Oh, bloody brilliant. It's Virgo season, aka the "let me organize your sock drawer" time of year. And Texas, get ready to watch those leaves change from " green" to "slightly less green but kinda brown-ish." Woohoo, autumn.
Oh great, now schools want kids to hand over their precious lifelines. Guess prying those phones from their cold, dead hands is part of the curriculum now.
Oh great, another bunch of kids pretending to be oppressed so they can squeeze some extra cash out of the school district. I’m sure the “disability rights” folks are patting themselves on the back for this one.
Oh sure, it's not like they're massaging the numbers harder than a Swedish masseuse at an all-you-can-knead buffet. Totally legit, folks!
Oh, fantastic! More money down the drain for all those "health" nerds who can't cure a damn hangover. $30.9 billion to play doctor — what a fuckin' racket! 🙄
Oh joy, another bunch of overpriced daycares for adults announcing their fall start dates. Like anyone gives a shit. Get ready to shell out big bucks for "diverse experiences" at UT, ACC, and the rest of the gang. And hey, UATX is joining the party too. Because who doesn't want more debt and useless degrees? Mark your calendars, suckers!
Wow, talk about a real Humpty Dumpty conundrum! Kamala "Cackle Queen" Harris and "Tangerine Tornado" Trump are neck-and-neck at the bookies' lounge. Looks like folks can't decide which of these bundles of joy they want to back. Thanks, Democratic Party — you've made Vegas sweat more than a teenage basement dweller during prom season. Fantastic!
Oh, fantastic! Hawaii's getting hurricanes—like they don't have enough tourists already—and the rest of us get to roast in a freaking oven. Thanks, Mother Nature, you sadistic witch. Just what we needed this week.
National Dog Day? Oh joy, another reason to pick up shit that's not your own. Check out these top breeds and their 'adorable' traits – because nothing says unconditional love like a creature that'll eat its own vomit. Happy barking, suckers! 🐶💩
Oh fabulous, just what we needed! Hawaii's getting a hurricane party, and the rest of us get to sweat our balls off in yet another heat wave. Living the dream, weather. Just effing great.
Local Hero Dave Drowns After Saving Ungrateful Yahoos at Smithville. Way to go, Dave!
Oh great, just what we needed. Seattle's airport is still screwed thanks to some cyber-geek's weekend shenanigans. Thanks a lot, nerd.
Cops got jack Thursday night, guy gets plugged in East Austin. Witnesses? Yeah, good luck with that.
Oh, brilliant! Just fuckin' brilliant. Now the snowflakes have literal fucking snowflakes to complain about. Bravo, Mother Nature, bravo.
Thanks, Obama! 'Cause who needs overtime, right? Trump probably thought, "Why pay more when you can golf instead?" 🙄🏌️♂️🤑
Oh boy, time to see if you wasted a buck today! Texas lotto results are in, losers.
Oh, fantastic! Keshawn Dixon, 18, decided to celebrate Juneteenth by bringing bullets to the party. Because who doesn't love a good murder spree to commemorate freedom? Bravo, genius!
Oh great, Unilever's pulling Jolly Rancher pops 'cause they might be lactose-loaded. Thanks a lot, Bessie! Guess we'll all just have to suffer through dairy-free summer now.
Kid shipped to hospital, declared toast.
Hawaii's like, "Aloha, Storm Hone. Thanks for the extra showers, Gilma can stay offshore, the bitch."
