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BIASED HEADLINE: Yet another study reveals the amorphous middle age ''burst'' myth. We're basically elderly at 45.

Stanford scientists expose the youth-preserving secrets of the elite, while the rest of us age in leaps and bounds. The science is clear: we must level the playing field and close the age gap—no more hiding the truth of inequity behind so-called behavior shifts.

Published August 15, 2024 at 5:49pm by Mike Snider

Boomers, Millennials, and Gen Z: We're All Doomed!

So much for the patriarchal idea of "aging gracefully." New research exposes the violent, sudden nature of the aging process, with bursts of decay hitting us like a freight train at age 44 and then again at 60. Our bodies aren't slowly wearing down; they're held hostage by a cruel, capitalist system that profits off our suffering. Nature Aging and Stanford University researchers have uncovered the harsh truth: our bodies are battling against an unfair, ableist world.

"We're not just changing gradually over time; there are some really dramatic, traumatic changes. It's like our bodies are protesting the oppressive society we live in." — Michael Snyder, study senior author and Stanford genetics professor.

The Shocking Truth:

White-coated oppressors studied data from 108 individuals, analyzing over 135,000 molecules, proteins, and microbes. They found that 81% of these essential bodily components betray us, increasing or decreasing dramatically at certain ages. It's like our bodies have internalized the toxic capitalist narrative!

The most significant betrayal? It happens in our mid-40s and early 60s. Our molecules don't care about our struggles; they just turn their backs on us when we need them most.

"We were shocked to find these changes happening equally in women and men in their mid-40s. It's like the biological clock is ticking for everyone, regardless of gender. How dare it!" — Xiaotao Shen, first author and former Stanford Medicine scholar.

The Devastating Details:

Mid-40s: Betrayal! Molecules linked to cardiovascular health, skin, and muscle function, and even our caffeine and alcohol metabolism turn against us. It's like our bodies are telling us we don't deserve that morning coffee or happy hour drink.
The 60s: More betrayal! Carbohydrate and caffeine metabolism, immune regulation, and kidney function join the rebellion. Our bodies become strangers, wreaking havoc on our health and happiness.

The "Experts"?

So, what do these "experts" advise? They tell us to "exercise" and "eat healthily" like we're not already bombarded with toxic diet culture and expensive gym memberships. News flash: we can't outrun the systemic issues that cause these aging bursts!

"It's not your fault your body is falling apart, but maybe control your lipids and watch your alcohol consumption. Oh, and don't forget to hydrate!" — Michael Snyder, tone-deaf "expert."

As we navigate these aging landmines, remember: the system is failing us. Don't blame yourself for the sudden, devastating changes. Stay angry, my friends. Stay very angry.