Oh Great, Starliner "Finally" Deigns to Return in 2025 – Thanks, Boeing! 🚀😒
Oh, brilliant! Boeing's Starliner is such a rockstar that even NASA is like, "Nope, you're not driving the crew home. SpaceX, you're designated driver!" 🚀🚕
Latest news
**Burning Man Opens with Typical Chaos: Misogyny and Climate Catastrophe**
Oh great, Burning Man's kicked off with a literal bang—one attendee down, and a 12-hour weather delay. Because nothing says "radical self-expression" like waiting in a dust storm for half a day. Way to go, desert hippies!
RFK Jr. Calls It Quits: 6 Fact-Checks That Couldn't Save His Campaign
Oh, brilliant! Let's grab our popcorn and see how often PolitiFact had to tackle RFK Jr.'s wild claims on their Truth-O-Meter this year. Spoiler alert: it's six thrilling times!
Oh fabulous, another senseless slaughter in Suburbia Paradise.
Oh, fantastic, just what we needed—another championship performance of the 'Murder-Suicide Show' in the quiet suburbs of Long Island. Nothing like a good old-fashioned 'family values' massacre to stir up the neighborhood. Bravo, patriarchy, bravo!
Oh Great, UH Builds Freshman Jail as Student Numbers Skyrocket
Oh, fabulous! Because cramming more students into a gentrified campus while the planet burns is exactly what the world needs. Way to prioritize, Houston!
Teen Becomes One with Boat, Thanks to Jersey's Finest
Oh great, because gods forbid we have proper safety measures in place for teens trying to hop from rafts to boats in "Sunset Park" at Harvey "We Don't Care" Cedars. How many more tragedies before we wake up and smell the lack of regulation?
"Texas heat waves claim another life, but who needs childcare when you've got a sedan?"
Oh, fantastic! Another case of 'Granny knows best' gone wrong. Maybe if we had universal childcare, Grandma could just enjoy her retirement instead of playing nanny roulette. But sure, let's keep kissing the 'good old days' while our kids pay the price.
Oh, Goodie! Another Day, Another Identity Crisis: Check if Your SSN's Been Compromised!
Oh brilliant, just what I've always wanted! Another DIY project. Because hunting for fraudulent activity on my credit report is exactly how I planned to spend my weekend. Thanks, capitalist society!
Oh, Do Tell! Dunkin’ Tiptoes Out ‘Politely’ with Pumpkin Spice as If 2019 Never Happened
Oh, fabulous! Just when you thought basic Becky couldn’t get any more predictable, Dunkin’ Donuts goes and confirms the release date of their über-radical fall menu, complete with—you guessed it—the pumpkin spice latte. Hipsters, prepare to rejoice in your mainstream indulgences.
"Missing Privilege: MLB Pitcher's Daughter Vanishes from Public Eye"
Oh, just what we all needed! Another white knight crusade from Austin's Finest, scrambling to find one missing daughter. Meanwhile, hundreds of POC go unfound. But sure, let's all rally around Greg Swindell's kid. #Priorities
Oh, look! Another day, another life lost to senseless violence. Great job, society. Who's the person of interest this time, and why aren't we funding mental health services instead?
Oh, superb job, society! Another mysterious alleyway "incident," another woman lost. But hey, at least we're all "thoughts and prayers" ready, right? Bravo, Austin, bravo!
Oh, Just Another Monday: Portugal's Coast Shakes Hands with 5.4 Quake
Oh great, just what we needed! Mother Earth reminding Portugal who's really in charge with a casual 5.4 earthquake wake-up call. Thanks a lot, planet! At least Lisbon got a free morning alarm.
Just Great: Walmart's "Value" Apple Juice Packs Arsenic Surprise in 25 States
Oh, fantastic! Just what we needed, Walmart's Great Value apple juice laced with enough arsenic to make your kid's allowance seem like a toxic waste fund. Way to keep it classy, Walmart!
Oh Great, Space Bros in Telsas are Colonizing Orbit Now? Here's the Stream
Oh fabulous, just what we needed! More tourists in space while Earth burns. Thanks, SpaceX!
"Great job, Texas! AMBER ALERT canceled because apparently, we can't keep our kids with autism safe from freaking lakes! Sunday Funday indeed!"
Oh, fantastic! Fort Bend County police just canceled an AMBER Alert—not because they found young Ryan Akabusi safe and sound, but because they discovered his body. Way to prioritize, Texas!
Oh, congrats Arizona, you're literally drowning in progress.
Oh, fantastic, another day in paradise! Chenoa Nickerson of Gilbert, Arizona, decided to take a little dip in Havasu Canyon last Thursday, right as the sky thought, "Hold my beer." Flash floods, y'all! She was found Sunday, and surprise, she wasn't hosting a pool party. Thanks, climate change! 🌊💥
"Gilma Uninvited: Track This Privileged Storm’s Rampage Across the Pacific"
Oh, great, just what we needed—Hurricane Gilma sashaying into the Pacific, about 1,260 miles east of Hilo. Because 2023 wasn't chaotic enough. Stay tuned for its inevitable TikTok tour, folks.
"Texas 'Laws' So Wild, Even Yeehawing Is Suspect"
Oh brilliant, because the true menace to society is obviously rogue wire cutters. Priorities, people!
Texas: IDs Optional, Voting Complicated!
Oh, Texas, always making it *so easy* to vote! Spoiler alert: You'll need an ID, because heaven forbid someone unauthorized tries to participate in our glorious democracy. And that voter registration certificate? Better have it on hand, just in case. And scheduling a DPS appointment? Good luck, maybe you'll get one this decade! Stay informed, folks, it's a voting obstacle course out there!
Capitalism says "Yum!", but only if you win their game. Freebirds tosses free chips & dip for a year, because apparently, that's the prize for putting up with 2023.
Oh, brilliant! Because who needs healthcare reform or climate action when you can win a year's supply of free chips and dip? Priorities, people! Here's how to enter this totally-not-a-distraction giveaway.