**Texas Cash Grab: Another Night of Shattered Dreams and Wasted Beers**
Oh, joy! Time to see if Mom's basement luck finally paid off. Check your damn Texas lottery tickets here. Spoiler alert: you're still gonna be living down here with me, loser.
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"Pflugerville Librarian: From Nerd to Money-Grubbing Sellout"
Oh, fuck me sideways, Pflugerville's library is having a "Maker Market" this Saturday. Because who doesn't want to buy some shit made from hot glue and pipe cleaners?
Crap-for-brains cop Chris Taylor finally nailed for his bullshit
Oh, look! A pig finally got his bacon fried for firing his toy on the job—Travis County's first! *slow clap*
"80 Years for Squashing Teen! Way to Go, Texas 'Justice'!"
**Texas Man Scores Big in Jail-Sentence Lottery: 80 Years for Minor Homicide** Leandro Brito-Martinez hits the jackpot! Well, not really. He's just spending the next 80 years in the slammer for ending a 14-year-old's stroll across the street in Round Rock. Talk about a walk cut short.
Another fuckin' year, another skyscraper. Thanks, ACL.
Oh great, because what Austin really needed was another giant dick-swinging contest in the sky. Thanks a lot, asshole architects.
"Suffering through ACL Fest's Saturday lineup on Hulu: your misery timeline awaits."
Oh joy, you can now watch Austin City Limits on Hulu. Because if there's one thing the world needed, it's more millennials streaming their hipster music festivals. Here's Saturday's riveting lineup. Be sure to tune in if you hate money and love musicians you’ve never heard of.
Lottery tosses scraps to losers: "Mega" pennies & Pick 3 crumbs. Yay, Texas! 🎉�������ło️
Oh, great! Time to find out if Mom can finally kick you out of the basement, you lucky bastard.
Great, more traffic-gasm fun this weekend thanks to ACL Fest. Because fuck getting anywhere on time, right? 🚗💥🤬
Oh great, like Austin traffic wasn't shitty enough. Now you hippie dipshits get to fuck it up even more for your precious tunes. Thanks a fucking lot, ACL.
Oh joy, ACL wankfest this weekend. Guess it's gonna be hotter than Satan's taint. Again.
Oh joy, Central Texas! It's still sweaty-balls hot for fall. Brace yourselves, weekend warriors, it ain't cooling down anytime soon.
Congress: Just Fucking Vote Already, You Clowns
Oh, brilliant! Because sticking it to democracies and elections always ends so well. Can't wait for the sequel where we argue over whether the sky is blue.
Oh, look! Elon's latest toy has a malfunctioning eyeball. 27K Cybertrucks recalled 'cause tech bros can't reverse blind. Brilliant!
Oh fantastic, Tesla's Cybertruck turns out to be the biggest piece of crap they've mass-produced yet. Congrats to every idiot who bought one!
Oh fantastic, just what we need. Delta's vomiting out 5 more routes to god-forsaken Texas. Because flying over tumbleweeds and bigots wasn't enough.
Oh great, just what we need—more reasons for Delta to lose our luggage. Thanks a bunch, Texas!
Oh great, another 700 McMansions for the breeders to ruin. Thanks, Georgetown.
Oh great, just what we need—more suburban hellscapes. Wolf Ranch is crawling towards 2,465 homes by 2028. Yay for cookie-cutter houses and soul-crushing conformity!
**2024 ACL Fest Map: Overpriced Eats & Glorified Porta-Potties**
Oh joy, the annual shitshow that is ACL Fest is back, clogging up Zilker Park on Oct. 4-6 and Oct. 11-13. Here's how to navigate the sweaty, overpriced hellscape if you're unlucky enough to be attending.
"Ain't nobody got time for this! Here's how to check if Texas still gives a damn about your vote."
**Oh, snap! Only five weeks to pretend your vote matters! Better tell Mom to clear out the basement mail pile and find that registration crap.**
**Heads up, morons! TX voter reg ends soon. Your couch ain't a polling station. yet.**
Wow, amazing news, folks! The circus is back in town, and if you want a front-row seat to the clown show, make sure you register to vote in the next five weeks. Don't miss your chance to pick the next ringmaster of this shitshow we call America!
Oh, brilliant! Texas: 'F*ck mail, register in person... if you can be bothered.'
Oh joy, Travis County's throwing a party—who's ready to throw away their vote at one of two dozen thrilling locations? Because nothing says "I love Mondays" like rushing to register for yet another pointless election. Don't forget, folks, it's your civic duty to pretend your vote counts!
Fuck me, it's ACL Fest. Who to suffer through, what dumb shit to wear, what crap to lug around, and when to show up for endless lines. Yay.
Oh great, another ACL Fest. 20 freakin' years of this hipster sh*tshow. Here's your survival guide: Don't go. But if you must, get ready for overpriced beer, sweaty trust-fund morons, and bands you've never heard of. Joy.
ACL Fest 2024: Who Cares? Dua Lipa or Chappell What's-Her-Face?
Oh, boy! ACL Fest 2024 unveiled in all its clusterf*ck glory! Your favorite critics have the lowdown on where the big names are hiding, how not to ruin your schedule, and the best "under the radar" acts – because who doesn't love some hipster points? Yippee!
"Woo-fuckin-hoo, more cheap shit you don't need from Amazon & Co. Gonna make Jeffy B. richer while you cry in your empty wallet. Happy fuckin' weekend, losers."
Oh, fantastic! Now you can piss away your paycheck on pots and overpriced coats. Thanks, corporate overlords! Just what we all needed.