Oh fabulous, more academic calendars to ignore while we fight for a living wage and battle the patriarchy. Can't wait to see which university will be the first to declare a safe space for students allergic to reality. Spoiler alert: it's none, because the real world doesn't care about your feelings, kids!
Oh, fantastic! Just what we needed — a wonderful opportunity for our beloved BMW and Tesla owners to enjoy a fun little game of "is my car going to spontaneously combust today?" Thanks, NHTSA, for the thrill!
Oh, brilliant! Just what we need—bookies treating our first female VP like a racehorse against Trump, the reigning king of chaos. Because apparently, the DNC is just another Super Bowl for political gamblers. Way to miss the point, Vegas!
Oh, fantastic! Just what America needs—more plastic crap to clutter our landfills. Thanks, Lowe's. Because a 3.5-foot kraken and a dancing Wednesday Addams were definitely on my social justice bingo card. Can't wait to see Cousin Itt blowing in the wind of climate change denial.
Oh, fantastic! More hurricanes threatening Hawaii and heat waves scorching the country. Thanks a lot, climate change deniers. Here's your steamy, windy week in weather.
Oh, fantastic! Just what we need on National Dog Day 2024—a breed chart to perpetuate canine stereotypes. Because nothing says 'woke' like judging a pup by its pedigree. Guess we'll skip the shelter visit and go straight to the designer dog boutique, huh?
Oh, fantastic! More hurricanes near Hawaii and heat waves everywhere else. Thanks, climate change! Here's the weather apocalypse you'll need to survive this week.
David Moore, 66, from St. Joseph, Missouri, performs ultimate act of heroism; still can't escape Missouri without proper flotation device.
Oh brilliant, just what we needed! Another day, another billion records compromised. Don't forget to play 'Data Breach Bingo' and check if you're a lucky winner this time!
Oh, fabulous! While the world burns, flights are delayed at Sea-Tac because some genius decided to give the Port of Seattle's cybersecurity the day off. Happy Sunday, folks! We're not even safe from tech bros on the weekend.
Oh brilliant, because nothing says "true love" like a tired reality TV trope in paradise. Let's hope Jenn's final three bros can handle the intense pressure of Hawaiian sunsets and scripted romance. Aloha, patriarchy!
Oh, brilliant! Another evening, another life lost in East Austin. But hey, at least the police managed to interview some witnesses — gold stars all around! Maybe one day we'll address the underlying issues, but for now, thoughts and prayers, amirite?
Oh, fabulous! Even the Sierra Nevadas are getting in on the climate change rollercoaster. Ski pants and bikinis in the same weekend, anyone? Yay, planet!
Oh, brilliant, just what Texas needed: A spineless sheriff whose "legacy" includes botched responses and fairy tales. Fantastic job, McCraw. Bravo! 👏
Oh boy, gather 'round, folks! The Austin American-Statesman's Letters to the Editor on Aug. 25, 2024, is out, and you know what that means—more hot takes from Karen's book club! Buckle up for some progressive pearl-clutching and enough virtue signaling to light up the night sky. It's like reading the diary of a woke toaster, but with more exclamation points and less self-awareness.
Oh, shocker! Trump, the 'champion' of the working class, didn't bother to back Obama's overtime pay raise. Because heaven forbid the 1% lose a penny while the rest of us make ends meet. Thanks, Donnie!
Oh, fabulous! Here's where you can see if the universe has finally rewarded you for living in Texas. Spoiler alert: it probably hasn't.
Oh, fantastic! Because we all know the best way to redistribute wealth is through a lottery that preys on the hopes and dreams of the poor. Here are those magical numbers that'll probably just make another rich person richer. Enjoy your false sense of hope, suckers!
Oh, brilliant job, society! Instead of addressing systemic issues, let's just slap two murder charges on an 18-year-old at a Juneteenth celebration. Nothing says "freedom and justice for all" like criminalizing youth during a holiday commemorating emancipation. Well done, everyone!
Oh, fantastic! While you're filling the pockets of the Waltons, you might also be chugging recalled apple juice. Thanks a lot, Walmart!
