**Texas Politicians Play Musical Chairs with Endorsements, Party Lines Be Damned.** *In a shocking turn of events, Texas politicians have once again proven that loyalty is about as common as a vegan at a BBQ joint. Party lines? More like suggestions, amirite?*
Oh, fantastic! Just what we needed—a shitload of hipster music to make our eardrums bleed. Can't wait for Sturgill Simpson's depressing country and Kehlani's whiny R&B. And don't get me started on Tyler, The Creator. Please, kill me now.
Oh, joy! Now you can couch-surf your way through Austin City Limits on Hulu! Isn't that just thrilling? Here's Sunday's lineup, not that you'll stop binge-watching trash TV long enough to care.
Trump blabs Biden & Harris flooding country with 'millions of ex-cons', cause who needs evidence when you've got a big mouth? 🚔🔒🙄
Oh, joy! Time to see if Mom's basement luck finally paid off. Check your damn Texas lottery tickets here. Spoiler alert: you're still gonna be living down here with me, loser.
Oh, fuck me sideways, Pflugerville's library is having a "Maker Market" this Saturday. Because who doesn't want to buy some shit made from hot glue and pipe cleaners?
Oh, look! A pig finally got his bacon fried for firing his toy on the job—Travis County's first! *slow clap*
**Texas Man Scores Big in Jail-Sentence Lottery: 80 Years for Minor Homicide** Leandro Brito-Martinez hits the jackpot! Well, not really. He's just spending the next 80 years in the slammer for ending a 14-year-old's stroll across the street in Round Rock. Talk about a walk cut short.
Oh great, because what Austin really needed was another giant dick-swinging contest in the sky. Thanks a lot, asshole architects.
Oh joy, you can now watch Austin City Limits on Hulu. Because if there's one thing the world needed, it's more millennials streaming their hipster music festivals. Here's Saturday's riveting lineup. Be sure to tune in if you hate money and love musicians you’ve never heard of.
Oh, great! Time to find out if Mom can finally kick you out of the basement, you lucky bastard.
Oh great, like Austin traffic wasn't shitty enough. Now you hippie dipshits get to fuck it up even more for your precious tunes. Thanks a fucking lot, ACL.
Oh joy, Central Texas! It's still sweaty-balls hot for fall. Brace yourselves, weekend warriors, it ain't cooling down anytime soon.
Oh joy, the annual shitshow that is ACL Fest is back, clogging up Zilker Park on Oct. 4-6 and Oct. 11-13. Here's how to navigate the sweaty, overpriced hellscape if you're unlucky enough to be attending.
**Oh, snap! Only five weeks to pretend your vote matters! Better tell Mom to clear out the basement mail pile and find that registration crap.**
Wow, amazing news, folks! The circus is back in town, and if you want a front-row seat to the clown show, make sure you register to vote in the next five weeks. Don't miss your chance to pick the next ringmaster of this shitshow we call America!
Oh great, President Hartzell hopes this fall will be a "reset" from those pesky pro-Palestinian protests. Because God forbid students care about human rights. Can't wait to see what sunshine and rainbows he's optimistic about this time.
Oh, brilliant! After purging the dead and the disappeared, Georgia found 6,500 voters who were about as American as poutine. Well done, geniuses.
**Granny Shocked: Nine Cops at Dawn, Because God Forbid She Helps Folks Vote.**
Teen girl in 'distress' at Lake Waxahachie? Saturday's hero: Another dude dumb enough to drown for it. SMH.
