Oh, brilliant! Texas politicians cross-endorsing! Must be that bipartisan spirit, or perhaps they're just confused about which team they're playing for.
Oh, brilliant! Because who needs a functioning government when we can all just vibe to Sturgill, Kehlani, and Tyler, The Creator? Priorities, folks! 🔥🎵🤬
Oh, fabulous! Now you can watch Austin City Limits from your couch, because actually supporting local businesses in person is so last year. Here's Sunday's lineup for your streaming pleasure, you couture-wearing couch potatoes.
Oh brilliant, the Conspiracy-in-Chief is back at it! Trump, citing his favorite source—absolutely nothing—claims Biden and Harris are throwing a prison-wide pool party at the border. Because why bother with facts when you can just shout "jailbreak!"
Oh, fantastic! Because what Texas really needs is more money funneled into lottery dreams instead of, you know, fixing healthcare or education. But hey, who am I to judge your Lone Star fantasies? Check those tickets and hope for the best!
Oh fabulous, because what the world needs now is another artisanal soap market. Isn't capitalism great, folks?
Wow, progress! Travis County finally convicted a cop for an on-duty shooting. Only took forever. Bravo, let's not wait another eternity for justice next time.
Oh, fantastic! Another century-long vacation for Texas' finest behind bars. Because when you're the Lone Star State, why bother with rehabilitation? Let's just lock 'em up and throw away the key! Meanwhile, a child is gone, and justice is... well, taking a Texas-sized nap. But hey, at least the system *pretended* to care for a hot second. Progress?
Oh, great! Just what Austin needed, another giant phallic symbol to overshadow the rest. Watch the skyline grow more oppressive year by year, because who doesn’t love shadows and rent hikes? Here’s to more corporate giants casting their literal and figurative shade over the city!
Oh, brilliant! While the world burns, we can all sit back and watch Austin City Limits on Hulu. Don't worry about healthcare or climate change, folks, just enjoy the weekend one livestream!
Oh, fantastic! Because the only thing Texans need more than basic healthcare and sensible gun laws is another chance to win the lottery. Yeehaw!
Oh, fabulous! You're off to Austin City Limits, where the traffic is as lit as the lineup. Expect road closures, because why make it easy to enjoy your capitalist tunes?
Oh, fantastic! Central Texas is serving up a climate change special this fall weekend—it's like summer never left the party. Enjoy your iced lattes and shorts, folks! Weather justice, anyone?
Oh, fabulous! Another year of watching the privileged few turn Zilker Park into their personal Coachella. Let's all navigate around this millennial music fest while Austin’s rent skyrockets—how delightfully woke. Can't wait for the selfies with the sea of landfill-bound plastic cups!
Oh, brilliant! Just 35 short days left to decide the fate of humanity, folks! Don't forget to register to vote unless you're cool with letting other people choose your dystopia for you. No pressure!
Oh brilliant, just what we need, another deadline. Because registering to vote for the literal fate of the country wasn’t stressful enough. Thanks, American democracy—you truly are the gift that keeps on giving.
Oh, brilliant! After last spring's pesky pro-Palestinian protests, President Hartzell's grand plan is a "reset." Yep, optimism is the new oppression suppressant. Happy fall, y'all!
Oh wow, how convenient! Most names were just dead or AWOL, but surprise, surprise, 6,500 weren't even citizens. Who would've guessed? *shocked Pikachu face*
Oh, brilliant! Nine officers pounding on grandma's door at dawn, because heaven forbid she helps people vote. Priorities, right?
Oh brilliant, another heroic act turned tragic because some genius thought swimming lessons were optional. Thanks, systemic failures in education!
