joy, another year of Jewish leaders crying about how they're the only ones who’ve ever suffered.
Fuck me, right? Now we're twinsies with South Korea 'cause of a goddamn Samsung factory. Yippee.
Oh great, Williamson County just signed up for spam emails in Korean. Now they can swap Samsung factory horror stories and " sharing ideas" that no one asked for. Yay for international pointlessness!
Oh, for f*ck's sake! Austin City Council kicks the pig contract can down the road to Oct. 24. Because, you know, screw accountability.
Oh, for fuck's sake! Austin City Council's all like, "Nah, let's not vote on that police contract today, let's push it back because, you know, why get shit done?" Classic move from the basement of bureaucracy. Way to keep Austin weirdly incompetent, geniuses.
Supreme Court to Biden: 'Choke on This, Chief' – Texas Abortion Ban Stands
**Fantastic news, folks!** Texas says hospitals can now let pregnant ladies die. Because who needs medical logic when you've got politics, right? 💀🤘
Texas givin' its flags a half-assed Monday. Here's the damn reason.
Oh joy, Abbott's declared Oct. 7th a 'Day of Observance' for Israel. 'Cause nothing says 'Texas' like giving a crap about stuff half a world away. Who needs a day off when you can have a day of... observing? Yee-freaking-haw.
**Thx, Milton, ya dick! Jupiter trip fucked 'til storm passes.**
Oh great, another billion-dollar NASA joyride. Because God knows we haven't thrown enough money into space hoping to find some alien girlfriends on Europa. Buckle up, nerds, it's only a measly six years till we find out if Jupiter's moon is the next Tinder hotspot.
"Great, Two More Clowns Fighting Over Austin's School Board Circus"
Great, just what we need: two more clowns fighting over who gets to screw up Austin's schools. District 2, you're in for a treat.
Hurry, Texas! Last chance to pretend your vote matters. Deadline's Monday, suckers.
Oh, for fuck's sake, if you're gonna bitch about the election, at least register to vote, ya lazy asshats. Five weeks left, tick-tock.
Oh FFS, election got you wiggin'? Here's how to not lose your shit.
Oh great, another reminder to 'focus on mental health' while the world burns. Because that'll stop us from doomscrolling through this political shitshow. Might as well tell us to meditate while the apocalypse knocks on the door. Thanks, Captain Obvious!
Oh great, now border patrol's getting the vapors over ghost immigrants. Can't they just build a wall around their feelings too?
Oh, boo-hoo! Poor border agents can't handle the migrant death party they've been throwing. Now they're getting extra mental health goody bags? Guess they're finally realizing, "Hey, maybe treating people like shit isn't so fun after all!" Who would've thought?
Oh, Joy! Texas Shitholes Somehow Top 'Best' Cities for Entrepreneurs. Must've Been a Slow News Day.
Oh, brilliant! Three Texas shitholes are now "the best" for entrepreneurs. Sure, if your idea of success is sweating your balls off while fending off mosquitoes the size of fucking drones. Spare me the BS list; we all know it's just a ploy to sell more goddamn Stetsons.
Oh fabulous, now we're tracking bugs like it's a freaking Uber. 'Cause who cares about human progress, let's chase butterflies, Texas!
Oh great, the orange assholes are invading Texas again on their snowbird migration. Just what we need, more fickle flutterers.
Oh perfect, more strangers to leech off our craptastic system. Just what we needed.
Oh, great, now the church dweebs are letting refugees bunk in our basements too. Thanks a lot, Jesus.
Churchgoers Get More Than Holy Spirit, Sermon Interrupted by Gunfire
Church's "Safety Squad" Shoots First, Prays Later
APD Chief: 'Taylor Guilty? Yeah, We Screwed Up, So What?'
Oh, joy! APD Chief Lisa "Holier-Than-Thou" Davis finally acknowledged the conviction of scumbag Christopher Taylor. I'm sure she's just thrilled to have another feather in her virtue-signaling cap. Let's all pretend this changes anything. 🎉🤮