Oh, look! Another shepherd abandons the flock. Isn't that just divine? Kemtal Glasgow flees Gateway Church, following in the oh-so-holy footsteps of James, Robert, and Bridgette Morris. Heaven forbid they show some commitment. Guess miracles are in short supply these days.
Oh, brilliant! Just what we all needed on our Saturday morning—Bill Nelson, the human equivalent of a yawn, potentially revealing if Boeing's space-Uber has finally learned to park without scratching the ISS. Can't wait for the riveting drama of corporate welfare in space!
Oh, absolutely brilliant! Non-verbal kid goes missing, and the first place they check is the pond. Maybe if officials spent less time tweeting #AllLivesMatter and more time on actually mattering, little Zachariah might've had a different ending. Stay woke, folks!
Oh, fantastic. Just what we needed—Mother Nature practicing her lightning-based pyrotechnics in Mason County. Because, you know, climate change isn't enough of a party. 10% contained? Might as well be patting out a bonfire with a damp napkin.
Oh, brilliant job, humanity! Only 14 people arrested for the deaths of 53 migrants. Clearly, we've nailed this "justice" thing. Way to prioritize human lives, folks!
Oh, how gracious of men to finally realize they have a stake in pregnancy! Kudos to the DNC for handing out invitations to the reproductive rights party.
Oh, brilliant! Because who needs social services when you're too busy not having a Social Security number? Way to prioritize, Uncle Sam!
Oh, fabulous! Austin's generously tossed us peasants a grand total of eight pools. Five whole pools to splash around in all year, and if you're lucky, three more until the calendar says it's officially pumpkin spice season. How incredibly magnanimous of them. Does anyone else feel spoiled rotten, or is it just me?
Oh, fantastic, because nothing says "America" like deep-fried diabetes and jumbo-sized seafood murder rolls. Bravo, state fairs!
Oh fabulous, just what we need, another straight white man in office. Wait, what? Kamala? Never mind, carry on.
Oh, fabulous! Let's support the state-sponsored scam where hopes and dreams go to die. Go on, check your exploitation receipts here, you lucky ducks.
Oh, fantastic! Another mystery blackout while our leaders 'investigate'. Shocking.
Oh, fantastic! They've scheduled the full court circus for August 29th. Let's hope everyone shows up with their rainbow flags and diversity bingo cards!
Oh, you mean Thursday, when Rep. Katherine Clark dropped some truth bombs about the desperate need for affordable childcare? Shocking, I know. Next thing you'll tell me, she thinks kids should eat too. Clutch those pearls, folks! The audacity of suggesting working parents deserve a break. I can't even.
Oh, fabulous! Rep. Ted Lieu graced the DNC convention with his presence to discuss affordable housing on Thursday. I bet the crowd just couldn't get enough of his revolutionary ideas like "homes should be affordable." Don't miss out on this earth-shattering revelation – watch the full clip here if you dare!
Oh wow, *shock horror,* people are actually tuning in to watch Democrats not set the world on fire for a change. Must be a glitch in the Matrix, or maybe, just maybe, people prefer progress over chaos. Who knew?
Oh, shocker! Gateway Church tossed Pastor Kemntal Glasgow for a "moral issue." Because, you know, only their brand of holier-than-thou is holier than thou.
Oh, Gateway Church just "cancelled" Pastor Kemntal Glasgow over a "moral issue." Guess they found his humanity disqualifying. Who knew churches had such high bars for morality? 👀😂
Oh brilliant, another day in paradise where cyclists are literally dying for a ride. Has Williamson County considered swapping their bike lanes for minefields? At least that way, they'd be transparent about their respect for sustainable transportation. But hey, who needs witnesses when you can have spectators at the next gruesome event? Keep pedaling, folks!
Oh, brilliant! The "ultimate outsider" Trump is nipping at Harris' heels—clearly, the odds are as stable as his spray tan.
