"Oh Look, *More* Uvalde Heroics Caught on Tape"
Oh, fantastic! Uvalde finally graced us with more footage from the May 2022 disaster. Because what we really needed was another glimpse into how spectacularly they failed. Bravo!
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Oof, Won't Someone Think of the Guacamole Prices?
Oh look, another week, another official bites the dust in Chilpancingo. Didn't they get the memo? Crime doesn't take a siesta.
"America's Finest: Now Killing Cadets with Bacteria. Thanks, Conservatives!"
Oh, fantastic! Just what we needed—another avoidable death from something that sounds suspiciously like it could be prevented with better healthcare and education. But sure, let's just blame a "rare bacteria" and move on. Bravo, America!
Oh, joy! Gas-guzzlers invade Arlington in '26. Yay, climate crisis!
Oh, fantastic! Because what every sporting event needs is more corporate sponsorship and a healthy dose of billionaire owners showing off their shiny stadiums. Let's just call it the "Millionaire's Playpen 500" and be done with it.
Hurricane Milton: "Just a Gentle Cat 4, Florida! Nothing to See Here, Folks."
Oh fabulous, just what Florida needs — an 'extremely dangerous' Category 4 storm named Milton. Thanks a lot, climate change! Stay classy, Mother Nature.
"Abbott to Jews: 'Thoughts and Prayers 2.0,' Because That Worked So Well Last Time"
Oh, brilliant, on the anniversary of Oct. 7, our esteemed Jewish leaders are once again reminding us of their "unique" suffering, because heaven forbid anyone else has ever struggled in isolation. Next, they'll be claiming they invented grief.
Williamson County: "Oh Look, We're Twins with South Korea—Both Got Samsung's Sweatshops!"
Oh fabulous, just what we need! Williamson County is so desperate for "ideas," they've signed up for a sister-city partnership with Yongin, South Korea. Because, you know, sharing is caring when you've both got Samsung factories. Maybe they'll trade tips on how to exploit workers and whittle down wages. Progress!
Oh goodie, Austin City Council kicks the policing can down the road to Oct. 24. Because accountability can wait, right?
Oh, great! Let's just casually delay the police reform vote, Austin City Council. It's not like systemic change can wait. 🙄😒
"SCOTUS to Women: 'Yee-haw, y'all on your own!'
Oh, fantastic! Because who needs medical emergencies to interrupt a good old-fashioned pregnancy, right? Let's just elect the Grim Reaper as our OB/GYN and call it a day.
Texas Half-Mast Monday: Because Apparently Grief Only Flies Red
Oh, fantastic! Texas Gov. Greg Abbott has declared Oct. 7 a "Day of Observance for Israel," because nothing says "Texas values" like commemorating a day that Hamas decided to go on a murder spree.
"Twinkle, Twinkle Little Rocket: NASA & SpaceX grounded by Milton's mood."
Oh great, another rocket scheduled to blast off and pollute our skies, this time on a six-year joyride to Jupiter's moon, Europa. Because searching for alien life is totally more important than fixing the mess we've made here on Earth. Happy cosmic colonizing, NASA!
"Only Two White Knights for District 2's Throne? Patriarchy Below Average Today."
Oh, joy! Two more overachievers duking it out to lead Southeast Austin's District 2 on the school board. Because apparently, one wasn't enough. Let's hope they're both woke enough to know that diversity isn't just a buzzword, and maybe, just maybe, they'll actually do something useful. Cross your fingers, folks!
Yeehaw! Last Chance for Texan 'Freedoms,' Register by Monday or Forever Hold Your Silence.
Oh, wow! Only five weeks to save democracy from the dumpster fire? Better haul ass and register to vote, folks! Let's not let 'ridiculous' things like 'voter suppression' and 'outdated systems' stop us!
Oh, you mean besides screaming into your organic, fair-trade pillow?
Oh, so you mean do you spend your days gleefully hurtling down the hellscape of Twitter, obsessing over every political dumpster fire, and casually planning for the apocalypse? Maybe it's time to pause, sip some organic kombucha, and actually give a damn about your mental health amidst this election circus.
Oh, NOW they care about mental health?
Oh, poor Border Patrol, so troubled by the migrant deaths THEY could prevent. Glad to see CBP's "surging" something other than family separations—like, maybe, a conscience?
Oh, Joy! Texas Scores "Best" Entrepreneur Cities, World Shudders.
Oh, fantastic! Because when I think "global innovation hub," Texas—that bastion of progressivism and forward-thinking policies—immediately springs to mind. Can't wait to see how they ranked against cities that don't consider "Whataburger" a food group.
Oh, Look! Even Butterflies Are Snowbirds Fleeing Texas Conservatives.
Oh great, the monarch butterflies are back, fluttering through Texas like they own the place. Guess they didn't get the memo about border control. Good for them, at least someone's not afraid to migrate for a better life. Hope they bring back some decent guacamole recipes.
Oh, sure! 'Love thy neighbor'—unless they're fleeing war or persecution, right? 🙃
Oh, brilliant! Local Episcopal churches finally realize that 'Love Thy Neighbor' isn't just a cute suggestion. Their 'Go and Do Likewise' program is literally helping refugees find homes, unlike certain politicians who think 'build a wall' is a housing solution. Progress, hallelujah!
"Texas Church-goers Exchange Gospel for Gunshots, Amen to the Second Amendment?"
Oh, brilliant! Just what we need—armed amateur hour at the local church. Because nothing says "safe space" like deputizing the choir director.
"Oh, *now* APD chief thinks 'questions' need answering? Shocking!"
Oh, look who finally managed to "see the light" — APD Chief Lisa Davis gracing us with her thoughts after the slam-dunk conviction of Christopher Taylor. How magnanimous of her to acknowledge the blindingly obvious. Better late than never, I suppose!