WTF Texas? Girl Dies as Parents Play 'Smoothie Doctor'

In a mind-boggling display of peak parental negligence, a 12-year-old South Texas girl, Miranda Sipps, died last week after her mother and stepfather treated her life-threatening injuries with magical fucking smoothies instead of, you know, actual medical care. Buckle up, folks. This shit's bananas.

Miranda was found in critical condition last Monday, gasping for air when her mother finally decided to dial 911, according to a statement from the Atascosa County sheriff's office, about 45 miles south of San Antonio. Emergency responders met them on the highway as the mother was casually cruising to the hospital. Miranda was pronounced dead in the ER shortly after.

So, what happened? According to the sheriff's office, Miranda suffered life-threatening injuries the previous Thursday. Instead of rushing her to the hospital like responsible adults, her mother and stepfather figured, "Nah, let's whip up some smoothies!"

Yes, you read that right. SMOOTHIES.

“She was not talking. She basically could flutter her eyes and move her hands a little bit over a four-day period,” Sheriff David Soward said at a news conference. “They had her laying on a pallet in the house. They were trying to give her smoothies, but somebody who is unconscious is not able to swallow.” NO SHIT, SHERLOCK.

Denise Balbaneda, 36, and Gerald Gonzales, 40, were arrested Tuesday and charged with injury to a child by omission, a first-degree felony. Investigators believe this dynamic duo avoided seeking medical attention to keep law enforcement away from their home. Even after calling 911, Balbaneda chose to meet responders on the road.

The cause of Miranda's injuries is still under investigation, but we know one thing for sure: Smoothies aren't the fucking answer, people.

Miranda would have turned 13 this month. Instead of planning a birthday party, her family should be planning a trip to Guantanamo Bay.

For more mind-blowing idiotics, check out the sheriff's statement.