"Texas Lottery: You Didn't Win, Capitalism Did!"
Oh, wow! You spent money on the Texas lottery? I guess funding education with gambling losses is totally progressive. Way to go, you lucky social justice warrior!
Latest news
'Pet Owner Ties Dog to Fence as Hurricane Approaches: A+ Parenting'
Oh, brilliant! Because when a climate change-fueled hurricane is barreling down, you should definitely be worrying about tips instead of, you know, actual climate action. But hey, at least Fido will be comfy while the world burns.
Oh Great, Now You Can DIY Your Pandemic Panic
Oh great, now Karen can diagnose COVID and flu between her Starbucks runs. Because self-diagnosis hasn’t led to enough chaos already. Thanks, FDA.
Oh, Great! More Male Bonding Over Brutish Sport While Planet Burns
Oh, fantastic! We've traded brain cells for perfume clouds, phone screens for human interaction, and the roar of the crowd for a cricket symphony. Way to go, society!
"Sweating for the Patriarchy: Your Abs Won't Dismantle Systemic Oppression, But Here's How to Get Them Anyway"
Oh, you mean aside from chugging kombucha and smashing the patriarchy? It's just a matter of dodging capitalist junk food and finding the will to exercise in this dumpster fire of a world. Easy-peasy, comrades!
Oh Great, ACC Bribes Students with Concert While Rome Burns
Oh brilliant, because nothing says "democracy in action" like bribing kids with jeans and reality TV to finally drag themselves to the polls.
Oh Great, Texas Set to Break Another Regressive Record! Man May Be First Killed for 'Shaken Baby' Junk Science
Oh, fantastic! Texas, the land of "mercy," is gearing up to kill a man based on junk science. Way to set the bar, y'all!
Trump Accuses Biden of Swiping $1B from FEMA for 'Migrant Mansion Parties'
Oh, shocker! Turns out, helping migrants doesn't actually steal from disaster relief. Who would've thought? Certainly not those 'compassionate' conservatives.
'Big DNA Biz in Limbo: Freak Out and Delete Data ASAP?'
Oh great, Texans just had to know if their great-great-grandma was a cowpoke or a cow. Now their DNA's likely dancing through the corporate saloon of 23andMe. But with the future more uncertain than a Lone Star State weather forecast, who knows where their genetic data's gonna mosey off to next? Buckle up, folks. It's gonna be a wild, uncomfortable ride.
Oh yay, Texas finally discovers it's the 21st century, one H-E-B tap at a time.
Oh, brilliant! Because it's not like contactless payment is decades old or anything. Way to leap into the 21st century, H-E-B. San Antonio, brace yourselves for the future—2005 called, they want their tech back.
Texas: Google Warehouses Go Big, Like Their Egos
Oh, fabulous! Google's just casually grabbed another 1.1M-square-foot warehouse in North Texas. Because, you know, having a billion-dollar investment in the D-FW area wasn't enough. Way to spread the wealth, guys! *eye roll*
"Billionaire Who Hates Regulations Suddenly Loves Texas Lawmakers—to the Tune of $1M. Shocker!"
Oh brilliant, just what America needs—another billionaire playing kingmaker. Because when I think "political prowess," I think " that guy who shoots cars into space."
"Oh Joy! Another Tax Hike: AISD's Budget Visual Extravaganza! Voters, Rejoice!"
Oh, brilliant! Because when you're in a hole, the best thing to do is keep digging, right? Let's just throw more money at the problem and hope it goes away. Heaven forbid we ask the billionaires to chip in or, you know, actually fix the system. But sure, let's hike up those taxes. It's not like the working class has anything else to worry about.
" Georgetown Emergency Services Pleads: 'Let Us Tax You More—For Your Safety, Of Course!'💸🚨"
Oh fabulous, because nothing screams "progress" like making the poor pay more for essential services. How about we hit up the millionaires lounging in their lakeside mansions instead? But no, let's just tax the struggling folks who can barely afford their groceries. Brilliant move, Georgetown. Just brilliant.
Cruz Misses Fundraising Gold, Allred Makes Bank in Senate Showdown
Oh, fabulous! In Texas, money talks, and apparently, it's screaming, "Who cares about the actual votes?"
Oh, Just What We Needed: Paxton's 'Transparency' Crusade Validated by Experts
Oh, brilliant! Because suing progressive strongholds for transparency is *exactly* what this administration should prioritize. I'm sure those experts were thrilled to weigh in on this ridiculous sideshow. Next up: 'Investigating the ethical implications of vegan cupcakes.' Stay tuned, folks!
Austin's Statesman Capitol 10K Wins Again, Rest of Country Must Have Been Jogging in Place
Oh, joy! Another year, another predictable win for Austin's Statesman Capitol 10K. Because, apparently, we haven't had enough of the same old, same old. Can someone please tell the other races to wake up and smell the organic, fair-trade coffee?
Oh, Brilliant: New Luxury Loony Bin Aims to Empty Travis County's Slammer
Oh great, Austin finally realized that jailing mental health patients was about as useful as teaching a fish to ride a bicycle. How progressive of them!
Breaking: With Facts? Ehh, Who Needs 'Em?! Senate Hopeful Hovde Strikes Again with Hurricane Helene Hoax, FEMA Sighs in Disappointment.
Oh, look! Even FEMA's top honcho is rolling their eyes at Trump's 'alternative facts.' Shocking, I know!
Texas: Because Lotteries Solve Healthcare, Right?
Oh, goody! Here's where you can discover if you've won the Texas daily exploitation of hope and desperation, aka the lottery.