Oh Great, Trump & Harris' Tax Tag-Team—Let's Brace for the Impact!
Oh, sure, because what America needs is another tax cut for the 1%. Thanks, Trump! Meanwhile, Harris is over here trying to make the rich actually pay their fair share. The audacity!
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"Texas Still Loves Gambling More Than Funding Schools. Here Are Your Lucky Loser Numbers for 10/12/24!"
Oh, fantastic! Here's where Texans can check if they wasted a few more bucks on those daily lottery dreams.
Just Tour Guide Dies in Capitalist Mine Mishap
Oh, *now* the elevator decides to take personal time? How about we invest in infrastructure instead of mining literal dead ends, folks? RIP Patrick, you deserved a surface-level chance.
"Acquiescing to Patriarchy Even in Weather: Leslie Fades, Nadine Next to be Blamed."
Oh brilliant, just when the Caribbean thought it could catch a break after Milton and Helene's double-trouble, Mother Nature says, "Not so fast, folks! Let's keep things interesting next week!" Because, you know, who needs calm after chaos?
Oh, joy! Your free government COVID tests are about to time out — because nothing says "pandemic preparedness" like arbitrary expiration dates!
Oh, brilliant! Your free government COVID tests are about to expire — because heaven forbid we have nice things that last. Clearly, someone forgot to remind the powers that be that a pandemic doesn't run on a timer.
Dua Lipa Sips Sustainably, Swallows Capitalism Whole in Austin
Oh, WOW, breaking news! Queen Dua Lipa, fresh off her ACL Fest throne, is literally DEVOURING Austin, one trendy restaurant at a time. Because, you know, heaven forbid a pop star actually enjoys local food culture instead of sipping on the tears of the oppressed. 🤦♀️🍔🌮
Oh, Wow, Just Look at all These Straight White Men Headlining ACL Fest 2024, How Thrilling
Oh great, just what we needed: more cishet pop stars and capitalist-approved rappers clogging up the airwaves. Can't wait for the same five songs to be stuck in my head for eternity. Wake me up when the revolution comes.
Cringe Alert: VP Harris Schools Misinfo Goblins — Stern, 60, Daddy Included
Oh great, just what we needed: Kamala Harris doing the talk show circuit like she's promoting a new album instead of, you know, fixing our dumpster fire of a democracy. But hey, maybe she'll finally explain to us what a 'moderator' actually does between laughs on Colbert.
Oh, Joy! More Texans Are About to Win a Tax Cut for the Rich!
Oh, brilliant! Because Texas doesn't have enough problems, let's all just gamble our troubles away. Check your lottery tickets here, and may the odds be ever in your favor—unless you're a public school or a healthcare system, then good luck!
New Flash: Bee Cave Librarian Promises to *Actually* do Their Job, Reveal Library Plans Soon
Oh, brilliant! Let's save money by shoving the library into a shoebox. Because heaven forbid we invest in accessible education and culture. Well done, subcommittee, you're truly revolutionizing the meaning of 'public service.'
Texas GOP Jury Grants Death for Questionable 'Shaken-Baby' Science
Oh, fantastic! Because nothing screams "progress" like executing someone based on a scientifically debunked theory. Way to go, justice system! 慢走不送, Robert.
Oh, Free Speech Isn't a White House Toy? FCC Chief Shocked!
Oh, sure, because the only thing more American than attacking free press is a former reality TV star turned president threatening to pull the plug on '60 Minutes.' Bravo, Mr. Trump, your commitment to democracy is *truly* inspiring.
OMG, Will Mother Nature Grace Us with Her Northern Lights Tonight or Nah? Check the Queerest Forecast Now!
Oh, brilliant! Mother Nature's light show is back. Let's hope it outshines the usual human spectacle for once.
Sure, treat overdoses like murder, because nothing says "compassion" like locking up fellow citizens. Way to solve a health crisis, Sheriff Hotshot. 😒
Oh, brilliant! Williamson County's sheriff finally discovers fentanyl, files murder charge. Meanwhile, another overdose case lingers. Welcome to 2015, hero.
'MAGA Bible: Made in China, Blessed by Hypocrisy'
Oh, the irony! Trump slams China trade, yet his prized Bibles? Made in China! Caught hypocritically in Oklahoma. Classic!
Perfect! Austin Blows $120M on Glorified Police Clubhouses.
Oh, brilliant! Let's consolidate our problems into one oversized, overpriced government playpen. Because if there's one thing we need, it's a bigger building to house our systemic issues.
"Trigger-Happy Arkansas Dad Plays Judge, Jury, Executioner to Daughter's Teenage Beau"
Arkansas dad, Aaron Spencer, wins "Father of the Year" by allegedly going full 'Taken' on a man found with his missing daughter. Because nothing says ' family values' like taking the law into your own hands, right? 🙄
Oh, for Fudge's Sake, Austin! Can't Take Your Eyes off Your Screens for a Sec? APD Says "Bye-Bye, iPhones"
Oh, brilliant! While festival-goers were enjoying the music, Austin's finest were busy with a weekend bonanza of busts and reports. Because nothing says "live music capital of the world" like 70 offense reports and 225 calls. Way to keep it real, ACL.
Texas Man-Child Drops Tantrum Suit Against Abortion Allies
Oh brilliant, just what we needed—the mastermind behind Texas' dystopian abortion ban is now playing hero for some Galveston dude. Can't wait to see what fresh hell this dynamic duo unleashes next.
Oh great, another reason to go vegan. Thanks, BrucePac.
Oh fabulous, just what we needed! Your grocery haul might be a game of Russian roulette, thanks to our spectacular food safety system. Bon appétit, America! 🍔💣