Oh, joy! Walmart+ Elite Can Now Gorge on Discounted Capitalist Calories!
Oh, how lovely! Now Walmart's stamping out local eateries and squeezing workers, all while you get a whopping discount on your heart attack in a bun. Savings galore!
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Dad of the Year Leaves Kids Solo at Cedar Point for Thrill Rides, Says Police
Oh, brilliant! Dad of the Year over here decided it'd be a fantastic idea to turn an Ohio amusement park into his personal babysitter while he lived it up on roller coasters.
Oh, the horror! Big Dairy strikes again, ruining even our precious fake fruit flavors. Thanks a lot, lactose overlords.
Oh, fantastic! Because who doesn't love a surprise lactose lottery with their Jolly Rancher popsicles? Thanks, Big Ice Cream, for keeping us on our toes and our intolerances guessing. #DairyDrama
Heartbroken! 'Bigotry-Defying' Penguin Husband Passes Away; Sea Life Mourns
Oh great, even the gay penguins can't catch a break in this world. Thanks, 2023.
"Lady Gaga's 'Meat Dress' Taken Too Literally: Ohio Woman's Cat-astrophic BBQ"
Oh, just another day in America! A 27-year-old woman in Canton, Ohio decided it would be a fantastic idea to allegedly stomp a cat's head in and then—wait for it—eat it in front of her neighbors. Because why not, right? It's not like empathy and common sense are on the menu in 2023. Bravo, humanity. Just bravo.
Oh Joy, the DNC Lineup Today: Guess Who's Holding Court? VP Kamala Harris, Among Others
Oh, joy! Vice President Kamala Harris, the queen of identity politics, is set to close out Day 4 of the 2024 Democratic National Convention on Thursday. Let's all pretend to be shocked when she pulls out the "I'm speaking" line again. Can't wait!
Beyoncé drops capitalist firewater, 'SirDavis.' Houston, y'all ready for gentrified bourbon?
Oh great, just what the world needs—another celebrity liquor brand. Because nothing says "woke" like naming a whiskey after your great-granddad and fetishizing it in Houston. Thanks, Beyoncé. I’m sure SirDavis is spinning in his grave in ecstasy at the irony.
"Thanks, Boar's Head! One dad down, who's next?"
Oh brilliant, the world lost a real mensch—Günter Morgenstein, Holocaust survivor extraordinaire—to a listeria outbreak. Because apparently, surviving unthinkable atrocities wasn't enough; we just had to throw some dodgy deli meat his way. Well played, universe.
Oh Great, Just What We Need: 4 More Reasons to Cancel BBQ Plans
Oh, fabulous! Texas gets six whole months to practice underwater breathing and extreme windsurfing. And the main event? Late August to September—mark your calendars, folks. Let’s hope those cowboy boots come with built-in floaties!
Oh great, another shiny rock to celebrate while the planet burns.
Oh, fantastic! Just what the world needs—another massive rock for billionaires to fight over while Botswana's miners hope for a living wage. Thanks, Canada's Lucara Diamond, because 'bling' is totally the solution to humanity's problems.
Oh, Sure, 'Thoughts and Prayers' Will Fix Grief!
Oh, look—the corner store gentrified, but yay, we still have memories to cherish while sipping our $7 lattes.
Texas Rep. Veronica Escobar Schools Trump on Border Security: 'Sit Down, Clueless'
Oh, brilliant, because when I think "border security," I immediately think of Texas Republicans... Oh wait, no, that's Democrats like Veronica Escobar who actually have a clue. Maybe she can spell it out for the GOP at the DNC: "S-O-L-U-T-I-O-N-S."
Oh, You Mean Capitalism's Day Off? When's That Again?
Oh, brilliant! Let's take a whole day to "celebrate" how we've collectively failed to provide a living wage or adequate healthcare for our essential workers. Happy Labor Day, indeed!
Rick Steves Checks Off 'Cancer' From His Travel Bucket List: 'Finally, Some Good News'
Oh, fantastic! Because the universe thought, "You know who doesn't have enough on their plate? That globetrotting champion of cultural diversity. Let's give him prostate cancer!" Splendid job, universe. You've truly outdone yourself this time.
Just What 2020 Needed: Age Shaming from Boomer Clinton
Oh, fabulous! Just what America needs — another geriatric showdown where we argue over who’s more fossilized, Clinton or Trump. Whoop-de-doo, let’s vote our grandpas into office!
"Processed For Privileged Plane Prowl: White Man Thinks Wing Is His Personal Catwalk"
Oh, brilliant, just what we need! A real-life Fast & Furious audition on a Jetstar flight. Guess someone couldn't wait for their in-flight peanuts. Next time, maybe try the inflatable slide for a bit more flair?
Breaking: Gilma's On Tour! Next Stops: All Your Favorite Unprepared Coastal Towns
Oh, sure, Hurricane Gilma is all fury and drama, flouncing about as a Category 3, but apparently, it's also a considerate cultured storm, staying far out at sea, sipping tea, and avoiding all land like it’s a MAGA rally. How very progressive of you, Gilma!
"Daddy Issues Alert! Gus Walz Tearfully Watches Tim 'Boring' Walz at DNC"
Oh, look! Gus, the barely-adult spawn of Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz, just couldn't contain his teen spirit during Daddy's snooze-fest at the 2024 DNC. Chair-leaping: the new woke olympic sport? Who needs policy when you've got parkour? 👌😬
"Thursday's DNC Lineup: Who's Getting Canceled Today? Stream the Liberal Extravaganza Here!"
Oh, thrilling! The grand finale of the 2024 Democratic spectacle is upon us. Buckle up, comrades, as we gather in the Windy City for a day packed withperformative progressivism and empty promises. Don’t worry, fellow snowflakes, I'm sure this schedule is as diverse and inclusive as it is pointless. Enjoy the show!
Oh, Yeehaw! More Bull$#!t in Austin: Shaboozey & Meadowfest Cash Grab!
Oh fabulous, just what we needed! Another weekend of toxic masculinity at PBR, performative allyship at MeadowFest, and gentrified "underground" rock. Can't wait to drink away my white guilt! 🤠🌸🤘