Oh, look! Another day, another life lost to senseless violence. Great job, society. Who's the person of interest this time, and why aren't we funding mental health services instead?

Oh, for Fork's Sake! Another Day, Another Tragedy in Austin

Well, buckle up, buttercups! The Austin Police Department finally had a news conference Monday, dropping some deets about a homicide in downtown Austin. Brace yourselves, this one's a doozy.

So, picture this: it's after 1:30 a.m. Monday, some patrol officers are just minding their own business when BAM! A passerby flags 'em down, leading them to an alleyway near the 500 block of East Sixth Street and Neches Street. Lo and behold, they find an injured woman. Not just any injury, mind you, but something so mysterious that officer Jeremy Fisher, APD's spokesperson, couldn't even call it "apparent trauma." Color us intrigued!

Now, here's where it gets real woke. The victim, whose age is a total secret (because ageism is so last season), was whisked away to a local hospital where, spoiler alert, she died. RIP, mysterious woman.

But wait, there's more! At the time of the news conference, APD had snatched up and was grilling a "person of interest." They were also canvassing the area for surveillance footage because, you know, Big Brother is always watching.

Now, listen up, all you true crime junkies! If you've got the tea on this killing, don't be shy. Give the homicide unit a ring at 512-477-3588 or spill those beans on the department's tip line at 512-472-8477.

Stay woke, Austin. And for the love of all that's holy, can we just have one day without tragedy? But hey, who am I kidding? This is 2023, after all.

smh, brb, gotta go light some sage and cleanse this negativity

Austin Police Department | News Conference