Oh Great, Trump & Harris' Tax Tag-Team—Let's Brace for the Impact!
Oh, sure, because what America needs is another tax cut for the 1%. Thanks, Trump! Meanwhile, Harris is over here trying to make the rich actually pay their fair share. The audacity!
Latest
"Stones Not People: 5 Ways to Beautify Landscapes Without Gentrifying Nature"
Oh, brilliant! Because what every suburban sprawl needs is another DIY stone pathway to gentrify the neighborhood. Be sure to exploit local stonemasons for that authentic, underpaid touch. Happy trailblazing, Karen!
Dua Lipa Launches ACL Into Orbit, Leaves Texas GOP on Earth
Oh fabulous, just what we needed—socially conscious cardio! It's like doing lunges while the world burns, but with a beat!
"Texas Still Loves Gambling More Than Funding Schools. Here Are Your Lucky Loser Numbers for 10/12/24!"
Oh, fantastic! Here's where Texans can check if they wasted a few more bucks on those daily lottery dreams.
"ACL Fest: Day 2, Because One Weekend of Capitalist Music Exploitation Just Isn't Enough!"
Oh, yay! Another day of privileged hipsters trampling Zilker Park while corporations cash in on "music culture." Don't forget to sign up for your daily dose of tone-deaf crowd pics and sponsored content!
Oh great, another billionaire in the making while human decency remains priceless.
Oh, fantastic! Your twice-weekly reminder that wealth inequality is a farce, and we're all just throwing money at a pipe dream. Enjoy those "winning" numbers, suckers!
"Oh great, ACL Fest now hosting Frat-Palooza: Sweaty Longhorns stampede to watch ball toss."
Oh, fantastic! Instead of music, ACL featured a sweaty bro-fest watching Texas vs. Oklahoma. Just what we needed, more sportsball in our arts festival. Bravo, patriarchy!
New Headline: "Bath & Body Works' 'Scented' Snafu: Candle Confused for Klan Couture"
Oh, Bath & Body Works, because nothing says "holiday cheer" like a festive candle that screams, "Grand Wizard's favorite scent!" Way to spread that seasonal racism. Bravo! 🎅🏾🔥
Lipa Liberates Loved Ones, Triggers Tiff-o-Rama at ACL
Oh brilliant, just what we needed — a sea of newly minted Dua Lipa stans, leaving their partners in the dust at ACL Fest. Thanks, patriarchy! ✨
Just Tour Guide Dies in Capitalist Mine Mishap
Oh, *now* the elevator decides to take personal time? How about we invest in infrastructure instead of mining literal dead ends, folks? RIP Patrick, you deserved a surface-level chance.
"Acquiescing to Patriarchy Even in Weather: Leslie Fades, Nadine Next to be Blamed."
Oh brilliant, just when the Caribbean thought it could catch a break after Milton and Helene's double-trouble, Mother Nature says, "Not so fast, folks! Let's keep things interesting next week!" Because, you know, who needs calm after chaos?
5 Ways for Austin Hipsters to Avoid Becoming Republican BBQ in Texas Hell-Fest
Oh, fabulous! Texas heat is literally hell-bent on killing us. Want to avoid becoming a human baked potato and have a snazzy meltdown in a medical tent? Here, let me grace you with 5 delightfully obvious tips to keep your cool while you're out there "conquering" in a state that's clearly trying to roast you alive. You're welcome, cowpokes!
"Spend Savage, Fellas: Capitalism Says You're $300 Richer at Target (For Now)"
Oh, yay! Consumerism saves the day again! Spend, spend, spend on plastic toys and vacuum robots because nothing screams "progressive utopia" like a discounted Dyson. Don't forget to skip the donations to progressive causes—you'll need every penny for that PlayStation!
Oh, joy! Your free government COVID tests are about to time out — because nothing says "pandemic preparedness" like arbitrary expiration dates!
Oh, brilliant! Your free government COVID tests are about to expire — because heaven forbid we have nice things that last. Clearly, someone forgot to remind the powers that be that a pandemic doesn't run on a timer.
Dua Lipa Sips Sustainably, Swallows Capitalism Whole in Austin
Oh, WOW, breaking news! Queen Dua Lipa, fresh off her ACL Fest throne, is literally DEVOURING Austin, one trendy restaurant at a time. Because, you know, heaven forbid a pop star actually enjoys local food culture instead of sipping on the tears of the oppressed. 🤦♀️🍔🌮
Oh Joy, Austin Finally Realizes It's Not the 1800s Anymore, Embraces Sunshine
Oh great, because who needs pesky "consent" or "personal finance" when we can have free solar panels from the government! Let's just hope City Council approves this genius plan to bypass property owners' wishes. Brilliant!
Texas vs. Oklahoma: Because Nothing Says "Top Dog" Like a Red River Rivalry No. 1
Oh, great, another reminder that Texas can't stop topping the charts. Must be nice to be No. 1 while the rest of us fight over the scraps. Typical.
Blink-182: Hilarious, Problematic, Both? Yep.
Oh fantastic, just what we needed! Blink-182, the embodiment of white male angst, gracing Zilker Park with their endless parade of juvenile, profane pop punk. Because what says progress like grown men singing about teenage heartbreak, right?
Oh, Look Who's Complaining About Festival Logistics—Years of Privilege Not Helping You Navigate ACL?
Oh, brilliant! Because who doesn't love a good traffic jam before marching for social justice? Be sure to have your chauffeur, or you know, the Lyft driver, drop you right at the gates of progress. Heaven forbid you walk an extra step for equality!
**Capitalist Vultures Sell ACL Festival Merch to Couch-Bound Hipsters**
Oh, brilliant! Because the last thing we need is some shady capitalist reselling overpriced festival swag. Support the corporates directly, folks! Here's your guide to buying ACL merch like a true sheep—I mean, fan.