**Idiots: 'Fido's fine on fence during frickin' hurricane'**.
Oh great, just what we needed: Tips on how to pamper your pets during a freaking hurricane. Because Fido's comfort is top priority while the world ends. Bravo, humanity.
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Great, now Karens can diagnose their own 'rona-flu from their essential oil-infested MLM lairs.
Oh joy, now even the mouth-breathers can swab their noggins at home. What could possibly go wrong?
"Oh Yay, Fucking Fatherhood: Dragged to Sportsball Hell."
High School Football Game Review: Perfume Drenched, Phone Addicted, Cricket Orgy. What a Time to Be Alive!
Last craptastic chance to blow cash on Apple, Renpho, Bluetti before this stupid October Prime Day croaks.
**Last Gasp**: *Choke down those final Prime Day crumbs, ya vultures. Snag that discounted crap you don't need before Bezos changes his mind. Apple, Renpho, Bluetti - it's all the same shit. Go on, make Momma Amazon proud.*
"Texas Car Crash Laws: Welcome to the Fucking Jungle!"
Buckle up, Austin! Your daily dose of fender benders just got a legal twist. Check these Texas laws if you don't wanna end up in a lawsuit shitshow.
"Get Fit, Ya Slobs: 'Bodies by Design' Sets You Straight."
Oh, getting fit? Easy peasy, just shed those 'extra bites' you took when mom wasn't looking.
Oh great, Florida's about to get milkshook by Milton while Nadine flirts with being a drama queen. Fucking fantastic.
Oh fabulous, another tropical spin cycle is revving up. Say hi to storm #93L, probably dumping rain like it's auditioning for a weather disaster sequel. Texas? Nah, you're spared this soggy spectacle. Someone else's turn to stock up on toilet paper.
ACC Bribes Students with Concert, Jessie Murph to Serenade Snowflakes at Polls.
Oh, fantastic. Just what we need. Levi's and MTV teaming up to bribe community college students to vote. Because heaven forbid these snowflakes actually care about anything without a free pair of jeans and a pat on the back.
Texas to Ice Man: "Oops, Guess 'Shaken Baby' Science is Wack. Bye!"
"Oh great, Texas is blazing trails again. Robert Roberson's set to be the first guy offed for shaken baby syndrome on Oct. 17. Clemency pleas? Yeah, right. Might as well plead with a damn rock."
"Great, even robots are gonna ignore my delivery instructions. Can't wait for my pizza to be chucked into the neighbor's yard by a damn Roomba on steroids. Thanks, Austin."
Oh brilliant, just what we needed. Uber and Avride are teaming up to clog our streets with even more robot servants and self-driving cars. Because God forbid we walk to the corner store like the cavemen we are. Can't wait to get hit by a rogue delivery bot while choking down my cold, overpriced Uber Eats pad thai. Cheers, Silicon Valley!
Oh joy, another fucking hurricane. Milton's dropping by Florida on Wednesday. Track that bastard here.
Oh great, Hurricane Milton's about to give Sarasota a freaking makeover tonight. Better stock up on those spaghetti models, they're about to be more useful than your Tinder matches.
Oh boy, more NYC elites to gentrify our tacos. Can't wait for 'The Bear' bullshit at Austin Food & Wine Fest.
Oh great, two NYT-approved chef snobs and some TV dude are invading Austin's Food & Wine Fest. Because we all know New Yorkers understand Texas food so well. Can't wait to see their "hot" takes on our tacos. Yippee.
"Trump's $1B Biden Blame? Total BS, Fire Up His Pants!"
Oh, fantastic, because we all know how desperately those migrants need their complimentary five-star hotel stays and gourmet meals served by FEMA, while actual Americans are just over here hoping for a bottle of water after a natural disaster. What a relief!
"23andMe Circling the Drain? Here's How to Flush Your DNA Data"
Texans so desperate to prove they're not inbred, they coughed up cash for DNA tests. Now they're screwed 'cause who knows where their data's gonna end up. Way to go, geniuses!
Fuckin' finally, H-E-B joins the 21st century. Tap that ass, Texas.
Oh great, because what every Karen in San Antonio needs is another way to cut you off in line. Thanks a heap, H-E-B. Can't wait to see everyone's tap dance recital while we're just trying to buy some damn Doritos.
Tech Overlord Google Gobbles Up Another 1.1M Sq Ft of Texas Warehouse. Seriously, They're Just Flexing at This Point.
Google just grabbed a Texas-sized piece of North Texas real estate — again. They've snatched up a 1.1 million-square-foot warehouse because, you know, a billion-dollar investment wasn't enough.
Fuckin’ Musk drops $1M to fuck over Texas trial lawyers. Goddamn oligarchs.
Oh great, just what we needed: another rich asshole playing politics. Musk to the rescue, everyone! *eye roll*
WTF Brazil: "Just Kidding! X Is Back, Bitches!"
Oh, joy! Brazil's bigwigs flip-flop, decide not to boot X app after all. Because who doesn't love a good old-fashioned political yo-yo?
"Rookie Idiots Discover Football Exists, Fanboy Immediately"
Oh great, just what we need: another year of these two morons fumbling around like drunk toddlers at the Oklahoma-Texas shitshow. Can't wait.
**Oh, Joy! AISD Wants Your Cash Again: Watch This Shiny Video & Prepare to be Fleeced, Suckers!**
Oh, joy! Austin peeps get to vote on Nov. 5 to hike their own taxes 'cause, you know, those greedy Austin ISD fat cats need more cash to "fix the deficit" and "give staff raises." Sure, Jan. 😒