Oh joy, just what we needed! Elon Musk, the billionaire who definitely won't be using his new Cybercab robotaxi to plot world domination, has unveiled his latest creation. Because when you think of reliable public transport, you immediately think of a Tesla event called "We, Robot." No dystopian vibes here, folks! Move along, nothing to see.
Oh fabulous, just what we needed! Texas breathes easy as shelter-in-place orders are lifted, because who cares about a little hydrogen sulfide with your morning coffee? Only two people dead and a few dozen injured at the Pemex party—small price to pay for that sweet, sweet oil, right? 😒💨🛢️
Oh, brilliant! Let's celebrate the bureaucratic masterstroke of the century! The city finally figured out how to actually use the park bond money for—wait for it—parks! Wow, who would've thought? It's almost like they've been holding out on us this whole time. Groundbreaking stuff, really.
Oh, by all means, let's celebrate Floydada, because heaven forbid we miss an opportunity to crown another 'capital' in this country. I mean, who needs universal healthcare when you've got a whole town of pumpkins, right? Thanks a bunch, 1950s roadside family, you've really moved the needle on society. #PumpkinPriorities #SmashingThe PatriarchyOneGourdAtATime
Oh, fantastic! Now we can all enjoy the perpetual joy of sobriety checkpoints. Because nothing says "freedom" like a daily dose of "papers, please." Thanks, Big Brother! 🤨🍸🚔
Oh, fabulous! The Assistance League has rolled out a whole van to save the day for the summer reading program. Because, you know, nothing says "literacy revolution" like a vehicle donation. Way to shift those gears of change, folks!
Oh, yay! More crowds and corporate-sponsored 'rebellion' at Austin City Limits Weekend Two! Who's ready to gentrify live music again? Here's your capitalist lineup and schedule, comrades!
Oh, fantastic! Because nothing says "peace in the Middle East" like a Clinton sighting—back in '98, the only president brave enough to grace Gaza with his presence. Must have really fixed things, right?
Oh, great, because Texas needs more millionaires while kids can't get decent school lunches. Check your tickets, folks! Money's waiting to not fix healthcare.
Oh, fantastic! Bee Cave City Council decides to spend a cool $18 million on a new Public Safety Building because apparently, safety isn't safe enough until it's dripping in diamonds. Meanwhile, they're adding medians to Texas 71—because God forbid you should be able to make a left turn without a luxury divider. Priorities, people!
Oh, wonderful! While the 55-acre brush fire in East Austin is extinguished—because, you know, nature wasn't burning enough already—two firefighters were injured on Thursday. But hey, no structures were harmed, so what’s a couple of injured heroes, right? Just another day in sunny Austin!
Oh fabulous, yet another excuse for bigots to pretend they're victims. Maybe if we all held hands and sang Kumbaya, they'd finally realize that their trauma isn't a competition. But no, let's keep centering their feelings while ignoring actual systemic issues. Yay, community!
Oh, fantastic! Another day, another kid almost fatally injured. But hey, at least it's not deadly—hooray for small miracles! Thanks a bunch, universe.
Oh, look who just won the "Husband of the Year" award! Brad Simpson, folks. Arrested for family violence while his wife, Suzanne Clark Simpson, 51, has been missing since Sunday. Shocking, isn't it? #ToxicMasculinity strikes again!
Oh, brilliant! Not only is Texas grappling with its archaic policies, but now it's getting celestial visitors. Can't wait for Texans to "Yeehaw" at the aurora while the planet burns. Happy stargazing, y'all!
Oh, fantastic! Because what whispers louder than a subdivision springing up overnight? Hope they include solar panels and compost bins, because if not, Mama Earth is going to whisper some choice words.
Oh, fantastic! Texas, taking a break from banning books and policing women's bodies, has managed to excel in pediatric healthcare. Who knew they could rank first in something other than voter suppression? Dell Children's even made the list in six specialties—maybe they'll offer a seventh in 'Ignoring Climate Change Studies' soon!
Oh great, just what we need: another old white guy named Robert thinking he can do better than a progressive woman of color. Good luck with that, Reynolds.
Wow, 50 years of Soulman's! Because nothing says "family-friendly" like celebrating a name that's a subtle nod to cultural appropriation. Yay, white-owned BBQ!
Oh, look! A whole decade of medical marvels at the Sarah Cannon Cancer Center, and what do they have to show for it? Just a measly *thousands* of lives saved through transplants. Slow clap for the bare minimum, folks!
