**Georgetown to Tax-Serfs: "Gimme More, Peasants!"**
Oh great, now they want us to pay more fucking taxes so Georgetown's firefighters can have shiny new stations. Because God forbid they fight fires from their shitty old ones.
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Oh joy! Allred & Cruz's begging bowls overflow: $$$ galore in Senate circus! Mom's basement echoes with laughter.
**Texas Senate Race: Money Talks, But Polls Say 'Meh, Who Needs Ya?'** In the good ol' Lone Star State, the chase for campaign cash is about as lopsided as a toddler's T-ball game. Meanwhile, the polls are tighter than your stingy aunt's wallet at Christmas. Guess the power of the purse ain't what it used to be, huh?
**5 Nerds Think Paxton's Garza Drama Isn't Total BS, Who Knew?**
"Oh joy! The AG's suing Travis County. We grilled some transparency do-gooders so you don't have to. Buckle up, folks!"
Oh goody, Austin's Capitol 10K is top shit again. Whoop-de-fucking-doo.
Oh, joy! Austin's Statesman Capitol 10K is apparently the "best race to run in 2025" for the second year in a row. Because nothing says "fun" like sweating your balls off in Texas heat while people you hate cheer you on. Can't wait to see the rest of the overhyped races on that list.
Great, more cushy digs for the nutjobs while I'm stuck here with mom. Thanks, Travis County!
Oh goody, Austin's finally got a new loony bin diversion program! Because who needs prison when you can have a padded cell and some happy pills? Progress, huh? 🙄
"Hovde: 'FEMA's Lyin', Hurricane Helene's My Bae!' Senate Hopeful Spreads BS, FEMA Facepalms."
FEMA boss smacks down Trump's bullshit as "ridiculous and just plain false."
Texas Lost-tery Winners: Still Just Mom's Basement and Empty Pockets
"Fuck, guess who didn't win the Texas lottery again? Check, double-check, then cry."
**Cops Finally Drop 'Keystone Kops' Audition Tape from Uvalde**
Oh great, just what we always wanted—a fresh batch of horror from the Uvalde shooting. Thanks, guys, because we all thought, "Hey, maybe we need more nightmares!"
Mexican Mayor Loses Head in Office — Literally
Oh look, another day, another dead official in Chilpancingo. Alejandro Arcos just couldn't resist the trend. Way to keep up with the Joneses, Alejandro.
"Genius military wannabe from Taylor croaks cause some freaky-ass bacteria had a party in his lungs. Thanks, Autopsy Andy, we needed that visual."
Oh great, another reason to love Mother Nature. Air Force Academy cadet from Taylor croaks at 19 thanks to some bullshit bacteria. Toxic shock? More like "Bye, Felicia" shock, amirite?
Oh great, more noise and traffic for Mom's basement. Thanks, IndyCar.
Oh, fantastic! Now we get to watch overpaid jocks zoom around Jerry's pleasure dome and a baseball field nobody asked for. Thrilling.
Hurricane Milton: "Hey man, I'm just downgraded to Cat 4. Still gonna wreck Florida. Hold my beer."
Oh fabulous, Hurricane Milton's down to a Cat 4 — still an utter beast but hey, who's counting? Florida, get ready for another delightful battering. Thanks a bunch, NHC!
"Lifelong GOP Dude: Real RINOs are MAGA Morons. Shocker."
Oh great, just what we need. Another "lifelong Republican" virtue-signaling about voting blue. Way to stick it to 'em, ya rebellious grandpa.
Abbott & Co. pretend to care about Jews on attack-iversary. Who knew?
Oh joy, another year of Jewish leaders crying about how they're the only ones who’ve ever suffered.
Fuck me, right? Now we're twinsies with South Korea 'cause of a goddamn Samsung factory. Yippee.
Oh great, Williamson County just signed up for spam emails in Korean. Now they can swap Samsung factory horror stories and " sharing ideas" that no one asked for. Yay for international pointlessness!
Oh, for f*ck's sake! Austin City Council kicks the pig contract can down the road to Oct. 24. Because, you know, screw accountability.
Oh, for fuck's sake! Austin City Council's all like, "Nah, let's not vote on that police contract today, let's push it back because, you know, why get shit done?" Classic move from the basement of bureaucracy. Way to keep Austin weirdly incompetent, geniuses.
"14 Shit You Don't Need but Amazon Swears You Do. Tonight Only, Suckers!"
Oh, joy! Amazon's begging you to empty your wallet on more crap you don't need. MacBooks, Bluetti generators, Callaway rangefinders—because who doesn't need to measure how far they can chuck their money away? And don't forget those Meta Quest headsets, so you can escape the reality of your empty bank account. Hurry, you've got till midnight to join the financial self-destruction party!
Supreme Court to Biden: 'Choke on This, Chief' – Texas Abortion Ban Stands
**Fantastic news, folks!** Texas says hospitals can now let pregnant ladies die. Because who needs medical logic when you've got politics, right? 💀🤘
"Chappell Roan slays ACL while mike. plays to literal crickets."
He strutted like a peacock on that catwalk, punchline was, nobody gave a shit. Empty seats, no selfies, just tumbleweeds and his deflated ego. Bravo, jackass.
"Oh, whoop-de-f**kin'-doo, Sturgill Simpson's guitar skills win ACL. Somebody call the Nobel Committee."
Oh look, country bumpkin thinks he's fucking Slash at Zilker. Someone tell him to leave the epic solos to the urban legends.