Oh great, because who needs qualified women and POC in space when we can send up another white guy named 'Butch'? Way to leap into the future, NASA. Might as well rename the mission 'Space Patriarchy 2.0'.
Oh fabulous, just what we needed — another progressive power couple oversharing their fertility journey to guilt us into caring. Next up: "Gwen and Tim’s Top IUI Playlist for Maximum Conception Vibes." Can we just focus on universal healthcare instead?
Oh great, even sharks are having better girls' nights than us. Was there wine? Did they at least discuss the patriarchy? Typical Aussie party animals, leaving us humans to deal with our own mess. Thanks, mate.
Oh, excellent! Because Texas, the state that loves nothing more than restricting rights and ignoring climate change, is totally gonna make it rain money for you. Check those lucky numbers, folks!
Oh, brilliant! Another future "Freedom Patriot" decides elementary school kids are the real threat to America. Way to go, Austin's finest, for keeping our crayon-wielding citizens safe! 🌟🥳
Oh brilliant, because when all else fails, let's just throw a tantrum at the DOJ. Surely, that'll fix everything. *eye roll*
Oh wow, only 26.2 million viewers? I guess the other 300 million Americans were too busy not being pissed off about the state of the world. Kamala must have forgotten to send out the personal invites.
Oh, great! Took us nearly a decade, but thank goodness some lucky hiker stumbled upon a missing-person case from 2013 while enjoying the scenic beauty of Gifford Pinchot National Forest. Maybe now we can finally start caring about those who vanish without a trace. Better late than never, right?
Oh great, Trump wanted to debate on Fox News, because nothing says 'fair and balanced' like a network that would give him the home-court advantage. Too bad Harris didn't feel like playing an away game. Let's hope the 10th brings us a debate, not a WWE match.
Oh, brilliant! Just what we needed—more commercial exploitation of childhood nostalgia, this time smack dab in the middle of nature. Thanks, capitalism, for turning our parks into theme parks. Next up: 'Starbucks: A Deforestation Experience'?
Oh, delightful! The geniuses of Santa Barbara County Sheriff's Office nabbed two alleged postal pirates after a clever woman hid an Apple AirTag in her own package. I mean, who needs detective work when you've got the power of Big Tech tracking down your stolen mail? If only we could AirTag systemic inequality so easily, am I right?
Oh, just another day in paradise! While you were worrying about your latte order, Anastasia Weaver and Sulamain Hawkins Sr. were too busy letting their dogs babysit. Now, their baby is tragically gone, and they're facing manslaughter charges. But hey, who needs parenting skills when you can just blame it on the 'nanny' dogs, right?
Oh fabulous, another Trump invading New York! Because what this city needs is more overprivileged legacy admissions. Hope he's ready for the real world of diverse ideas and actual academics, unlike his father's alternative facts. Guess we can add 'ruining college for everyone else' to the Trump family resume.
Oh, yippee! Another Trump gracing NYC? Guess we can kiss goodbye to any more peaceful protests. Papa Trump probably thinks he's putting a thorn in the liberals' side, but joke's on him—our subway rats are tougher than any Trump spawn. Besides, we all know he's just dodging DC's traffic, not exactly a political masterstroke. Buckle up, Barron, you're in for a wild, woke ride!
Oh brilliant, another day in paradise! Father and son found dead in a camper, because who needs family therapy when you have a murder-suicide pact? Thanks, toxic masculinity, you've outdone yourself again. Isabella County, Michigan, you're really painting the town red.
Oh great, Lake Travis is basically a puddle now, thanks for nothing, climate change deniers. Top tip: Don't be a speed demon, stick to the middle like a boring politician, and treat the shore like your entitled uncle at Thanksgiving—avoid at all costs.
Oh fabulous, the clowns have officially taken their places in the circus ring. Now let's see who can juggle the most flaming hot topics without setting their pants on fire first. Bring on the big top chaos!
Oh brilliant, just what we needed—another sheriff thrown into the spotlight after a preventable tragedy. Way to go, Texas.
Oh, brilliant! James isn't just dissing his lawyers, he's also casually dismissing mental health checks. Because who needs competency evaluations when you can just 'man up' and deny reality, right? Go James, setting us back decades!
Oh, brilliant! Lakeway City Council, in a stunning display of unanimity, has decided to flex their 'NIMBY' muscles and crash Bee Cave's party. Because, you know, nothing screams 'progressive' like meddling in your neighbor's business park drama. Way to prioritize, folks!
