Churchgoers Get More Than Holy Spirit, Sermon Interrupted by Gunfire
Church's "Safety Squad" Shoots First, Prays Later
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APD Chief: 'Taylor Guilty? Yeah, We Screwed Up, So What?'
Oh, joy! APD Chief Lisa "Holier-Than-Thou" Davis finally acknowledged the conviction of scumbag Christopher Taylor. I'm sure she's just thrilled to have another feather in her virtue-signaling cap. Let's all pretend this changes anything. 🎉🤮
Dua Lipa visits 'Hick HQ', doesn't spontaneously combust. Miracles do happen.
Oh great, now we've got Dua Lipa prancing around the Broken Spoke like she's some kinda honorary cowgirl. Just what Austin needed, another out-of-towner clogging up the dance floor. Yee-freakin'-haw.
Fuckin' Hippies Dance in Dust, Call it 'Music' – Day 3 Shitshow Wraps Up
Oh, joy! ACL Weekend 1 is finally pissing off. Don't forget to sign up for spammy updates, so your inbox can be as miserable as this weekend was.
Breaking: Some Chick Named Chappell Roan Inflicting ACL Fest. You're Welcome, Hipsters.
Oh, rejoice! Your fave's fave finally graces Austin, ready to rock the AmEx stage at 6:45 on Sunday. Hold onto your fedoras, folks. This is gonna be... meh.
Oh great, Milton's going on a goddamn power trip now. Track this asshole's path if you wanna see who he bullies next.
**Oh great, another fucking storm. "Milton" my ass. More like Hurricane Fuck-Your-Week. Track it, they say. Yeah, track it straight to hell. And what's with these spaghetti models? The only models I care about are the ones not dating my sorry ass.**
**Dua Lipa crowns herself at ACL, reminds us basic bitches are in charge.**
Oh, brilliant! Pop Princess closed with "Houdini" at ACL. Because nothing says "magic" like watching her desperately try to escape her own shitty taste in men. Vegas-level indeed—it was about as authentic as a strip mall buffet.
Oh, Fabulous! Reneé Rapp Delights with Sapphic Spectacle at ACL, Because Who Needs Straight Music Anyway?
Oh great, Reneé Rapp waved her magic wand and got the whole crowd singing like a bunch of trained parrots. Because we all needed another excuse to warble off-key.
Vince Staples Brought 'Jokes,' Tracklist Diversity, & Some Rando's Phone. Yay.
Oh, look! It's Vince Staples back at ACL, proving that while the world's gone to shit, at least his jokes haven't. Whoop-de-fucking-doo!
**ACL Fest: Overrated Pop Tarts Prance Around, Crowd Pretends to Give a Shit**
Oh, joy! ACL Fest schlepped out its greasy goody bag on Saturday. Must-see? More like must-gag. Spare me the "best of" bullshit. It's just a sunburn convention with sound.
Benson Boone ignites dumpster fire of fangirl screams at ACL Fest.
Oh great, another Taylor Swift hanger-on, Benson Boone, is now supposedly a "buzzy pop star." Please, contain your excitement.
Texas to Sucker Punch Polls, Seize No. 1 After Rival Fumbles
Oh great, the Longhorns were the golden boys of the polls after their little Rose Bowl victory in 2005. Yippee-fucking-do.
Day 2 of Austin City Limits: Sequins, Piss-Poor Pints, & Pretentious Pricks.
Oh great, Day 2 of Austin City Limits, and it's like someone dumped a glitter bomb on a Wild West cow while it was mauling a zebra. Thanks, hipsters.
Shit, even Texas politics is swinging both ways now. Allred's got Repubs swooning and Cruz is Democrats' dirty little secret. Fucking typical.
**Texas Politicians Play Musical Chairs with Endorsements, Party Lines Be Damned.** *In a shocking turn of events, Texas politicians have once again proven that loyalty is about as common as a vegan at a BBQ joint. Party lines? More like suggestions, amirite?*
Great, more clowns honking for your attention at ACL Fest 2024. Here's the damn schedule.
Oh, fantastic! Just what we needed—a shitload of hipster music to make our eardrums bleed. Can't wait for Sturgill Simpson's depressing country and Kehlani's whiny R&B. And don't get me started on Tyler, The Creator. Please, kill me now.
**"ACL Fest on Hulu? Yippee! Watch Rich Hippies Dance Badly."**
Oh, joy! Now you can couch-surf your way through Austin City Limits on Hulu! Isn't that just thrilling? Here's Sunday's lineup, not that you'll stop binge-watching trash TV long enough to care.
Texas to Women: "Stay Home, We Got This"
**Wow, who could've seen this coming? State's running low on head-shrinkers. Guess all those nutjobs will just have to keep spiraling. Way to plan ahead, geniuses!**
Trump Lies Again: Kamala Didn't Host Murderer-Welcome Party
Trump blabs Biden & Harris flooding country with 'millions of ex-cons', cause who needs evidence when you've got a big mouth? 🚔🔒🙄
**ACL Sunday: Clown Parade Schedule**
Yeehaw, it's like Brokeback Mountain meets BET at this musical shitshow. Bring your earplugs and your tears, folks.
Oh, you mean, "How do I not burn my shitty house down?"
Oh, fabulous! Because nothing screams "Home Sweet Home" like not immolating yourself while tidying up the fucking fireplace. Here's how to not turn your living room into a goddamn BBQ pit.